I Feel Like...

...i'll never be able to recover until i have full-blown anorexia, like i need that diagnosis to validate that i even have an eating disorder and "deserve" to tell people that.
like, i'm so sick. i know i am. i've gone for days eating a yogurt and a piece of grilled chicken.
i've had a disordered mindset since i was 8 and except for a brief period i've always tended toward restricting. but it's never enough for me to become really skinny and sick like without even realizing it i'll just be eating. which is made even worse because of the fact that i'm transferring colleges (again) and my life is basically a total failure right now.
i think i'm devolving into actual anorexia really fast, and just as my life is starting to get better. i want to recover, but i feel like i have to put in my time before i do... does that make any sense? like i need to actually be anorexic to recover. it's messed up, i know, and i realize its partly the eating disorder talking, but the one time i really full-on restricted for an extended period i didn't even get skinny. like this whole thing was all about needing to be nurtured and cared for in the first place, and if i keep ******* up i'll never get the nurturing that comes with being too skinny, etc. god its so frustrating. i hated myself when i was sick, but my life was the best its ever been before or since and i want that back. so miserable. any advice would be appreciated.
wintergirl00 wintergirl00
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 3, 2012

I fully understand what you mean, I have had body image problems, disordered eating and weight issues for as long as i can remember now. I use to always ask people how they think my body is (Skinny,average, fat, obese), they would always tell me i was either skinny or average but that was never good enough as i felt they were lieing.

I suffered this for quite a while before everyone said i had a problem, but i could never see it and the smallest comment would set it off again.

I have never been sick enough to go into hospital or never skinny enough to be considered anorexic and because of that at the back of my mind i still have something to work towards before im taken seriously.

I was diagnosed with atypical Anorexia Nervosa and and currently waiting for a space in an ED clinic, part of me thinks im not sick enough, not worth it and part of me says i need this to recover so i dont get worse.

You can still make that step so you dont have to feel like you must get worst before better?

Thanks for the kind words. Unfortunately, my therapist will not send me to a clinic unless I'm really compromised, as I tend to see hospitalization as a "safe place" or a way out of dealing with my problems. At this point, I'm relapsed, and I'm essentially waiting for things to get bad enough that I'll "qualify," in my therapist's eyes, for res... it's not that she thinks I'm not skinny enough or too medically stable or whatever, but she tends to see girls who look toward the hospital as looking for a way out of dealing with the deeper issues (as treatment centers tend to be more nutrition and medically-based than individual-psychotherapy based). But we'll see. I also don't know that front-ending the problem is going to help--I was hospitalized once before I really needed it weight-wise (though I was very sick medically) and I got very sick last semester, but since there was a lot in my life I wanted to escape from, my therapist didn't tend to "recognize" it as much. I don't know. I don't want a therapist who will throw me into res at any little sign of slipping, but I also don't like feeling like I have to "impress her" so to speak, to get into a higher level of care... and I certainly don't like feeling like I'm just going to slowly relapse until I'm forced into res.
I KNOW that there are girls who go into res, are able to look back on it and say, "wow, I was SICK," and how much that helps their recovery because it's sort of a sense of closure. For me, I'm relapsing SO slowly because I feel like I was only kind of sick. I don't know.
Sorry, I'm rambling now. I wish I could explain it more clearly. But the whole thing just sucks.