I Guess My Ed Is a Little Different Than Most Here

Here's whats going on with me it's not NOT eating it's the EATING to STUFF my FEELINGS . I kind of relate;  I do this because IT"S the ONE thing I sometimes feel I have control of. I control HOW much I put in my mouth, WHAT I put in my mouth. When I Binge (Not to the point of purging) But, I have gained alot of weight, I eat to numb myself;(kind of how people cut themselves to feel alive or in control .When I am extremely full I hate myself because I didn't STOP. Yet, satisfied because I feel nothing else. JUST CRAMMING my FEELINGS until I have NO more,It's also a way to keep people at a distance. The bigger I am the BIGGER the WALL!!!   If I am BIG nobody will want to be around me or get to know me and I can't get hurt right?  Is THERE anyone out there who understands me? I am killing myself in a different way,with high blood pressure, diabetes and a list of other things that have came with this eating disorder. I want to be normal again! Is there such thing as NORMAL?????? I am not this huge 300 lb person but I am getting close and I gotta STOP!!! I DON"T WANT TO DIE.............
tigeress1970 tigeress1970
36-40, F
2 Responses Jul 23, 2007

You'd be surprised how common compulsive overeating is, and it's as misunderstood as anorexia or bulimia. You are most definitely not alone. <br />
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My anorexia was much more about control than about actually losing weight, and the older I am, the more that's true. Hang in there; you're among friends.

*hug*<br />
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my girlfriend is a compulsive overeater too... having my own eating disorder and being terrified of gaining weight, i never really understood how she could possibly get anything out of it... but what you said, about putting up the walll... totally makes sense... so thank you for helping me understand the other end of the spectrum, which i thin kis something that people forget about a lot of the time...<br />
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you're not alone.