Relapse

So I've been bulimic for about 3 or 4 years, and anorexic/restrictive years before that. about 2 years ago i got help when my bulimia reached an all time high of multiple binge/purge sessions a day. My therapist was great and i was starting my recovery process. I had a couple of slip ups but managed to not let myself slip back into the cycle. I had, and still do have great support from my boyfriend of 2 years now and we are so happy together. I've been in recovery for a little over a year but i'm starting the pattern again and i'm terrified. I so badly want this to all be done and over with so i can be a healthy and happy person again for myself and for him. I want to prove to myself that i can do this and i do have the power. but recently i've found myself over eating to an uncomfortable feeling. i had been great about not over eating so i dont feel the need to purge. i had been eating normal meals and had great things going for me: new job, new apartment, etc. but this past week or 2 has been different for some reason. i find myself visiting "thinspiration" videos again, and thinking about food too much. I can see the pattern starting to unfold in front of me again and it scares the **** out of me. I've worked so hard and gone through so much to become healthy again and for what? to start all over? i dont want to start all over. i wish i could take back the first time i ever did this to myself. its made me a stronger person in the end but i dont want to turn back into a food obsessed weak person again. i've been able to confide in my wonderful boyfriend this past year when i've either started to or already had a slip up. and he's great about reminding me that i dont need to do that. But i've been to scared to tell him this time. i feel like im betraying his trust. i know its stupid and i'll feel so much better like a weight off my shoulders when i do tell him. but he's been through a lot this month with his dad passing and all, i just cant find myself to burden him with my stupid problems when he has more important things to worry about. i dont want to add to his stress. i care too much about him. i just wish this wasnt happening and i just pray that this relapse doesnt turn into a full blown bulimic lifestyle again. help me stay strong.
kidsxcanxbexcruel kidsxcanxbexcruel
18-21, F
2 Responses May 15, 2012

Wow thanks! This was great advice. Thank you for helping!

No thanks are necessary. Always happy to lend whatever assistance is needed to help anyone in need. Stay strong! Just remember to take it one day at a time.

If you feel that you cannot burden your boyfriend at this point because of his personal troubles then you need to expand your support system. Identify those with whom you would not feel judged and utilize their support to move you past this speed bump (before it becomes a mountain). Slipping up doesn't make you weak, recognizing that you've slipped up, choosing to reach out so you can get back on track makes you strong. Fail intelligently by recognizing your triggers and avoiding the patterns that have led you down this path in the past. Take hold of what you have done to promote your success during the past year. Once you have reached out to your support system, including your therapist, feel free to tell your boyfriend. Not only will you have renewed trust and an absence of guilt (for not telling him sooner), but you will both feel confident that you are able to conquer the next hurdle without becoming derailed. <br />
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If you need an 'ear' send me a private message. Wishing you the greatest success in your recovery.