Food Is the Enemy

I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't worry about being fat although I never weighted more than 125 (I'm 5"5') during the last 2 years or so it reached a new dimension though. If you'd wake me up at 3 in the morning I could still tell you the amount of calories in pretty much everything I've ever had by heart. I only weight 80lbs right now and everyone is pressuring me to gain weight, which resulted in a bullimic phase that's been going on for 2 weeks now. I hate myself for it! Anorexia might be bad, but bullimia?? It's awful. I don't even wanna get up in the morning anymore, I feel even worse about myself than i used to, which I didn't think was possible. I don't know what to do anymore. only a week ago I was ready to see a therapist, but now this is out of the question again.
I swore today's binge is going to be the last one, let's hope I can stick to it...
Nesikha Nesikha
18-21, F
2 Responses Jun 30, 2007

thank you for your comment. I've actually had a therapist before, not for my ED, but for a PTSD. And it only made everything a lot worse... :( But I know I should try a therapy, because at this stage I'm very close to hospitalization and then I'd REALLY lose control. <br />
I really hope I can get the binging under control myself though because it's only been two weeks while my anorexia has been going on for years.

Hi Nesikha, I am 46 and I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't worry about being fat either. I have struggled with bulimia for many years. I have never been anorexic although a first cousin I grew up with was anorexic when we were teens. She had to be hospitalized because she was dangerously thin. I think the binging is not something you will be able to control through an effort of will... I know it can be really frightening, but I really hope you will see a therapist ... that is so important. My therapist has really helped me a lot with my bulimia and my issues about food and body image and weight.