Umm... Where Do I Begin Or Where Did I Begin?

Okay, well, I have strugled with bulimia for almost two years now.  I've struggled with anorexia for eight months.  I have lost so many things to this eating disorder.  I regret doing it everyday.  Yet it's so hard to stop.  I started at 130 pounds.  I'm now at a BMI of weighing 116.  My goal is 85 pounds.  I have this strange obbsession with needing to feel hurt.  Eating Disorders are also a form of self-mutilation.  So, I guess that's where I get it from.  My dad had anorexia.  Although I didn't know him very well at all.  Because he was never around.  (dead now...March 14, 2003) It is however genetic.  So, I guess I'm going to give myself a break and blame it on him.  Afterall, he's not here to e mad at him for doing so, why not.  I am no longer struggling.  Because I no longer care what people think of it.  I have lost so many friends in this leaving me to feel alone and hopeless that this is all I have.  I'm living in denial about it.  I have never been diagnosed by a doctor.  I'm going to ask my theripst on Thursday if she thinks I have one.  Honestly, if she says I do I will probably just say I don't.  If she says I don't I will be upset deep down, but cheer as if I knew I didn't and I'm happy that I don't on the outside.  Why would I do this?  Because it really is all I have.  I have to go to court to testify and as the day gets closer I get deeper into this so-called eating disorder that I "don't" have.

If you have any questions feel free to ask me at any time.
I will never judge you.
Stay Strong

Arisha09 Arisha09
18-21, F
19 Responses Apr 8, 2007

do meditation ... know u r god ...beleive urself ...all powers r within u !

Jesus! Honey ,like everyone else is saying,you need to get help! Its early yet for you! Go see a shrink! Theyll send you to the right people! I knew acouple women like you! One died a awful painfull death,and the other lady is never going to come out of it.Too many health problems!Please get help before you ruin your life for good,and it's too late!

Yes, here is such thing as over-weight, but there is also such thing as under-weight. And I'm pretty sure I'd rather be over-weight then under, because underweight can cause Diabeties, Low Blood Pressure, Problems with the digestive system, Problems with the immue system, and a lot more I cannot even spell. As when you're overweight you CAN get them as well, but then again you can always loose the weight by exerscing and eating healthier. When you develop anorexia and you want it to go away, your body then becomes used to you not eating, it'll make you thow it up and starve yourself. Getting help is the best thing to do, along with support and therpy, everyone says that...but first you have to learn to love yourself. And honestly, one hundred thirty pounds is not overweight or fat. And while I get why you think to yourself you are, you're NOT. Because, even the normal, average girl down the block can still get horribly sick dealing with her weight or health concerns. On a lighter note, Find someone who will care :). It may be on ep or in real life... either way It'll still be someone to listen and help you through the worst. Take care of yourself and believe your beautiful. God bless. :)

Arisha, listen to the women who commented. Most are very insightful and they've been there. <br />
Get help.<br />
Don't know where you got the idea it's genetic. Doubtful. Some tendencies toward emotional conditions seem to have a genetic link. These can and should be treated. So, even if there's a genetic component, it can be treated.<br />
In grad school in clinical we treated many women/girls with eating disorders. It worked. Difficult, time consuming, just plain tough. But they got over it. Because they were getting help.<br />
You're brave to write here. You have the insight that you have the problem. Take one more step, start getting better with professional help.

God bless you....................:)

Eating disorders...Are the single most dangerous and most difficult of all the addictions...why? Because its around us non stop everyday. I have had an eating disorder for 13 years. I'm 23 as of last month. I can say I took a year "off" after putting myself into treatment for the second time. MY father died and I relapsed. I have never recovered from that. I bounce between bulimia and anorexia. Let me just say that it never gets easier. Every day is a struggle. I know you said its your 2nd year into this death trap...So with that said, you have a stronger chance of kicking it now that you admitted it to yourself. I know that it doesnt matter what the physical consquences are, or what others say..but when you look in the mirror it any better to your brain, or to your eating disorders eyes than the day that you started? If not than that is a sign, a sign that this is a revolving door that leads to emptyness and lies and lonliness. I lost all my friends my first round of this disease. I got them back when i exposed myself and found that they comforted me and helped me through it for what I let them at least. <br />
Anyway the point is, is you posted this as..well clearly, a cry for help. If you have the resources use them. You never know when the last time you put your finger down your throat will be or the last night you rest your hungry body to bed and dont wake up will be. People love you. You have a future, if you let yourself.

Hello there,<br />
I want to tell you that I might had face the same problem with you. I hated myself because I was thinking that I'm fat and ungle. I was tortured myself by not eating anything at all beause I had to loose weight again and again. Everybody claimed that I had Eating Disorder but I din't accept it.<br />
I knew that I could't controll it, but the eating disorder was controlling me. After a while I got help and I'm glad I did. Because my life now is really changed. I will be here if you need me ever.

I was anorexic and everyone said I was skinny and tall and should be a model..Then I became bulimic..and the same....when I didnt worry about my weight I was happy and was far away from my mother(monster). I hated myself cos she made me feel bad....I was hospitalised and no one knows about this ED. Now Im married and have a wonderful husband and life, gained a few pounds but will never starve again or do any of that....I can only wish you happiness and more happiness....You sounds like a truly wonderful person.Love changes everything

I had an eating disorder at 19 years old. It wasn't because I thought I was fat by no means. I was just throwing up all the negativity I had gone through the past years. Throwing up the pain is what I said I was doing.

Do not let yourself become that. Your father cannot really be blamed for it being Genetic. **** happens.<br />
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I am diabetic, my mother is diabetic, my grandmother is diabetic. I don't blame her. I just look at it and say " ****.. Well this sucks..." and move on. I don't let it control my life. I don't exactly take the best care of myself with it, but i am defiantly not the worst either.<br />
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On the other hand, Anorexia and being Diabetic are two totally different things in itself. <br />
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What you have to realize, is that people will care and try to help, if you just say something, anything. Whether you want to admit it or not, it seems to me you are searching for some one to give you an answer you want to hear, not what you should hear.<br />
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I don't understand why you would want to hurt yourself in such a way. Being at such a low weight is more unhealthy, IMO, then being overweight. If you were overweight, so what? You could lose 5-10lbs then be happy that you actually accomplished something and did your body good in the same hand.<br />
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How do you see yourself in 5 years? What happens when your in a hospital because of this, and your mother or any close friend you have and ask you why you did this? <br />
<br />
You are going to continue to keep on hearing the same answers over and over again. "You need help." "You DO have an eating disorder." " You should see a dr. about that."<br />
<br />
You have to know when to finally accept the help that is out there, then to just wait for it to come to you. Even if it did come to you, will it be to late? Will the help have arrived at that moment just after, when your even more ill?<br />
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You have to know the difference between accepting it and actually admitting it to some one that you have the problem, without the fear of either being embarrassed, scared, nervous, what ever. <br />
<br />
If your therapist is the closest person you can talk to about it, so be it. <br />
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But you have to be able to tell them, face to face, and acknowledge you have the problem and are willing to accept the help.<br />
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I know this is a giant wall of text. I don't know if it helps any either, hopefully it did something. Just do not let it control your life. Accept the help that is out there, and go to it; don't let it come to you.

Hey I was really touched and saddened to read of your struggle with bulimia and anorexia. Although I have not had this myself.. I have strugged with depression and my own self image. My life has now radically changed for the better thanks to<br />
where i got the most amazing personalised guidance. Could be worth a look.. and could even change your life in the most amazing ways. Sincerely wishing you all the best Arisha.<br />

I, too, am just feeling like giving up and giving in and not caring anymore about "recovery". But deep down I see myself in 10, 20 years as a normal person with a small appetite. Who doesn't binge or purge or fast. I'm just so scared that what if me in 20 years is still someone who binges and purges a failed fast and fasts again. I get what you're saying, and I'm sorry. If you want to talk, I'll message you my email/IM.

Arisha, I say this with the utmost respect and caring for you. You DO have an eating disorder; there is no doubt. you must tell your therapist and let that person help you. If you knew how to help yourself, you would. the fact that you have bravely shared your feelings with us, tells me that deep down, you do want help, but you are so afraid to. It's okay to be afraid, but you must get help. If you are afraid to say the words, print out what you posted here and give it to the therapist. You've very clearly spelled it out. <br />
I am rooting for you. You are in my thoughts.

I am sorry you are going through this. As you probably know it can be quite dangerous and your heart could just stop beating. <br />
<br />
Please tell your therapist. I suspect there are more responses possible then those you project. At any rate its great that you are at least reaching out and posting here to people that care.<br />
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I used have bulimia. It was an obession for me. Nothing else in the world mattered but getting the food, eating my favorite purge foods like cake and ice cream, getting home to purge it. <br />
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Then I felt re-newed as though I could start my life all over again. It felt like a cleansing process to me (the purging). Next was brushing my teeth and washing my face. then I cleaned the bathroom. I was now a new person with a new life.<br />
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I would go out with friends and see family but get home as quick as possible to purge. <br />
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I did tell my therapist and my psychiatrist. Between the two of them I was cured.<br />
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I had a bout with anorxeria that lasted about a month or so when a relationship ended. I won't even eat one bite of a cookie because to me that was equal to 2,000 calories and I would certainly gain 10 lbs.<br />
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Please take care of yourself and get help.

I have also suffered from an Eating Disorder since I was 14. I am now 20 years old so it's been an on off battle now for some 6 years. I have gotten through so much and in and out of hospital and I had a good period there for almost a year. But after I recently had an abortion I felt that my life was going down the drain again and I guess I kind of gave in to the voices that are ever present in my head. I know that I can battle this like I have battled the other times but it is a hard time and I empathise with anyone out there going through this. It's as though I live my life in parallel with my eating disorder and it's a way of gaining control over issues that I just can't seem to grasp in my head. Ironically, one day I hope to be without this form of control and to fly free.

unlike a lot of things ive read, im newly having trouble. i feel like i cant control anything else (and i know all the books say it gives a person control) but how is someone supposed to help me if i dont want to help it? if the alternative is my clothes not fitting again...i dont see any other alternatives...

Hey me again lol<br />
crap thats really sad<br />
well ill be ur friend :) hehe<br />
bye xo

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle and I do know how it feels because i was anorexic for years. I'm 5'4 and got down to 85lbs and had to be hospitalized a few times. Even though I am nolonger anorexic I understand the bizaar comfort it gives you, as typically anorexic and/or bulimic people are often struggling with issues that they can not control, so like all human beings, the need to feel like you can control part of your life we end up being highly susceptible to eating disorders. It also doesn't help that our society praises being thin as if it were a badge of honour. Lord knows that we are bombarded by pictures of women who are a size 0 and since we see those pictures over and over again we start to believe that the average SUCCESSFUL women must be tiny. Finally the media is starting to discuss the numbers of actresses that are either or both anorexic and bulimic because they are constantly told that if they are not waifer thin, then they can't work in the industry. When you think about it, there are so few heavy successful female actresses, and I bet they make it ONLY because their talent far exceeds the average actresses thin counter parts. The sad thing about eating disorders is that they do isolate you. Like you said you end up losing friends, because they say lets get together and do lunch? And of course anyone with an eating disorder doesn't want to do anything or be aanywhere that challenges their thight hold on the one thing they can control, so our typical answer to these countless offers is no, and the no is often completed with a lie of some sort on why you can't go out on that particular day and on that particular time. Eventally friends stop asking you out because they get tired of hearing the excuses. There is also the simple fact that someone with an eating disorder does get attention. And most people reach an age where they understand that even negative attention is better then no attention at all. You stated that you have a court appearance coming up and obviously that fuels the eating disorder, because your unreliable feelings about your body image, coupled with the fact that you will be in public once again fuels your need for control. Anyone who has had to testify in court understands how you have zero control over what happens once you are on the stand in a trial. I learned that the very hard way, when I charged the man who raped me and had to be on the stand, being drilled by the defense attorney in every ugly way possible. When I got closer and closer to the date of the trial, the only thing on my mind was how much and how fast could I lose weight. I had gained a lot of weight after I was raped due to the fact that I fell into a very serious deep depression, and all I could think of was at the trial I would be damned if the man that raped me would see what he did to me, by my body reflection. He was not going to see a fat depressed women, he was going to see a fit attractive women that he did not DESTRY due to his illegal, violent behaviour. It was a matter of pride to me. I started writing about my story of being raped, if you have a moment check it out, it's called *Iwas raped and I am still scared every day of my life. I couldn't write the whole story down in one time because it was very drainging but part 2 .... THE TRIAL will be written and posted soon.<br />
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I also do not think you are in anyway in denial, you are probably 100% aware of what you are doing to yourself, when I was anorexic I knew without a doubt what I was doing, it started off with me simply responding to a remark my boyfriend made about my weight. He stated that if I were to lose 10lbs he would marry me. So I lost 10lbs, and when he didn't noticed I lost another 10lbs and so on and so on. I knew what I was doing but I stupidly believed I was in control, until the day it hit me that I nolonger had any friends and the only thing my family would talk to me about was, *WWhat have you eaten today?* That's when I knew that even though I thought I was in control it became very obvious that the eating disorder was infact controlling me. It's a slow process that creeps up on you and then BAM you are in a fight for your life, but I know that none of this is knew to you, because you are already there. I plan to write you a private message in he meantime don't fool yourself like I thought I was, because as silly and as fun* as it is at the beginning you are seriously playing with FIRE and your very life can be in the balance. Hang in there, Trish

you really need to get help, i used to have something like anorexia when I was 12, I didn't want to lose weight I just stoped eating because I was so depressed. But I got help and I'm glad I did. you need to get help before it's too late