Both Parties Interested But Trying To Figure This Out.....

So I'm out to dinner with my wife two weeks ago and after a few cocktails she throws out "I've been thinking we should sleep with other people". While we have jokingly talked about it over the years (married 13 years with kids, happily with mostly great sex which has gotten better the last 2 years), mostly due to some friends of ours who have been experimenting in their marriages, I never thought she would actually want to do this. The idea of my wife with another man simultaneously turns me on and freaks me out - I suppose that is part of the thrill for some - and I've basically been trying to wrap my head around this the past few weeks.

Since I am a thinker/planner I of course have been looking around on line and found this site which has some great insight. I really like the idea of establishing "rules" which are subject to negotiation and agreement. I think that defines the experience for both people, particularly if one person has completely different expectations, and hopefully sets some reasonable boundaries. I do however seem to be looking at this experience differently than many of the people here on EU and wanted to share my thoughts, hopefully get some feedback from others who are either at my stage or have taken the plunge.

First, and selfishly, I don't want to do this unless "there is something in it for me" and when I say that I don't mean sex with another woman, I mean even hotter, steamier sex with my wife with greater intimacy. One of the things I am struggling with is the other man gets "the best of my wife on vacation" (looking her absolute hottest, in a great mood, completely horny, etc.) without any of the daily doldrums and bad parts I deal with as her husband. She won't be yelling at the kids or PMSing on her date night. This doesn't seem fair to me, I want her to bring that attitude home with her as part of this deal and use it to make our marriage better, I certainly promise to do the same. If this thing threatens our relationship or drives us apart in any way then its not for me.

Next is who and how often. I have read about some people on here saying we each get one night a week to go out, wow. I was thinking this was a once or twice a year deal, just something to have fun with occasionally to spice things up, not create outside relationships or suddenly become promiscuous. Am I alone there? Call me old fashioned but as a disease free middle aged man who is in the best shape of his life, I don't want to sleep with just anybody. I'm looking for an interesting person who is hopefully FANTASTIC in bed, otherwise what am I doing this for? With regard to who, my wife and I aren't swingers and so the thought of someone we know (or get to know first) and can trust seems more appealing. While somewhat arousing for me, the idea of picking up a stranger at a bar seems pretty dangerous for my wife. We both have reputations and confidences to protect as well. My wife has an acquaintance in mind and while at first that kind of bothered me, I am now thinking that is the more secure route. We have even thought (after one of us finds a willing paramour), it might be interesting for the three of us to meet for dinner to discuss it so everybody knows they have the other's buy in. If nothing else, that certainly would be one interesting night out!

That brings me to my last point/issue, whether this can be an open/shared experience or a private/selfish one. I think open marriage can mean a series of secretive, private affairs primarily aimed at self indulgence for some (I totally get it, I am a guy and was once single in my 20's) OR it can be a shared experience with full disclosure that hopefully strengthens the marriage and/or enlivens sex with your partner in some crazy, erotic way. Maybe I am kidding myself but I am hoping for the latter with my wife. As an extreme example, is it crazy to think that the four of us (my wife and I plus each of our lovers) could go out for a great dinner and drinks, ending the night with sex from another person instead of each other? That we could share this experience and put it honestly out in the open, watching my partner have fun enjoying the build up without any judgements or hang ups? I realize that could be naive but it also sounds pretty cool at the same time, a new and different perspective for enjoying my wife's company. I've said a lot here, sorry for rambling, would love to hear some of your feedback on all or any of this. Thanks!
CasinoRoyale95 CasinoRoyale95
46-50, M
1 Response Jan 15, 2013

If I read you correctly, this appears to be a fairly new concept in your lives (in reality). Then I think you're on the right track in taking things slowly. Your ideas are valid and, I believe, realistic. You and your wife might want to agree on what "open marriage" or "swinging" looks like to you as a couple. Making a set of rules (and understanding that they are subject to change if BOTH parties agree) is the most sensible way of handling this situation, IMO. None of your ideas are bizarre or unheard of in this lifestyle. Couples swinging together is quite common. But, I will say that communication with your partner is the key.

I think it's great that you view this as an enhancement to your marriage. That, to me, is what it's all about! Some people go into this as a means of holding together a failing marriage or a way of keeping their partner's interest. New flash: that's not going to work! In fact, it's a recipe for disaster. Your idea is much better! And I don't think you sound naive.

Good luck and keep us posted.