I Still Struggle

i was an extreme excersie addict, anorexic, bullemic once down to 109 lbs. i couldn't wait to get to 102! at some point in my early 20s i just hovered around 117 - 125, and i still thought i was a huge thing.

after marriage, pregnancy, and rearing two girls, i find myself purging with laxatives, hating everything i put into my body, wishing i could just endure a liquid diet, getting colonics for weight reduction, have attended overeaters anonymous meetings and anorexics/bullemic anonymous meetings. nothing makes this feeling of this huge fat body i have go away, and i will be 42 this year. i am afraid to exercise regulary because i just do no want to become addicted again (the high from it all was incredible - i do remember). i hate what i still do to myself, but i honestly do not know how to stop and i do not want to look like mischa barton after rehab!!

now i am 155lbs and would do anything just to get back down to 130 or 135 again. i hate being/feeling this way. i just hate it but i do not know how to stop it, and yes: i have been in therapy for this issue (plus others) and yes, I have read a number of self-help books.

i think i might try hypnosis next, i hear it's all the rage in hollywood!

if you are in a similar situation, god knows i do  pray for you!

take good care~

mariemariemarie mariemariemarie
41-45, F
Feb 20, 2010