Fuggles is what I describe myself as ( fat and ugly) Anyway ...

Hi everyone

I'm not sure if I belong in this group but I'm starting to scare myself. Off late, I've been more and more obsessed with my weight, body and looks. I can attribute some of the obsession to the fact that I'm currently on an almost 4 month holiday but this actually has been going on for a while, but I chose not to deal with it.

I think it all begins with the emotional trauma I have experienced. However, I was fine with my appearance and weight up until I was 16 ( to an extent) I mean I don't think of myself as beautiful, but I didn't place any emphasis on it. Now, people started telling me that I was fat, and please note, these were family members, aunts especially, constantly mocking my appearance. Many of my cousins are very fair skinned with light eyes, light hair, and in school, people would come up to me and be like ' Why don't you look like your cousins? What happened to you?' . Bahahahaha . I'm laughing but it hurt. I'm mixed race, and have darker features and I schooled in a very close minded environment.

Anyway. My eating habits were not, and still are not the healthiest choice but I've tried having only two meals a day, with no snacks in between, just water. That was going well, until I strayed from my new 'lifestyle' and feelings of guilt and shame started gnawing @ my conscience ever since. Please don't judge me, but I've started purging(hurling), at least once a day. I feel like I'm another person when I do this but it helps rid the feelings of guilt and shame associated with eating , a bit. I feel like this is the start of an eating disorder that I'm imposing on myself but I want to help myself before its too late.

I used to eat whatever I wanted whenever. Yes, perhaps maybe I over indulged. To be honest , I weigh 50kg and my height is a little over 1.7 metres, I'm quite tall. My ideal weight is 45 kg, and I've been obsessing over this. I'm underweight, my BMI 2 weeks ago was about 17 but now its dropped to 16.something. A person of my height should weigh 66kg to have a healthy BMI.

I'm terrified of messing with my health, but I think I'm more terrified of becoming more fat.

I know some of you will think, oh my word this girl is sick, she doesn't know what fat n ugly is but lemme give you an idea of what's going on ;

I stopped going out when I was 17. I'm 20 now. In school, I was never invited to parties or get togethers, I was never part of the 'popular crowd'. In fact the girls were so mean to me, they'd laugh @ me in my face. They'd plan events infront of me and then they'd make jokes and say 'oh you're not invited because you're too fly to hang out with us' (huuuuuh). They knew I was mixed race so they'd prank call me and refer to me using racist derogatory terms and snigger on the other end of the line. They'd make jokes about me randomly in class and would encourage others to laugh. (My main bullly hated me cause her boyfriend asked me out while they were dating, justice!, but so immature). My hair was too curly for them, I got teased for that too. I started hating my appearance, my size, everything. I could NOT look in the mirror. I eventually stopped going out and when there were family outings or excursions in school, I had to come up with excuses to avoid showing my face in public. I'm absolutely happy with being mixed race, I used to be ashamed but I'm not anymore, I have no problem talking about it or looking people in the eye and telling them what I am, thanks to certain people here on EP as well as myself. Anyway I feel so damn ugly all the time, sometimes I feel like I was born disfigured. You know they say aesthetic beauty is measured in symmetry? I feel my face is so damn asymmetrical. I have thunder thighs and a huge *** butt and hips =/ . Sometimes I think I have BDD ( body dysmorphic disorder) too. My beautiful cousins would comment on my weight and looks, and of course, they didn't have very nice things to say. Like, I always said, words won't bring be down etc etc but I think subconsciously it has built up and is affecting me now.

When I read that, what I wrote above, I'm in awe. I feel like its another side of me, a dark side. I work with people, and I feel like a hypocrite, because I promote that what's on the outside does not matter at all and its what's on the inside that matters, which I still stand by but this has become an active obsession. I mean I check my body like 20 times a day, my tummy , my butt, my thighs, legs.

Anyway, I realised that this is really affecting my life. I'm becoming distant from my family because I can't bond with them, I don't wanna go out. Now that I'm at university, people do invite me to parties and stuff but I can't go cause I'm so insecure. I feel like people are looking @ me in disgust and thinking what a hideous fat girl. I force myself to go to university for obvious reasons, but that too I wear a scarf on my head and glasses to further hide my hideous appearance.

When people compliment me I feel like I'm being mocked. I try to keep myself together but once I'm alone, I cry and hurt myself.
I used to go for extra tuition in my senior year and the class was full of girls. They would hate on me and say I'm weird looking and just have a good laugh. =/ . I don't understand, if you don't have anything nice to say why speak @ all, honestly, I'm appalled by people like that.

Anyways enough of my ranting. Its not a priority atm, but I feel like which man is gonna want to love me, hideous creature ? I'm actually a loner nowadays and I've become so comfortable with being one( because I don't go out or socialise), it scares me. I mean independence is fantastic but I'm human, I crave close relationships. But I know relationships require effort and because I'm ashamed of my appearance, I don't want to converse. And its forming part of my personality now. I feel my life will only start once I reach my desired weight and maybe it'll be too late then.

I'm tired of putting my life on hold because of all this cra.p. Its ridiculous. I'm so ashamed when I go out, that I have to fight back heavy tears to not ruin anyones outing and mood.

I do have a therapist and I've been seeing her for a year now but she only listens, she has not diagnosed me, or really given me any proper advice. But I feel she has helped because I feel the first step to recovery is putting your worries out there, getting it out of your head and just exploring your exact thoughts and feelings on the situation, which sets the idea or plan on how and at what pace you gonna recover. The problem is I can't start seeing a more experienced psychiatrist or something because that would mean my parents and family would have to get involved. They have no idea what I've been through and what I'm currently going through because I'm living with 2 older siblings one who has depression and the other severe depression and anorexia. They have taken my parents attention from ever since I can remember, and they put them through a lot, everyday all the time, and so I've been neglected in that regard and I was never allowed to show my feelings or anything. I've gotten over the fact that. My parents didn't give me much of their time , I guess I understand to an extent but this has resulted in me emotionally shutting them out, growing up they were too busy with my other siblings to even listen to how my day went, but more importantly I really do love and respect my parents, they're still good people and I don't want them to have to deal with a 3rd child of theirs having these issues. I see how my siblings bring tears to their eyes and it breaks my heart and I can't bear to see that. Anyway the first thing I recovered from was being comfortable with being mixed race, and I won't say I'm whole in that regard but it is most certainly no longer an issue for me and it used to be my biggest worry. This is how I know that its possible for me to get better, independently, before its too late. I've put it out there now, I feel a lot better getting these thoughts out of my head.

I do exercise, and I'm not just starving and purging to lose the weight.

I do have hope. And I have to help myself because overcoming this will make me a better person, and I want to be the best person I can be, I want to give my best to the people in my life, and those still to come, even if its not reciprocated. I want to turn my wounds into wisdom and help others with the knowledge I've gained from my experiences,good and bad, otherwise it would have been for nothing.

Thank you for reading this and pray that I can overcome this impediment on my way to what really is important, being the best I can be.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 11, 2013