Closet Bulimia

i am not here to get sympathy for this post. i am here only to represent the other side of the eating disorder spectrum. all of the previous posters have suffered with an eating disorder that has eventually led to anorexia it seems. here is my story.

i was never the prettiest girl. i had large breasts and that is what got me the male attention i needed as my "drug" of validation. i never was thin. i was a size 5 in 5th grade. by eighth grade a size 8 and it kept increasing eventually to level off at a weight of around 170. i am 5'8". that weight didn't bother me because i have a large bone structure. when i met the man who was to become my husband and we started dating, i let my weight get out of control. since i was receiving unconditional validation from one man, i felt "comfortable" for the first time and just let it slip. i went up to 238lbs before i asked my mom if she thought i was pretty enough to be a bride. i did not notice my weight gain. i mean yes, i was aware i had gotten a little bigger, but not that much.

my mother told me straight out that i had gotten fat and should go to weight watchers before the wedding 10 months later. i went to weight watchers- determined. i got on the scale and got off crying. this wasn't me.

the next week i  came back after following the diet to a "T" and had lost 7lbs. great! i just needed to keep this up for the next 10 months. the weight loss slowly tapered off. it went to 1-2 lbs a week and then i started gaining on some weeks or not losing anything. my mother used to go with me everyweek. everytime i did not lose she would seem disappointed or almost angry. i started to starve myself, but was so damn hungry by the end of the day that i would binge. then after binging i would tell my then fiance that i was going to take a bath and purge because i felt so guilty for eating anything. the weight started coming back off. people were praising me left and right, telling me how great i looked and commending weight watchers and my will power. i was now puking up every meal to the point i would vomit stomach acid. i did it. not the right way, but by my wedding day i weighed 156 lbs. my mother told me i should go to 125. how? cut off the left side of my body? she has no idea what it feels like to be the big girl. i'm adopted and my mother is petite, 5 feet 2 inches and about 95 lbs. i weighed more than 2 of her. after the wedding, weight crept back on. i had 2 beautiful children and even purged when i was pregnant with them because i was so concerned about my appearance. after the birth of my 2nd i started purging again. i got to 169 from 200. now my heart starts to hurt when i do it. my teeth are sensitive and i have scars on my hands from where my teeth have rubbed against them as i gagged myself. i have put on more weight after an affair and now weight around 190. i've started again. i put an unreasonable amount of calories into my body and then i void them. i could eat an entire loaf of bread and jar of peanut butter. i could eat a bag of chips and a bucket of ice cream, it wouldn't matter, because then i would go force myself to puke. i have stopped puking in the toilet, and now do it in the trash. no body knows. and i am still fat. i don't want to weigh 85 lbs. i just want to be normal.

lostcancerian lostcancerian
36-40, F
6 Responses Apr 20, 2007

I think recovery is a life long process...... I dont win at this either.... :/

i am trying to be in "recovery", but i still struggle. it is an everyday battle, and i will be honest- i don't always win.

This post was in 2007.... I wonder whats going on with lostcancerian now.....

This post was in 2007.... I wonder whats going on with lostcancerian now.....

When I was fifteen, I had the perfect body. I was a size 3, a healthy size for a fifteen year old. When I started high school, all I saw was skinny. Skinny girls, girls who seemed to eat so much but weighed so little. I felt like I needed to be one of them in order to fit in. That is when my bulimia started. I ate and I purged. It was a never ending cycle. I struggled with it for two years, before I went and got help. The only thing that saved me from dying was my self-courage. I had the will to get better because I knew the disease was damaging me socially, emotionally, and physically. I got put on medication, and I tried not purging. The problem was that I never stopped binging. I went from 118lbs to 164lbs. I tried so many different medications after that in order to loose weight. Today, I can happily say that I don't purge anymore. The emotional catastrophe I was in then, I am out of now. I don't know how much I weigh today, because I refuse to weigh myself. I know that I am a size 6, and that is a healthy size for a 5'5, 19 year old. Even though I feel fat on some days, I am still proud of myself. Just like me, you need to have self-courage. You NEED TO WANT TO GET BETTER. You need to think about how much the eating disorder damages your life. <br />
**I had a diary, and in times of after purging I wrote all of my feelings down. It helped me understand why I was purging and why I wanted to get help.<br />
~I hope you get the courage and get help. Good Luck! ;]

I am shaking and tearing up as I read you story. I feel your pain. So many parts remind me of me. I did start as bulimic and drift into anorexia. I have been over weight for years now. Sometimes I physically hurt from the desire to purge. I think for me it has always been as much about feeling clean as about not absorbing the calories I consumed. I haven't purged in years, but I still struggle with the feelings.