Confused...

i just joined this group because i don't know if i have an eating disorder or not. i'm 18 and in my first year of college. i dont know if i'm qualified for help or not although i know i'll need it eventually. ever since i started to gets hips and curves i started dieting. nothing serious at first since i was still a pre-teen. but as i got into my first year of high school i felt less and less normal. i thought my legs were too skinny but my butt and stomach too fat. i started restricting my meals. i didn't feel pretty and wanted to look like the other girls who seemed happier. in my sophomore year i was the thinnest i've ever been. im 5'2" and i weighed about 95 lbs. but i still felt fat. i started other forms of self'mutilation around that time like cutting and stuff. that took over more than dieting. so i gained some of the weight back and then my coping mechanism became cutting. but the problem with cutting is that i go to the pool all the time in summer. so when summer wold approach each year i would stop cutting and start restricting my food again. i told myself it was to look good in a swim suit. but sometimes i think its just a substitute for the cutting when i cant cut. if that makes any sense. but for the past year its been harder to lose the weight i think. and im resorting to more and more restricting. i have huge thighs and a huge butt and stomach. i feel disproportional and ugly. but after restricting myself from eating i give in sometimes. then gain some back. i have to eat at least once a day because of a medication im taking will make me sick if i dont take it with food. but ive been eating less and less every day. and then yesterday i gave in and ate a ton of food but now i feel like im gonna get fat again if i dont restrict myself again. i want to feel pretty and i want to feel comfortable ith my body for once. as long as i can remember ive hated my body. i look at pictures from hen i was younger and wish i could be that skinny again. i know not eating is dangerous but i want to look thinner. my friends tell me i am skinny and shouldn't be dieting because i only weigh 110 lbs. but i feel fat at his weight. is it so wrong to want to lose weight? my goal by the time summer starts is hopefully 100 lbs. im just confused with myself because i know how dangerous this kind of thing can be and i'm aware of how it can take over my life (cutting sure did so i know how it feels) but i still want to be thinner.  i dont want this to take over my life completely but i dont see myself ever being comfortable with my weight/body until i am thin enough. i just dont know how thin that will be...anyways thats my thoughts right now.

 i wanna live

 i wanna die

i wanna laugh

i wanna cry

i wanna eat

i wanna starve

i wanna knife

so i can carve

myself up

kidsxcanxbexcruel kidsxcanxbexcruel
18-21, F
3 Responses Feb 18, 2010

thanks for the advice danix4. i'm trying to work myself up to letting someone know about all of this. as you know its hard. sharing my story on this site was my first step and i've gotten a lot of support from everyone here. im just afraid of what the people in my life will say and do ya know. but dont worry im trying my best to get through this. xoxo

I'm here to tell you that making a goal like that is what got me into the mess I'm in now. I weighed 130 at 5'2" and dropped to 111. I didn't understand that all the weight was pure muscle at the time and I never was over weight or fat. I made that first goal to be in the double digits and I'm struggling harder and harder every single day. And the cutting, is something you have to look at every day to remind you of your problems. I have scars all over my wrists that I have no explanation to because I'm embarrassed of them and regret doing it, there's other ways to let out you're anger, and I know its easier said than done but I know there's ways. and as much as you wouldn't want to, you should go talk to someone and let them know whats going on so that you can have a good time and be happy.

thank you for understanding so much. i know what you mean about not having anyone to confide in. its scary being all on my own. i hope everyone is well for you too.