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I Am Bulimic

I am bulimic. I don't want to be this way. Or maybe I do. I sit on the fence and I want to be able to eat without the compulsion to throw it up. But the thought of not having it terrifies me. In a weird way throwing up is my safety net. When I can't control anything else, I can control that. No one can make me eat or keep it down if I don't want to.

I wish it was only about the control. I wish it was. But it's about vanity too. I love being thin. I measure myself all the time. Making sure my waist doesn't get a fraction bigger. I hate myself for that. I do. I feel like i deserve to have have to live with this for being so superficial.

I don't know. I don't even want to write this because I feel so... wrong.
KnaveOfClubs KnaveOfClubs 18-21, M 2 Responses Jan 6, 2013

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hope you eat better , need someone to talk to inbox me , i hope we all get help

i Know exactly how you feel.I did not eat much today but the overwhelming need is there.I call this part of myself up and over cause i neeed to get it up and over with for about 5 min i feel good.Then i feel guilty and knowing this is hurting me.its a terrible complusion.

I hope you find the peace you deserve