Alone

I've always heard "you're not alone"
but until I made my ED related instagram and this account I never believed it. After reading a few stories from this group, though, I know it really is true. I can identify and relate with so many of the posts here and in a way it makes me happy.

No one in my real life know how much I hate myself, mirrors, scales, or food. How could they? Two days ago, my two best friends found a girls eating disorder instagram that was following me on my non-eating disorder related one. They went through every. single. one. of her pictures.
Making remarks like "Oh my god look how skinny she looks! Look what she says about herself! this one says 'fat ugly cow' what the **** is wrong wwith her?!"
It almost brought me to tears and I felt horrible. I couldn't even take up for the poor girl because I was so afraid that they'd be suspicious of me. I just sat there and felt sick to my stomach. They don't know that I'm like this, broken like I am.
It made me lose respect for them. I was actually considering opening up and telling them to help me. F* that.

I understand eating disorders are dangerous, but I can't stop. Honestly, I don't even want to. Has anything like this happened to anyone else???
digapony digapony
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 20, 2012

Eating disorders are dangerous - I still struggle I have basically gone from one exream to the other. I was very thin in highschool but never thought I was. I was also a competative rider and the day I was to thin to stay on my horse I gave in to get help - but I did not get enough not until much later and now I have ruined so many chances and experiences because of my ED also I like permanantly ruined my body my hormones got out of whack back then because I was too thin and they still are.

No no one who has not lived it can understand but I do and now I can understand drug addicts, alcohalics, anorexics, bulimics, bingers

Find help from someone eho knows how - and keep trying till you find someone who works for you. I just lost my counciler and I am trying to find a new one, as I still struggle with anxiety and stress and self doubt that blocks me horriblly. I started journaling and it helps - I do not write about my ED I try to put words to how I feel and then just write what ever comes to my head. It helps calm me down

My mom goes through all of my stuff so journaling is out of the question. I plan to write a book one day, but for now it's like I'm always trapped in my head. None of my family knows (although they're 24/7 attempts to make me eat lead me to think they're suspicious) non of my friends know, and I honestly can't bring myself to tell them :( It's like a hell. Every time I find a friend to talk to from some kind of website it just turns into a destructive relationship ending in tips races and challenges /:

Well if you want you can message me I can promise you I will not give you tips to make it worse - If you want someone to be accountable to, I could use that myself - No one but my parents knew when I was in HS - my friends thought I was "lucky" to be so thin but several of them ended up hospitalized for ED I heard later when I went to college. I also am unique in that I work in an area where people would be in shock if they knew I still struggle and even in trying to find a new councilor I am afraid to be brutally honest.