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Will It Ever End?

When I was 16 I went on a diet to lose a couple of pounds.  I wasn't overweight, mind you, just wanted to do something right for my mom.  She has always had a hard time showing me love, and nothing I ever did seemed good enough for her.  I lost about 10 pounds and mom paid attention to me, took me shopping and told me how good I looked.  I was so happy that something I did actually pleased her that I spiraled into a losing weight frenzy.  I am not blaming my mother, she didn't make me eat or not eat, but the attention she showed me, finally, made me feel a little bit special.  She took me clothes shopping, started showing me off to her friends, telling people about her beautiful daughter, etc......   I am now 29, about to have my 20-10th birthday and I still fight this eating disorder.  I have gained and lost through the years and have still yet to be happy with what I look like on the outside.  I know that I am a good person on the inside, but  I cannot bring myself to eat a home-cooked meal with the kids.  I am forever making them wonderful meals, but when I sit down with them I have a salad.  I know it isn't good for them to see this behavior, but better they see me eat something than nothing.  I am abou 128 pounds right now and 5'5".  I had a goal weight of 125, but seeing that I am almost there and still not happy I have lowered the goal to 110.  111 would technically put me underweight, but 110 is a better-rounded number.  I don't know why the numbers on the scale dictate my happiness/anger at myself.  I don't know why I still fight this.  I am not a crazy person, I guess I just feel that to be deserving of someone's love I need to be thin enough, pretty enough.  With a failed marriage under my belt and now being a single mother of 3 children, whom I adopted, I am scared of never finding love again.  I am scared that I'll never be "deserving" enough.  So I eat very little and jog everyday, trying to make myself look good enough, but the mirror never lies, the mirror hates me.  I cannot see what others see.  I get compliments, sure...but I never know how to respond, as I don't feel anything but repulsion for my looks.  Thanks for listening and letting me vent!
Jynx Jynx 31-35, F 24 Responses Jul 1, 2007

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Hello there :) passing through as i read yourbattle with weight gain and losing it over and over again caught my eye lol.<br />
<br />
I feel your struggle as i did in the past the gaining and losing weight consitently.<br />
It is quite a bit of a challenged isn't?<br />
<br />
I experienced trying everything just about every diet pills it came out i would loads of them and realized not one will work.<br />
<br />
Then something or someone actually came up ad adviced me how i can truly lose this weight.The natural ways without so much strain and a much healthyier ways to lose it without any risk of over dosing with diet pills or crash diets that was so dangerous and can put you ona stroke.<br />
<br />
I was told to start eating 350 calories every (2) hours,and i thought it was to much food?Then just when i started the two hour meal diet it seems i am starving by the time two hours was up.<br />
<br />
This is when the moment of thruth flashing infront of my eyes;<br />
<br />
The amount of food i was eating the portion was way to much for my system to digest in which has slowed my metabolism(sp) what causes my constant weight gain.<br />
<br />
When i started the meal diet for two months it helped me discipline my wanting to stuff my mouth with food everytime i see any laying around lol.<br />
<br />
It gave me the feeling "I will not starve there is so much food this is a new day" .<br />
We are not in poverty living we do not need to eat to much to survive just incase there will be nore more food to reach.<br />
<br />
We may not think that way but you know as a human being it is an instinct why such things happen to anyone.<br />
<br />
Use your logic,discipline,and put a goal,and when you start your diet do it for your self to look and feel good not for anyone but YOU.<br />
<br />
Our body does not need to much food to survive we just need just enough not to be hungry. Eat to be satisfied not to be so full and hurting after a while.<br />
<br />
We hurt after eating because our system is trying to digest so much food espescially when you or anyone would consumed so much sweets and protein and not enough vegetables and fruits to balance it.<br />
<br />
What you need to do is to understand who matters most.<br />
<br />
Is it you or your mother?<br />
<br />
Yes,yes we love our mother our parents yes they are the love of our life,BUT<br />
there is a line you need to see.<br />
<br />
Love should mean;<br />
<br />
UNCONDITIONAL <br />
<br />
YOU Love to LIVE and not live for someone else but you.<br />
<br />
YOU need to be strong mind,heart,and soul.<br />
<br />
Be CONFIDENT is what will others will like you for who you are.<br />
<br />
The NEED for appreciation is by earning such and NOT liking you and want to be with you and be around you just because.<br />
<br />
Keep your self busy with other things and STOP thinking what will make others like you.<br />
<br />
There are so many things to do to keep busy and just live your life the way it should be.<br />
<br />
Be happy for you and only you.<br />
<br />
As an advice not attacking you in anyway shape or form.I apologized if i may seemed to be speaking to you harshly it is not intended in anyway.<br />
<br />
I want to help you STAND UP dust it off and just LIVE<br />
<br />
I was there long ago realizing such life to live through was so wrong.<br />
<br />
Let the negativity pass you by and not allow it to affect you in anyway.<br />
<br />
My prayers are with you<br />
<br />
Much Love and God Bless<br />
<br />
Diana/ aka PreciousObiOne<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Without----> EXPECTATION

Hey Jynx...<br />
I am a registered Dietetic Technician (like a Dietician), but not a 4 year degree -two years. <br />
I wouldn't mind chatting with through mail to fight this thing if you would like. I can share with you quite a bit.<br />
Good nutrition is the key to sucess. Learning about how to take care of the body may help you. Have you tried that? You can eat well, be healthy, and still look great! I am proof! <br />
I agree with one of the comments below "the media is not a good thing to focus on when you are stuggling with this". Think of all the Hollywood stars that get plastic surgery and Goodness, you should see some of them without make up. Guess what, they look like regular people....:) Just like you and me.

My sister is currently struggling with this disease. At times, I find it hard to feel bad for her. Her attitude is completely different from that sister I knew growing up. She has become selfish, self centered, and downright rude. She keeps it a secret from everyone. She tells people she doesn't want to get better and that if she could have this disease without the thoughts in her head she would. My mother has tried to help her but all my sister does is blame her, ultimately making my mother worse in her depression. It has ripped our family apart. The worst thing is, it runs in our family. My grandmother has a mild case and my mother was full blown AN when she was 17 but has been recovered since. Now, at 17 almost 18, my sister has had this disease for a year now. I just gave birth to my daughter and don't want her to be subjected to all of this low self esteem and ideas. I don't want her to develop this issue. I feel discusted when my sister forces herself to do the things she does and I dont want her doing it around my child. She doesn't care if she dies. I've tried to talk to her time and time again. I can't understand why someone would think that this is OK. How do I try to prevent this horrible disease from infecting my child?! It is one of my biggest fears.

If you do find love again, I hope it's someone that will love you for who you are, not for what you look like. We all change. I would not like to be with someone that wanted me for my looks. What will happen when the aging process takes over?<br />
There are plenty of "perfect looking" women who are very unhappy, have nobody, and they get left behind and cheated on just like everybody else. True love has nothing to do with looks. Would you love your children any less if they loss or gained a few pounds? I think not.<br />
Best of luck on your journey.

My heart aches to watch people suffer from this horrific plight. <br />
<br />
Under the heading of "Causes" in Wikipedia it states the following:<br />
Studies have suggested that the initial weight loss such as dieting may be the triggering factor in developing AN in some cases, possibly due to an already inherent predisposition toward AN. One study reports cases of AN resulting from unintended weight loss that resulted from varied causes such as a parasitic infection, medication side effects, and surgery. The weight loss itself was the triggering factor.<br />
<br />
I am not a doctor but in my opinion, these causes are hogwash. <br />
<br />
Many victims of this disease, readily admit their eating disorder somehow resulted from initially losing weight in order to please or an attempt to please another.. their mother, their boyfriend etc. or to somehow "fit in" or "get the attention" they desire. <br />
<br />
While many victims may concentrate on how to curb the desire for attention, I cannot help but think this is treating the symptom and not the problem. How is Anorexia an eating disorder not like any other major eating disorder? <br />
<br />
Is changing one's perception of their self image the way to recovery?<br />
I think not. You can tell the person a thousand times they are beautiful but they fall on deaf ears. You can show the person many pictures, before or after and the belief system does not change. <br />
<br />
I cannot help but feel this disease is caused by one necessary missing element and it's not "getting attention". <br />
<br />
Although the getting attention is a component, an action (systemic symptom) created from the underlying problem.<br />
<br />
To treat a person with Anorexia by behavior modification by having one not focus on the desire of wanting attention is ludicrous. For anyone to fight their desire for attention may not only be difficult, but defies human nature. The irony of the Psychiatrist who's advice it for his patient to curb her desire for attention, then writes a book on the subject. <br />
<br />
The source of the problem has been speculated from an actual physical origin, to a need for attention. I find it more plausible to believe these are symptoms, stemming from the root of a deeper issue. <br />
<br />
Like many psychological disorders, the origin may stem from a multitude of reasons and emotions. I may be way off here, but I suspect many victims fall into three catagories.<br />
<br />
a) Control. <br />
It may be having a feeling a LACK of control in one's life or the opposite, the out of control desire to want total control over every aspect in one's life. A type of panic which snowballs into a frenzy of wanting to control everything, this self defeating thought process permeates into psychological disorder. After all, eating is the one constant aspect in our lives, that as individuals, we have complete control over.<br />
<br />
b) Unresolved Anger /Hurt. You've done me wrong now I'll take control. Look what you did to me. A picture is worth a thousand words. <br />
<br />
c) Feeling unloved. Feeling unloved in general and/or the fear of not being able to secure the love of another. Feeling unloved, can be attributed from or confounded by the perception of feeling unloved by others. Feeling so unloved, one denies herself the very basic thing her body needs- nourishment to live.<br />
<br />
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As Jynx has confessed, the strong fear of feeling that she may not be loved again, is a strong emotion, one driving her to limit her food intake. Jynx, you understand the origin of our problem, stemming from feeling unloved by your mother, coupled with the fact of her positive reinforcement of love after you lost the weight = a catalyst of a gratifying emotional experience when you dieted. Your astute self-diagnosis is the start to forming a plan to heal oneself.

I can relate to how u feel...technically I am recovered because I have kept my weight stable (between 130 and 138 at 5'10") for about 10 years, but I was between 105 and 113 when I felt best, (my hormones and excercise always give me that eight pound weight flucuation so watch out before my period..I am EVIL!!!) which any reasonable person will tell you is sick, I mean a 5'10' person should NOT be a size 0, but even at a 4/6, I look in the mirror and feel like a fat pig, but I keep eating because, hey, I have a son, and I have to live for him, you know? I try to eat like south beach style and not obsess about excercise, which makes it relatively easy to eat healthfully and stay on the lower weight spectrum of a healthy weight. Basically, think 3 meals a day, very few 'man made carbs' and protien for snacks like lite cheese, a roll up of lunch meat, a hanful of nuts, a glass of milk. My trigger is when life is out of control or stressful, whoa! You'd swear I was the goodyear blimp! I never feel thin even though, obviously, 135 lbs is on the low end for 5'10", but it always haunts me and I am 34. my ED was active from 20-24. Well, stay strong for you're kids dearie:)

I just had to add a comment...I don't know anything about eating disorders, much. I have starved myself back when I was a kid to look better for something - prom, etc, and I do know a little bit about the psychological feeling of control you get when you so stringently control your food intake. So I could see how it could be a problem like anything else...anxiety, drugs, lack of self esteem...we all have our problems.<br />
<br />
But, I wanted to comment on your "I adopted 3 kids and am a single mother so don't know if anyone will want me", to paraphrase.<br />
<br />
Well I adopted 2 kids, one of which is blind, and have a disabled Mom who lives with me, and 10 animals that were rescued. And, I still found plenty of guys willing to take that on. Don't worry...a lot of men in their 30s and 40s kind of like the idea of a family and have found they really love kids. If you were looking for a 22 yr old guy, it would be more of an issue.<br />
<br />
Just sayin! <br />
<br />
About your issues, now I studied clinical psychology and am degreed in it, but chose a different career path. However, we learned a lot of self-regulating techniques and there are tons of types of ways of dealing with issues. You need to work on it, sure....we all have things we need to work on. Why don't you split the difference and say "115", and you seem like an intelligent woman...you will know that no one of average height, in the history of the world, has EVER been fat at 115. Ever. Never happened, never will, physically impossible. So even if you *see* the hugest cow in the planet in the mirror, there is a psychological technique of just skipping the depth, the self-examination, and going for a result. Yours is "doesn't matter what I think, I'm 115 THEREFORE I'm not fat (am in fact on the cusp of underweight), and that's all the thought I'm putting in to it". <br />
<br />
You know your reasons, you know how it happened, you know why it happens, and you still persist in the irrational thought, one that could really hurt you. You can try this, stop giving it so much importance.<br />
<br />
It is a technique that works for some people who have a modicum of control over their issue. You do. You're 29 and manage a deadly disorder successfully in terms of keeping your health, although your mind fights you. So you're a candidate for this extremely simple technique of 'results only'. <br />
<br />
(It is akin to the moderately shy person pretending that they're not shy at all....and then soon finding that they are, in fact, not shy anymore. A profoundly shy person couldn't pull this off.)

Hi Jynx!<br />
<br />
From my own experiences I speak.....<br />
The only way to find love is to find it in your self! You must love your self before you can love someone else. <br />
Everything that happens around us is only a reflection of our selves. The dramas that we create is there to learn us something about ourselves and to give us insight. <br />
There is no change without conflict. <br />
Learn to listen to your heart and follow the path of love, which means you should give positive thoughts bigger attention so that the negative (fear) slowly fades away. <br />
The true meaning of life is to find the treasure inside of you, free you from mental slavery, reconnect with the soul and evolve as the personality and human being you are.<br />
<br />
Start to booze your self with love every night before you go to bed.<br />
Look into the mirror and look straight into your eyes with no hesitation and say: "You are so beautiful! You are a wonderful person! A strong queen! I love you!"<br />
Do this in two weeks time and you will see how that affect you in a positive way. I guarantee you! <br />
It´s a very simple but effective way to start an edifying change inside of your self.<br />
<br />
Take care and good luck!<br />
With Love and Jah Guidance<br />
Pernilla

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Do you know I admire you so much for being such a diamond with these children, and looking after them, being a single mum. I do think you look after them very well from the sounds of it, but I wish there were someone to look after you with such devotion. You do have to look after yourself though in order to look after others, and that is where my concern lies for you. I know only too well the struggle to try and look after number 1, I try to provide myself with fuel, but then the guilt of eating kicks in and it gets out of hand.<br />
You sound like a beautiful woman both inside and out, and I'm sure you will have the unconditional love of those three children you are bringing up.<br />
I wish you the best of luck and who knows, love might be right under your nose. In my experience it happens when you least expect it....<br />
x x x x x x x

I know what it is like to have an unrealistic weight goal. I'm 17 years old, a little over 5'5", and weigh about 124. My goal that I tell my parents is 116. (115 is the "limit") I tell others my goal is 114, just to be daring. I tell myself that it should be 108 because 8 is my lucky number. But I know that it is anything less than 103, because that was as low as I got last year. I eat now, but I'm depressed because I know I can never safely reach my goal.

sounds dumb, but for starters get rid of scales.<br />
I don't have any. I don't even know how much I weigh.

I completely understand how you feel. I'm only 21, and for years I self-harmed. I stopped doing that around two years ago but it seems to have been replaced with a constant obsession over my weight. I only weigh 52kg and I'm a UK size 6 but I just look in the mirror and see a fat person. I'm constantly setting myself ridiculous targets like surviving off a bowl of cereal and soup for the day, then getting upset and demolishing a family sized bar of chocolate. Then I wake up the next day with a bloated stomach convinced that I'm fatter.<br />
I can't get out of this spiral, and I feel like it's ruining my life. I wish someone could just make me see me for who I am, not what I look like.

why not to be fat if you're born to be fat?<br />
there are guys that love fat girls. <br />
<br />
it's what in your eyes that makes you up, not what's your weight<br />
<br />
being fat and lively is better then being thin and... not living.<br />
<br />
i like one fat girl (fact that i don't love is because of me not her. i don't love anyone)<br />
<br />
i had an eating disorder based on anxiety and intellectual pressure, not on weight fear.<br />
but it became much easier when i went to army and stopped caring if i'm in a good shape.<br />
<br />
luck

I've been in "Recovery" for about 5 years now, and I have slip ups all the time weekly binges where I work out too much eat too little and I feel great but as soon as I look in the mirror I realize this isn't a life this is a trap and I read and swim and cook my favorite foods I have been to a pro site in ages and thats one thing you should stop, <br />
One trick I do is what is the lowest healthy weight than add to make it even and stay there. <br />
Find peace with who are and not what a scale says go do something new and not related to your body, and talk to you mom ( are mom should get together they might get a long) work that out too cause its tied to it<br />
good luck and be healthy

you need :<br />
<br />
1. set yourself free from misconception on food that have been stamped onto you by your parents or society. redefine the very nature of nurishment and the process from growing earth to nutriments diffusing in your body to make it shine (healthy and attractive)<br />
<br />
2. stop watching tv and step back from society for a while, until you can make your own critics about how society puts you under stress.<br />
<br />
3. teach yourself to open up completely to someone who will get this unconditionnal honesty back at you.<br />
<br />
less victimizing and more pride.<br />
good luck.

My friend had a eating disorder, but never told me. I felt bad that I had to hear it from someone else. I could have gotten her help. Maybe you should talk to a love one about, so you can get support. Your not fat. The media is really making it hard on women. As for your mother, I think you should confront her about your weight issue. I've had thearpy and sometimes you have to confront the people who have hurt you or treated you less than what you are. That's the only way this cycle can end. I hope this helps.

You have what I do not have.....the love of 3 wonderful children (mine have grown up) and they will never leave you or forget you.....they love you just as you are, now and forever...this love is superior to the love of a spouse....embrace it, welcome it and enjoy it......you are loved by 3 human beings-much more than many.....you are blessed.

I completely understand how you feel. I have struggled for years as well. I saw you r pictures. You are beautiful. Your heart must be huge to open it to 3 children. ( I am the adpotive mom of 1 and bio mom of 1)<br />
I am reminded of something my therapist told me many times when I was in treatment for ana and mia. She repeatedly told me, "The only thing fat on you is your eyes." I am truely over weight now and on a Dr. supervised weight loss plan, but I have learned I am not a good judge of my weight. I know I will never look in the mirrour and be content with what I see. I have to take the number on the scale and live with it in a medically healthy range. Even when I was in and eatting disorder hospital I didn't see myself as skinny. For me I have to force myself to live in what I know not what I see in the mirror.<br />
I wish you the best as you struggle with this demon. Please message me if you want to talk.

i'm with 'the siddler' on this one. you might be able to attain 110 lbs but who's to say that will make you happy when no other number on that scale has? perhaps it's time to make some promises to yourself? maybe throwing the scale in the trash is a good start. i am by no means Dr. Phil, however, perfection ... there is no such thing. not for you, not for me, not for those girls in the magazines that were airbrushed, not for the girl who you or i believe is *perfect* because she sees her own flaws and will readily admit to them to anyone who will listen. perfection is not in a number. perfection will not be reflected in a mirror. until you find peace within yourself about yourself, how can you make peace with anyone around you? therefore, how can you have a loving and open relationship with anyone? i wish i had the answer to eating disorders. i hurt for you only because i went through something of the same and battle it daily. it is difficult to say the very least but it is possible one day at a time.

You need to realize that no one is perfect and that your goal is unattainable. You're setting yourself up for failure by setting an unrealistic goal. It will take a lot of time but I believe you can change your view of yourself. You can realize that perfection is impossible, only possible through airbrushing in magazines. Don't compare yourself to women like that b/c they are unreal fabrications. You are a beautiful "real" woman and you should be proud of that.

most people DO associate eating disorders with teenagers...but when you go to the pro-ana sites online you can find older people and see how life-altering an eating disorder can truly be. I am still dealing with this almost 14 years later. I fear it will never end. As for finding love......I guess I just feel that for someone to love me I have to be perfect, and I strive everyday in what I choose to not eat. *sigh* What a vicious cycle!

I guess I'm a bit too young to give you any kind of advice, but just to spread some naiveness: Maybe you can't find love but have to let find love you ;) And I admire you for still finding the strength to raise 3 children. I want to adopt one myself when I'm older so I hope I'll be able to cope with everything as well as you do.

You are not alone. My name is Trisha Gura and I am author of “Lying in Weight: the Hidden Epidemic of Eating Disorders in Adult Women” (Harper Collins, May 2007). While the media continues to focus on eating disorders in teenagers, that focus has created a myth: when the girls get older, their eating disorders evaporate. The truth is that nearly 2/3 of individuals with eating disorders do not fully recover. The illness, or some remnant of it, remains, triggered by stresses and huge life transitions, i.e. marriage, pregnancy, parenting, mid and late life. Healing is a life long process that requires hard work, patience and persistence. Keep trying. We're behind you.<br />
<br />
Trisha Gura<br />
www.trishagura.com<br />
trisha@trishagura.com