Fighting My Eating Disorder

Yes I have / had an eating disorder. I've overcome it but its still an ongoing battle and I have to keep an eye on it every day.

For me it started early on. I was rather depressed as a teen, didn't have many friends and very poor social skills. My father was very strict and I had to work a lot around the house.
By age 12 I did actual full construction labor, including brick laying and everything else that goes with it. As a result I was in outstanding shape for my age, I stuck out a lot. It gave me alot of attention from girls, some were even 2 grades further. All of the sudden I was popular and the center of attention, it felt great, no social skills required. All the compliments about my looks got me started in bodybuilding and it only went downhill from there.

I've never dealt with my depression and issues I've had, instead I've had the social distraction. The older I got the more I started to feel and recognize the underlying problems. It scared me a lot, my solution was to look better and better, I guess in my subconscious mind I associated aesthetics with comfort and mental well being. The workouts became more intense and the diets hit the extreme. It wasn't long before I turned to chemicals in order to maintain my routines and habits.
So far so good, my little fantasy world was working for me. Then reality hit when I injured my shoulder very badly. I couldn't exercise. My once muscular body faded away in no time and so did my "friends" Now I was just the average Joe, nothing to it.

Naturally I put on some weight, I tried to battle this any way possible, often ignoring my injuries and making matters worse. I was all over the place, from binge eating to give me comfort to hardcore dieting in order to rebuild the past. I was in this situation for years, even long after my shoulder got better and I got my body back, I could never maintain a balanced and healthy diet anymore.
It was very stressful and I didn't know what to do. Thats when I first started looking into the matter. Everything I've just described wasn't apparent to me until this point. I slowly started to take the issues apart, there are some I can and some I can't fix. But I realized as long as I keep working on it, it gives me perspective. I feel more in charge of my own life, which in turn gives me strength and comfort. I no longer have to turn to food for that.

So to make this long story short:
I've had bad eating habits that I couldn't change, despite better judgment. I had to refocus my efforts, its not a matter of making healthy and conscious decisions about your diet, we all know how to do that. Its a side effect of an underlying mental disorder, in my case obviously anxiety and social phobia. So finding out the cause is key.

Again, there are no people with "an eating disorder" what you have is a far deeper problem.

This is why earlier I said its an ongoing battle, I think some of these things can't be changed, some can even be genetic. But you can change the way they affect you and find different outlets for them, therefore bypassing the eating disorder.
NickH87 NickH87
22-25, M
Aug 15, 2012