From Bulimia, to Anorexia, to Full Blown Bulimia

I am 16. It started when i was nearly 14. What strted out innocently enough, turned into a path of self destruction to hell and back. During my year as a 14 year old, I naiively engaged in bulimic behaviours roughly 3 times a week at the most. I wasn't binging, just eating my normal large sized meals..It was at this time when i started to lose weight. I thought it was great and decided to cut down my food. I cut out breakfast and lunch, insteaad binging when i arrived home from school due to intense hunger. I then proceeded with the painful task of purging in time for dinner, which then was also purged.

As the months slid by and kilos shed off, I grew a stronger will. I almost completely cut food out of my diet, preferring to drink a coffee for breakfast, 2 lettuce leaves fro lunch and an apple for dinner, whicch was purged.

I was tired, weak, couldnt focus, I was freezing-and found myself spending much of my lunch times in a classroom rugged up talking to my teacher, who now is my hero, this was due to lack of a social network. depression and the ED led me to isolate myslef from the rest of the world.

One day I woke up feeling like death. I felt so sick that i wanted to die. I managed to haul myself out of bed. I stood up and my vision faded to black a nd my head spun. I couldnt see anything. I grabbed some random clothes which happened to be a  school uniform and staggered towards the shower. My head steadied in the shower for a moment. As soon as i stepped out my vision faded again. Blindly, i fumbled for my clothes, dressed, not knowing or caring whther my clothes were even on right, I staggered to the couch and layed down. That was coming to be my fourth day of not eating. I knew the only way to take away the death feeling in my tomach was to eat. I got my brother to get me a bowl of cereal, physically i felt a little better so i got him to get me another. I was about 75%-physically. Mentally was an entirely different story. I had just 'binged' on two bowls of cereal! My life was over.

I arrived at school and told my teacher that i hadnt eaten in 3 days and that i pased out. He said we had to do something. Doctors appointments were made and my parents eventually found out when my mum caught me purging.

The binging progressed and i lost my ability to restrict entirely. binging became a daily, habitual thing. I woke up binge/purge, lunch was fine, i arrive home binge/purge, rather large dinner/purge and late at night binge/purge.

A doctor decided to pt me in hospital away 1 and a half hours from my family for 8 weeks. I was then transferred to a closer hospital for another 10 weeks. This hospital was different. I was allowed in the kitchen. I began abusing that privelledge, binging on toast, milo, milk and cereal. They had to make a new rule for me. i was so ashamed. This went on for the whole 10 weeks i was hospitalised there in secret. Superficiall, my doctor thought ti might be able to handle it a home and so here i am on a 2 week trial and nothing has changed. I still go through a box of cereal every 2 days. Doc said if i "cant manage a home, then i will put you back into hospital and it wont be the same" itll either be the one 1.5 hrs away or one 6hrs away. I've failed already. i know it.

i give up on life. If i get put back into hspital that means missing senior and being held back a year. My life is over so i may as well end it.


Well thats me. wow that was epic.

EaglesFan EaglesFan
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 16, 2009

I hope your still alive! being in an eating disorder hospital can be fun you meet people just like you and there are lots of people who under stand. You can make loads of friends there!