Male Inorgasmia

Hi,  My husband is unable to have an organism through intercourse, oral sex or hand manipulation with me.

He is able to organism if he masturbates himself.  I always thought things would get better, but they don't.  I have been unable to find any help on this topic.  He is very sensitive about talking about this.  I am not a prude, but it really bothers me when he masturbates himself after we have intercourse. I wish he could *** inside me or by the touch of my hand or mouth. This is my second marriage. I miss the feeling that I had when I gave my lover the ultimate pleasure. 


Mary701 Mary701
46-50, F
8 Responses Mar 15, 2008

Wow, RSS01's response is a lot to think about. For the record, I am a 36 yr old male and I cannot ****** with my wife. My wife was my first sex partner and from the beginning, I've had this problem. Initially, the problem was mild. I could jump over the threshold after a long long time. Later I would get exhausted and just give up or use my hand. My wife (or gf at that time) was obese and I did not link the problem to her obesity. However as yrs progressed, my problem got worse and I even failed to get an erection. During this time, I got into the habit of watching ****. Fast forward 3 yrs to present and I am a full fledged **** addict. I can ********** 3 times in a span of an hr watching ****. I still find other real women a turn on. My wife is the exception - because to be candid, I have been with her for many yrs and second and most important, she is obese. To make matter worse, because I am used to getting the perfect grip with my hand, I find the woman's body less exciting. <br />
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So coming to you, here is what I would suggest - <br />
1. There is a strong possibility that your husband is addicted to ****. Getting him to admit is the first step. He will not break out of that habit/addiction overnight. If he is addicted to it, he knows it and feels guitly. Take the guilt away and watch **** together.<br />
2. Second, ask him about his sexual fantasies. I am sure if he is surfing **** he is really into fetishes/kinks. Be open about it, dont ridicule or be shocked by any of his kink. Sex and by extension ****** - is not in one's penis, but in the head. <br />
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Good luck and let me know how it goes.

I usually don't post on chat boards about anything, but I'll take a stab at this one. There is no solution advice offered here, but I'll be happy to relate my experience, since this is me exactly. <br />
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I'm a 39 year old straight male who has been 20 years sexually active. I stopped counting how many sexual partners I've had in total a long time ago, but the number is surely over 100, whether it's intercourse, oral or other (hands, etc). I started ************ when I was about 12 or 13 and compulsively did it several times a day until I lost my virginity at 19. During those years, I had a turbulent relationship with my dad; although I was never physically abused, we were psychologically at odds for a very, very long time. In addition, I had around 12 years of piano lessons, from the age of 3 until I was about 15 years old. This is, I believe, fundamental in my understanding of the condition because I learned to condition my hands and do strengthening exercises which were idiosyncratic to being a pianist, all at the same time I self-discovered how to ********** and touch myself. In general, this time period before I lost my virginity represents a period of moderate psychological distress and idiosyncratic masturbatory practices. I've read about Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome (TMS), although I don't believe it particularly applies to me, there must certainly be a consequence from the physical manner in which I would ********** in tandem with idiosyncratic emotional experiences associated and ingrained into me with each masturbatory experience. <br />
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From the very first experience of intercourse with a woman at 19 years old (after six years of probable compulsive and idiosyncratic ************), it has never been unpleasurable (being inside a woman), but I've NEVER had the urge to have an ****** from intercourse. In addition, when I have psychologically tried to make myself achieve ****** during intercourse, no matter how hard I've tried, it feels like a wall that I just can't "jump over." That remains the fact to this very day, and it's extremely disappointing and equally maddening for me when, with every new sexual experience, the end result is the same. From the time I was 19 until I was about 28, I had been with the majority of partners by that time in a number of different situations (all without any drug use and only social use of alcohol) all without the urge to want to have an ****** from intercourse and also the inability to have an ****** from a partner's hand or mouth. <br />
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The last long-term relationship I had lasted for 7 years, on and off, from the time I was about 29 until 37 years old, in which time I never had an ****** from intercourse. Understandably, my partner felt inadequate past a certain amount of time (maybe the first year or so; up until then, she actually thought it was an attribute of sorts). A few years into the relationship, we sought professional help for the situation, but it became apparent when, in group therapy sessions I was lumped in with borderline pedophiles, older men with compulsive sexual addition tendencies and a couple of other generic cases, the treatment was going nowhere fast. <br />
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Unfortunately, during this last long-term relationship, around two years in, we experimented with the drug "ecstasy", which, because of the seratonin surge that is created from the use of it and the feelings of arousal it causes, I thought that it might lead to a solution for my inorgasmia. Subsequently, I've had a problem with cocaine use as well, as it creates a similar physiological reaction that allows one's inhibitions to lower to a point where sexual misadventure can be approached much easier. Let's just say that, after about 7 years of this behavior, that path has not worked and clearly DOES NOT work. Within the time fr<x>ame of that relationship, we also tried participating in a swinger's club and, a couple of times, random **********, all to no avail. All that detour into self-diagnosis has now left me, at 39 years old, not just with a condition of inorgasmia, but a partial addiction to cocaine (with alcohol being the "gateway" drug, as I've never just used coke without a couple of drinks first). Steer clear of that path, for certain!<br />
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In addition, and only under the influence of cocaine use, I even experimented bisexually. This was more due to the result of the "anything goes" psychological environment created by the use of coke or ecstasy and the need to want to resolve the condition of inorgasmia. Although I never was interested in having anal intercourse with any male partners, I did give and receive oral sex as well as mutual ************. To answer the question to anyone who believes that inorgasmia in males may be a result of supposed self-denial of one's homosexuality, all I have to say is that the condition of inorgasmia was still present, regardless of the switch in orientation. Not only do I find men unattractive when I am simply sober (it was definitely only a handful of times mostly in the interest of seeing how it would relate to my condition) or have had just a few alcoholic drinks (remember, this was a coke or ecstasy induced exploration only), it only strengthened my resolve that my interest sexually is just with women. Like the Kinsey scale suggests, most people's sexual orientation on a scale of 1 to 7 falls somewhere between a 2 and a 6. <br />
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As far as the long-term relationship was concerned, after 7 years of my inability to ******, the problem had become more "her problem" than mine (for which I don't forgive her; after all, I was comfortable enough with it to still engage in otherwise healthy sex with her) and contributed to the eventual failure of that relationship. The only bright spot was, toward the last year or so of the relationship, I had relaxed enough with her to the point that I had SOME ability to achieve ****** relatively consistently from her performing oral sex on me. But, unfortunately, she had fallen into the pattern of blaming me often enough ("...because YOU won't have an ****** with me!" was her popular refrain, as if I could control it) that even this bright spot fell by the wayside in the scheme of things, and we never sought any other professional help. In addition, for sake of transparency, NEVER ONCE did I outright accuse nor even slightly imply to her over the years that it had ANYTHING to do with her performance as a lover. Nor have I ever felt that it was really any of my partners' faults; just simply a condition that I learned to accept about myself to be able to function sexually with women. <br />
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Anyways, through all of my misadventures into the club and bar scene for the last year and half now as well as the different partners I've had since I was 19, the one fact remains; I suffer from inorgasmia, "retarded ***********", "delayed ***********" or whatever you want to call it. Now, after misadventures with drugs that I thought would lower my inhibitions and maybe allow me to achieve ****** through intercourse in that manner, I have a dual problem to solve; both substance abuse (to a point) issues and inorgasmia. <br />
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Finally, for clarity, I still ********** once on average every day and a half or so, generally while looking at ****, and have no problem achieving ******, sometimes very quickly. I'm sure the augmentation of pornographic material during ************ has it's place in this discussion, but this is obviously where I need a qualified therapist to contextualize everything for me. Besides, ****** from ************ with or without pictures or video to look at has never been a problem.<br />
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In all of my travels and experiences depicted here, I have NEVER met ANYONE who suffers from the same problem. Even a year ago, when I last scoured the internet for information relating to this problem, I didn't have much luck. It would be really great to even just talk to another guy who has had this problem for a similar time period and maybe even find someone who solved the mystery of it all, in the hopes that I, too, might work past it as well. <br />
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I've come to the realization that this is both a physiological as well as psychological problem. Unfortunately, without proper counseling and treatment, I have no idea to what degree that equation is weighted. It really feels like I'm the only person in the world who has this problem and that's a lonely place. To say that it feels like a curse that has been unfairly imposed on me for no apparent reason is an understatement. I'd bet that if there's any other guys out there that have suffered the same condition, they'll tell you that that is exactly how it feels emotionally at times. <br />
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If anyone knows of a therapist who specializes in this condition primarily (with a nod to weekend-warrior substance abuse issues) and, especially, if they are available for counseling in the South Florida area, PLEASE let me know by posting here. In addition, ladies, if you are with a guy who suffers from this, please realize that if we had the ability to solve this ourselves, we would. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about this and would love to figure it out once and for all

well this is my first time on this and any other board. I made an account just because I saw this and I was worrying a bit. I am a 17 year old guy and I fear I may be suffering from the same thing. With my first girlfriend when I was 15-16 (age of consent is relatively young in Scotland), we experimented multiple times with things like her hands and oral sex but nothing seemed to work. At first I thought it was because she just didn't know what to do, but that didn't explain why I felt absolutely nothing with her. I would go weeks without ************ before I see her to make it easier for her but still nothing. That relationship ended after a year because she was just so pissed off with me not getting to that point. I layer found out that it definitely wasn't her fault as around the same time she was cheating on me with my best friend and managing to get him to that stage. I'm now 17 and in a new relationship. We had what was basically our equivalent for a prom, got a hotel
Room and spent the night together and we had sex. But I still didn't ***. I could feel it but I wasn't feeling anything amazing and never got close to ******. It sounds like I'm not the Only one with this problem, but reading through these I'm kinda freaking out, it sounds like I will need get to that stage with a partner, which as a 17 year old guy sounds like hell right now haha. Not to mention That a lot of people end up breaking up with their partner because of this. If anyone could help me out Or knows any way to fix this I would be Absolutely indebted to you.

You know I hope your husbands penis is not putting any "organisms" in you..also hes just nervous don't hold it against you. Keep in mind At least you are still getting pleasure.!

I'm having the same problem.My boyfriend told me long before we ever started having sex that he has never had an ****** from a woman, but the first time i gave him oral sex he did. Now i can't at all.It makes me feel realy inadequate but his is a mental block of sorts. Always grew up thinking sex was a sin and bad and so he mastrubated quitely by himself.I'm trying hard to not lose interest but its been almost 2 mths now and im getting really discouraged.I love him so i will keep trying as hard as i can.any tips please pass them along.

You and your husband might find this article worth checking out ...<br />
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I have an inorgasmic boyfriend, and I'm hoping he'll be receptive to trying some of the suggestions in this paper. He's beginning to think he can't have an ****** with me because he doesn't really love me ... even though he's only once in his life had an ****** with anyone, and he says he knows he didn't love her. I don't plan on leaving him over it, but it might cause too much resentment for us both, and that will likely end things itself.

He could go for counseling. I actually saw a thing that was a rubber female vagina type thing to teach him how to ****** inside a woman.

There isn't really much he can do about it, is there?<br />
Anyone an idea?

I hate to say this, but it won't get better. Mine stopped having ******* about four years ago, and now doesn't even have them alone. He is so good and kind in every other area, and he "takes care of" my needs, but I still am starting to hate and resent him.