My Silent Misory

When I was in seventh grade the insecure babble that constantly filled my mind got the best of me. It had me go into the bathroom and puke up all my lunch. I remember being terrified of somebody figuring out, of the bathroom smelling, of my face telling the secret I desperately wanted to hide.
I am now in eleventh grade, and I am 16. I suffer with anxiety, depression and an eating disorder. At times I throw up 8 times a day, I've fasted for 5 days, taken laxatives like I breathe. I've passed out, I've puked blood. I've laid on my bathroom floor curled into a ball crying because my stomach hurts from taking laxative for to long. I have collapsed and had some of the worst headaches from dehydration. Sometimes my throat hurts so bad I sound like an old woman. My hands have had calluses and cuts from my teeth, and it wasn't until recently that I told.
I was seriously dehydrated, and blacking out so I told my mom. I told her a very mild story. Mistake? Im not sure. She hasn't brought it up, and right now Im okay with that. Im working with my therapist on trying to figure out what I want. I'm in the pre-contemplation state of recovery. Thats the first step, apparently. It means Ive acknowledged I have a problem but Im not ready to make a change.
I am an average weight but average is not what I crave. I crave terrible things that only death can reach. I crave bones, and 0% fat. I will never reach that, and therefor I will never be happy.
This is my unfinished story- because I know, someday, I will be recovered.
I will. I will be normal. I will be comfortable in my own body, and maybe get a break from the insecure babble that I've had since I was really little.
I will get better- maybe not right now, maybe not in the next year but someday.
Thats all I can promise myself, and for me.... thats enough to keep me hopeful.
KenziesKrazy KenziesKrazy
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 15, 2013

I love that you want to get better and i especially love that last part " i will get better- maybe not right now, maybe not in the next year but someday".....im going to write that down :)

Thank you, you have no idea how much it means to me that you commented. :)

No problem :) we're all looking for some sort of help and your story gave me some hope