Do I Have A Problem?

That was a stupid question really. I mean, i do have a problem, a huge one. Since I was very little I have struggled with food. I remember in third grade having to explain to my teacher that I could eat the banana bread that she wanted me to eat. I don't like banana bread; just the smell makes me want to puke. Don't get me wrong though, i'm not bulimic. But then, when i slept over at friends houses I'd have to take my bowl, straw and nesquick powder: that's what I eat for breakfast everyday. I had to have it for breakfast, nothing else would do and i couldn't risk my friend not having the exact same thing at her house.
Then there was sixth grade. We all went to nature camp for a week. We couldn't choose the food they served. And because it as a nature camp they really stressed finishing all that was on your plate. I probably didn't eat every other meal. Breakfast was ok though. They served corn flakes. I remember my teacher coming and checking in on me to see what i had ate. and when i didn't eat she would take be back and i'd have some ceral, i didn't really like ceral but i was fine eating it. I never thought i had a problem, i mean was just always naturally skinny. I was one of the tall girls in my class always had been, and i weighed the same as the smaller girls if not less. You could see my ribs, but it wasn't disturbing. But then later that year in sixth grade, this guy in my class randomly turned around and said 'you're anorexic.' Your probably thinking i like freaked out or got all upset, or felt something, but to be honest, i didn't even know what that word meant! I've been a picky eater my whole life. Today i could probably count the different foods i eat on simply my 10 fingers. Just the smell of certain foods make me want to vomit. I cant eat sauces or dressing. I only eat the plainest of foods. That being said I practically only eat carbs: bagels, bread, pasta, rice.. Not very anorexic sounding is it? My mom used to try and force me to eat foods. Dinner time was a huge dilemma. Sometimes i would try to hide the food, or flush it down the toliet when she didn't know, or pretend to shallow then spit it out in the toliet after. Sometimes i would be at the table for two hours staring at the food, and waiting my mom out...
Next was middle school. All my friends would always comment on how skinny i was. always say you need to eat some mcdonalds. I then took the foods elective class one year in middle school. I've always kind of liked cooking, just not eating what I make. We make all kinds of things in foods class, all kinds of things i don't like, don't eat. One day the teacher asked me to step outside. I was laughing with my friends in out kitchen group, so i was surely getting in trouble for being disruptive. Boy was i wrong. "I'm worried about you, i am, i'm worried about you. the way you just sit there and look at the food... Do you see where I'm going with this?" I almost bursted out laughing, I said I no that i didn't know where she was going with this, but i did; she thought I was anorexic, wow she really didn't know me. Or did she know me better then I knew myself?
People always think Im a vegetarian, they assume i am. I mean i dont really eat meat, i might as well be a vegetarian. I don't know what it is about food, but its repulsing ,or not attractive i guess. When people talk about traveling they talk about loving the food,i coulsn't be more opposite; going somewhere new, i dont know whta the food will be like and i cant have it change! I also don't eat 'meals' and i hate complex things.why ruin something that was just fine plain and simple. Going out to the restaurant or to a different country or to a camp or something anything, every time the biggest concern is the food. I eat the same thing all the time, like i said i probably dont eat more then 10 different foods. At school I've eatten the exact same lunch since like 4th or 5th  grade. 1 slice of plain white bread. 7 grapes or so. 7 baby carrots about or radishes. and a cookie to finish. Carrots and radishes are the only vegtables i eat. A few years ago i was at teh grocery store with my mom, as i always go with her, and the bread that i eat, well the packaging had changed...Melt down... I couldn't eat that bread anymore i mean it was different. they changed it. why did they change it? But i could not bare eating any other bread. it was hard but i accepted the change and continued with that bread. I have to go to the next town over's grocery store, even though there is one litteraly down the street, because they dont have the right brand of little sausages i like. 
My mom got fed up with my eating and sent me to a nutritionist sometime in middle school. Boy that was a wast of time. The lady was stupid and just because we tells me what i already know the healthy diet that contains this many serving of this..blah..blah...blah. Needless to say that did nothing. And we never really addressed this so much. I dont need help, nobody can change me. High school and people still always tell me how skinny i am. Freshman year in pe i meet a really good friend of mine and She was skinny i mean her legs where so thin. She was my height as well; id never meet any one my height that was skinnier then me. She was sort of a threat. I mean looking back i felt like i was competing with her, except i was the only competing. But when we did the bmi test in pe, she weighted more then me! How? She's skinnier then me? At least that's how i saw it. At the end of teh year swim unit is when i think it kind of hit me. I wasn't self consious about my body, i mean i have acne and i always feel insecure about that but that's different, i mean i was one of the only girl who felt comfortable wearing a 2 piece. My hip bones kinda stick out and so did the corners of my ribs and you could not only see my collar bones but my whole sternum stick out, but id always been like that and i didnt think it was a problem. but im the locker room, everyone as like 'oh my gosh, your so skinny! do you even have organs?' and for once i became self concious about my body in public like that. Then sophomore year i began keeping a journal or what foods i eat how many calories they had and fat calories and how much exercise i did and how much of the calories i ate that i burned. I horseback ride as my sport and its the best, it makes me the most happy and keeps me doing some activity. Second half of sophomore year i also joined the gymnastics team which helped with the excersize part. But it was tradition to basically eat a ton of candy and chips and such when we have meets. and i started gaining weight, i mean i love candy, i shouldn't but i do. I felt terrible about my self and still do now into junior year. I haven't really lost the weight that i've gained and it shows, at least to me. I still  fit into some of my clothes from the 6th grade, even though I'm a junior in high school. But I had these one pair of pants that i bought freshman year that were very rigid and not forgiving to the extra weight I've added and now no longer fit me. I keep them though, that way everything i open my pants drawer i long to be able to fit in them again. And i will.
Recently i've become consumed with taking a picture of my self everyday, to make sure im not getting to large... 
I also forgot to mention that I have a horseback riding accident and broke my back! So for the past 4 months so far i havent been able to exercise and still wont be able to for another 2months!! im so fragile i've been to the ER 3 times since june, but for horseriding injuries. Although I haven't gained a lot of weight I still have and i cant do anything about it. Because my muscles are weak and such, i now have some belly flap coming on that im repulsed by... cant wait to get rid of it! But the comforting thing is that people didnt even notice that i was wearing a brace under my shirts, so maybe they're blind but maybe my stomach isn't too bad, at least not yet...
Please feel free to comment. I want to know, is there anyone else out there like me???
tiredanduninspired tiredanduninspired
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 6, 2012

I know what you are going through, at least I can relate to most of it. If you would like to have someone to talk to I'd be glad to give you my email (: I could use the extra support as well