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I Said I Would Never, But Oh Have I Ever......

Ive been an anorexic for almost 11 years. It used to come and go.....I would pay serious attention to my weight for a bit, but then could care less for months. Its not like that anymore, and hasnt been for some time it seems. Ive never been a "large" person. Im small framed naturally, but the idea of gaining weight for me is....frantically overwhelming. Im 27, have had three children, the oldest being nearly 7 and I currently stand at a whopping 86 pounds. . . Im only 5'1" granted, so its not really that bad...right??? I dont know anymore, thats the problem.
I dont think Im seeing me in reality anymore. When I look at myself in the mirror, each time, Im looking for that little extra weight somewhere, and I always seem to find it. My boyfriend of 8 years (I know...long time for no ring...its my fault and Ill admit that.) is aware of my issues and I find that more nowadays he says to me consistently that I am imagining what I am pointing out. There is no fat...but I can see it there. I took a picture of myself this morning, I needed to see what the camera said.....I admit, I was a little shocked.
But, Im entirely irrational and my mind said " Theres no way you are that thin, the camera made it look that way." .....

Its finally happened and it makes me angry. . . . Ive crossed the point of return by far. I mean, I must be delusional to some degree here. . . Ive tried to "get help" . . . . but realistically, the only way to fix it seems to be entirely on me, and I am not motivated to stop enough to the point that I care completely.

He'll never marry me like this. . . . But I cant imagine being any other way....
TorieLuv TorieLuv 26-30, F Jul 18, 2012

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