ANA and Mia Go Hand In Hand...who Knew....

When i turned 21 before i transfered to the college iam at now i was depressed,a tad overweight ( imagine like 5'1 135) had a boyfriend of 3years that basically owned me and my life was just boring and now my own anymore. I decided to change and lose weight ( i actually had been told by a doctor to watch what i was eating lol) so i basically went on a nice little diet that turned ana pretty freaking quickly i went from 133 to 98 pounds in a littel over a month. Ate basically one of those frozen diet dinner things once a day before 5 pm and worked out like crazy.Now when i think of me i think i looked so good, even though people said i look "suken in" Anywqays 2 year of college i gained 10 pouinds back. It drove me insane and last summer for some reason i pulled becoming bulimic out of no where. I started with laxatives and i now i binge/puge up to 3 times daily. Its terrible my family figured it out on thee own and thinks im insane, i leave for school in 2 weeks which is like a blessing from gos, because i cant take living in theis house with my parents anymore. They know im sick but i refuse to get help home, becasue i  just feel to uncomfertable, at school i attempted to see a pyschologist and my boyfriend now says then he saw a improvment in me when they put me on zoloft, but when shcool ended last spring i stopped seeing that doctor( 2hrs away from my home town which never refilled my zoloft because i never made a check up visit) so nbow i feel worse then ever and terrified. Terrified that i wont get help again and stick with it. I freaking hate myself..Why am i so sared to get better? Im not thin anymore, im normal weight, and yeah deep down i wanna be back to 100 pounds or something, but if i was happy with the way i looked because meds or therapy helped me, then i wouldnt care how i looked...whats wrong with me??? i get so depressed and frustrated with myslef i barely went out this summer unless i was seeing my boyfriend...ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
marissa0816 marissa0816
22-25, F
4 Responses Aug 13, 2007

((((HUGS)))) <br />
I'm so sorry you feel like this.

I can never understand why a normal girl want to be so skinny. When I see a girl who is skin and bone, it's a total turn off. There is absolutely no beauty in a body like that. From a man's perspective, a well rounded female body is lot more sensual and beautiful. some young females have the wrong idea of what real man want as an ideal female body. <br />
It is a mental thing, nothing to do with beauty.

hey girl, no matter what, you probably should consider getting help, but if not i totally understand. I dealt with bulimia for six years and i am just now turning 19. You can call me if you ever want to talk to someone about here to my cell name is ashley. 513 379 8338

the desire to be thin is so overwhelming sometimes we forget the damage it does to our bodies, just for that one "fix" to be able to what we see as control an aspect of our lives. i know the feeling of bulimia, but not of anorexia. there is nothing fun about binge/purge cycles, and i find it ironic that some peple think we "enjoy" doing it for attention or whatever. i've never come out about my disorder except on here, but i just wanted to tell you that i know the feelings you are experiencing and you can always talk to me :)