Anorexia; Like a Drug.

i don't think i can really name the day i developed an eating disorder. it all started out when my boyfriend luke broke my heart because he cheated on me. i started obtaining feelings of not being good enough. before this all happened i had liked my self image. but suddenly i felt like everyone else was better than me. i started skipping meals daily, of course i got the questions of 'suzi..why aren't you eating?' and i would respond with 'eh..i don't feel good' or 'i ate before i came'. i started losing weight. i drank strictly water and worked out until i couldn't breathe. my parents started to notice a weight change and my mom took me to the doctors. the doctor told my mom that 'i was experiencing a rapid weight change and it doesn't look good'. i went to states of depression where the only time i would leave the house was to drag myself to school. i wore baggy clothes like big hoodies jeans too big for me. everybody started to notice..when i would walk in the hallways, people would stare and whisper. everytime i would look in the mirror i would be disgusted with myself. i would see a big fat girl staring back at me. my friends all tried to help, they told me to eat. little did they know, eating was my biggest enemy. one day at school, i started to have hot flashes. i blacked out for about a half a minute, and then suddenly i went unconscious. i was rushed to the hopsital where they told me i went into a hypoallergenic coma. i was in a coma for 3 days. people had come to visit me..even luke did. i had a feeding tube up my nose and weird liquids were being transferred through it. i felt extremely weak, all i wanted to was sleep. my parents and sister cried at the fact that i was dying. in my mind i told myself what i had done was wrong..but the anorexia was controlling me. it told me that this was the right thing to do, being skinny was all that mattered. i was transferred to an anorexia treatment center, where girls and boys suffering from the same disorder were being treated. i was put in an inpatient ward, where i spent 2 months of my life. they put me on a strict diet plan to eat foods little by little. my family visited everyday and it was extremely hard to see them so upset by what i had done to myself. my friends came and visited, even kids from school who i didn't know stopped by. the doctors told me if that i would become extremely depressed from the anorexia. which i did. i would breakdown out of nowhere and i was angry at everybody. at the world. i just wanted to die, i didn't want to suffer anymore. i wanted to be in heaven, in peace, with the world and with god. but i knew i had to fight the anorexia. even though it had taken over me and my life. i struggled for a good 2 months, and the doctors said i wouldn't go home until they saw a significant weight gain. i was at 79 pounds, and i had to gain 6 pounds or i wouldn't go home. on some days i would do what i was told and eat..other days i would refuse, or i would binge and purge. eventually i struggled to gain a good 2 pounds. they said i was on my way to going home. but then..i was so scared of gaining weight, i refused to eat for a week and a half. i drank water for 2 weeks straight and that was it. things started to go down hill again. i knew i was dying. inside, i was dying and eventually i would die. it's funny to think how a struggle for being pretty can turn into a death sentence. how can we strive for something that does not exist? i didn't learn this until a year later..but those days in the hospital were living hell. i told myself that i was going to die. and i was ready to die. my family cried more than i've ever seen them cry, and it made me cry too. we all cried together for days and they begged me to eat. they told me i was beautiful and that i had ruined my life. and i knew i did. eventually i got back on track and i was sent home. i had missed a lot of school work so when i finally went back to school i was overwhelmed with work. everyone was so nice to me at school, they told me i looked better and that they were there for me. it felt sort of good to know you had about 1,000 kids on your side. even the people who hated me seemed to feel bad. today i weigh 92 pounds and i am feeling better. i am on a strict diet and i am eating more as we speak. but this doesn't mean i have beaten anorexia. anorexia will always be with me, it will always be in my mind and i will never forget the pain i put myself and my family & friends through just to be perfect.

suzicanfeeble suzicanfeeble
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 26, 2009

Reading this almost made my eyes tear up. I am so happy that you have managed to get on the road to recovery and get better!

you ahve done so well and reading this has been such an inspiration, just a shame that you had to go through it.<br />
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Love x