Love/hate Relationship

I purposely skipped a meal for the first time when I was twelve. It felt good knowing I could control something. My parents were divorced but still were (and are) bitterly battling each other, my sister was extremely wild (and still is), I was teased a lot in school and got in a lot of fights, my self esteem was nonexistant, and my few friends were very disappointing. I felt like I deserved to be deprived of something because I was such a lowly, horrible person. I began exercising every day. My mom forced me to see a counselor and threatened to put me in rehab. So I started eating again, somewhat. But I began purging as well. My self-eseem increased as I got older, but my need to hurt myself and control something and look good stayed. Sometimes I have bouts where I eat normal and am able to see myself as skinny, but I always come back to my old ways. Lately people have been telling me I'm too skinny. My pants fall down, some of my ribs are showing, my stomach doesn't stick out as much. But I have trouble stopping. I feel so messed up.

yisrael yisrael
18-21, F
Feb 25, 2009