Will It Ever End?
When I was 16 I went on a diet to lose a couple of pounds. I wasn't overweight, mind you, just wanted to do something right for my mom. She has always had a hard time showing me love, and nothing I ever did seemed good enough for her. I lost about 10 pounds and mom paid attention to me, took me shopping and told me how good I looked. I was so happy that something I did actually pleased her that I spiraled into a losing weight frenzy. I am not blaming my mother, she didn't make me eat or not eat, but the attention she showed me, finally, made me feel a little bit special. She took me clothes shopping, started showing me off to her friends, telling people about her beautiful daughter, etc...... I am now 29, about to have my 20-10th birthday and I still fight this eating disorder. I have gained and lost through the years and have still yet to be happy with what I look like on the outside. I know that I am a good person on the inside, but I cannot bring myself to eat a home-cooked meal with the kids. I am forever making them wonderful meals, but when I sit down with them I have a salad. I know it isn't good for them to see this behavior, but better they see me eat something than nothing. I am abou 128 pounds right now and 5'5". I had a goal weight of 125, but seeing that I am almost there and still not happy I have lowered the goal to 110. 111 would technically put me underweight, but 110 is a better-rounded number. I don't know why the numbers on the scale dictate my happiness/anger at myself. I don't know why I still fight this. I am not a crazy person, I guess I just feel that to be deserving of someone's love I need to be thin enough, pretty enough. With a failed marriage under my belt and now being a single mother of 3 children, whom I adopted, I am scared of never finding love again. I am scared that I'll never be "deserving" enough. So I eat very little and jog everyday, trying to make myself look good enough, but the mirror never lies, the mirror hates me. I cannot see what others see. I get compliments, sure...but I never know how to respond, as I don't feel anything but repulsion for my looks. Thanks for listening and letting me vent!