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A Surprising Path to Open Marriage

I am writing because I need to share what's happening in my marriage, and can't talk about it with friends.

I've had a good, strong, healthy marriage for over 20 years. My wife is the canonical devoted mother and spouse. She is very involved our children and volunteers for underprivileged kids. Incidentally, she is also beautiful, fit, well-proportioned, fun to be with, and looks a good deal younger than her real age. For most of our quarter century as a couple, she never wanted to cross the boundaries of conventional marital sex. Our sex life has ebbed and flowed, but has been generally been pretty good. As in many marriages, I was always more interested in sex than her.

For years, to help her think outside her unimaginative, constrained box, I encouraged her to open her mind and fantasize about sex with others. I even coaxed her into an experimental lesbian weekend with a friend a few years ago. Understandably, many people can’t understand a husband being OK with his wife fantasizing (or more) about other lovers. I won’t defend here my reasoning, but will merely say that I’ve matured to a more open worldview. With all that, we still had a conventional monogamous marriage.

Over the past couple years, she started feeling claustrophobic about being stuck in our house, a 24/7 mom and wife, always doing for others and never doing for her. She felt life passing her by, feared getting old, and yearned to taste some of the fun she’d sacrificed all these years. It’s called a mid-life crisis.

So about 9 months ago she started going out to bars with a girlfriend. We live near a university, and the places they go are frequented by current and former college athletes. It was all innocent; drinking, dancing, flirting, but nothing more. She enjoyed escaping for a few hours, temporarily relieved of the burden of monotonous responsibilities. The attention lavished by young, good looking guys was flattering. I was glad for her to have some fun, an outlet for her frustrations, and a self-esteem boost.

Fast forward 6 months. Huge shock: I found incriminating messages in her cell phone. She’d slept with one man, and was pursuing others.

The most upsetting part was not her affairs. Heck, I’d told her she was free to venture outside our bedroom, so it wouldn’t be fair to renege. However, I was deeply wounded by her deception, and was angry that she’d lied to me for months. I couldn’t believe how skilled she’d become at lying about her alternate life. I was frightened for what it meant for the future of our marriage. Many hours of arguments and torment ensued. What she did really hurt.

But I must admit it was also a big turn on. Her awakened sexuality and her escapades with other men were for me very arousing, and she got excited telling me about them. So as we were fighting and talking about her outside activities and the feelings that motivated them, we also had a bunch of fantastic sex, better and different than ever before.

Over the next couple weeks, our many conversations were intense, with emotions running the gamut. Eventually we were brought closer together by having all the truth come out and working through everything. People change over the decades, and I learned to appreciate new things – by no means all sexual – about my wife. We came to understand each other more deeply, and for that I am very thankful.

Finally, I granted her what she wanted (though she’d never uttered the words) – an open marriage. Everyone has their own notion of what that loaded term means, so for clarity, our definition is that dating and sex with others are allowed, but we remain 100% committed to our marriage and family. This golden rule has several corollaries. Our spouse’s and family’s needs always come first, we much be completely honest with each other about what we do and with whom, we won’t cross boundaries without prior spousal consent, we will be discreet so as to avoid these adventures negatively impacting our “normal” life, and we won’t engage in behavior that risks health, safety or well-being. There are numerous subtleties to negotiate in this protocol (for example, is she to tell me before every encounter, or may she inform me afterwards?), but these basic rules seem to work. She says the arrangement is two-way, but at least for now she’s the only one sleeping with others.

So now things are mostly resolved. She’s since been with a few different men. She tells me where she’s going and who she’ll be with, and tells me afterward what happened. It’s unconventional, but honest, and no one is cheating (that is, she isn’t breaking the agreed rules of our marriage). We’re both pretty happy with the arrangement, though I, and to a lesser extent she, have struggled with handling it. It certainly beats the suppression of natural human desire and the surreptitious destructive affairs that plague too many marriages. She gets the adventure and variety she craves, and our marriage and sex lives get stronger. It works for us. We’re more deeply in love than ever.

Our sex life has never been more active or intense. Earlier tonight, this formerly straight-laced and sexually naïve girl sent me to the drug store to buy lube, then had me do her in the a**, and not gently. (Not long ago, anal sex would have been out of the question, but now she’s pleading for and loving it. Why? Because one of her lovers asked, and she desires to give him what he wants, but wants to learn to enjoy it with me first.) Soon after, we made love again, in a more conventional but very intense way. It was perhaps our best night of sex ever.

An hour later, as I slept, she slipped out of bed to contact one of her lovers, a young former pro athlete. She begged for, and I granted, permission to go to him at 1 am. As I write, she’s in his bed. A short while ago, she sent a message saying they had just “f**ked” (this from a woman who in the recent past wouldn’t have used such a word), and that she was going back to his bedroom to go down on him. After she’s done with him, she’ll come home and tell me everything I care to know while we make love yet again.

On the one hand, it’s awfully sexy. On the other, it’s a bit nerve wracking and scary. What’s so surprising is how driven she is for the conquest, how much she appears to need it. She offered to stop if I asked, but she seems compelled. It was striking how this once-demure woman responded the first time I spoke the words “open marriage”. Without a split second of hesitation, she looked intensely into my eyes and said “yes, I do”.

For the most part I am OK with her/our new lifestyle. I had a couple flings many years ago, so understand how one can love their spouse but still want someone new and different. I want her to fulfill her needs, to live her life to the fullest in every aspect, to let her wild side run free, to experience the things she missed when she was a younger, dutiful wife. She’s enriched, we’re closer, and our sex life together has never been better. She is fully committed to our marriage and loves me deeply.

But sometimes this new reality of our life has me shaking. Even though I encouraged her desires, and have with love given blessing for what she’s doing, I am sometimes scared. Maybe it’s because she’s not sleeping with just any old guys, but rather young, handsome, athletic studs. For heaven’s sake, a couple weeks ago she had a night of raw sex with a gorgeous starting player from a top ten NCAA Division I sports team. He’s less than half her age. That’s hot but intimidating!

This lifestyle and the emotions associated with it are complicated, to be sure. Its benefits, risks and trade-offs are plain to see. Before judging us, ponder the less obvious but equally true reality that precisely the same can be said of traditional monogamous marriage. For us, for now, we think the best path is open.

It’s good to get this off my chest. I would be happy to hear anyone’s thoughts or answer questions about what we’ve learned through this process. Thanks for listening.

asdpoi asdpoi 46-50 32 Responses Nov 12, 2008

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My husband and I have been exploring an open marriage for the last year (after trying swinging for a few years)....How often do you see your girlfriend or your wife see her boyfriend? I see my lover approximately once a month for sex and we text occasionally but no dates (meaning dinner or movies) he seems hesitant (he is single). At this time my husband is actively pursuing a married woman friend of ours......I asked him if her and her husband have an arrangement too and if not how does he feel if her husband doesn't know..........I tried to explain to him I didn't think it was a good idea to push it, saying it wouldn't be good to do that to their marriage. Seems like for us, we are having issues finding people who are comfortable with being the lover or even being availabe to be.....How do you find the right open-minded people to deal with the fact that you are married but free to date and pursue a sexual relationship with someone else? Also how do you keep your spouse primary while having a significant other?

My wife and I have an open marriage as well. In our situation she sees other men and I have no interest in other women. My wife knows that too many men do not get the sex they desire, and many men do not have the looks or the personality to attract women. Therefore she enjoys pleasing and being pleased by other men who may not get sex in any other way from anyone else. <br />
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My wife will not have sex with other men unless I am there to watch. Her having sex with others pleases us both. She gets the thrill of having sex with others and pleasing and being pleased by others and I get the thrill of watching them. This works for us.<br />
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My wife will not be with married men unless their wives know. She and I agree that cheating is wrong. The men she has sex with, that we do not know or have met in public places, and we do not know if they are married or not, we can not concern ourselves with their other relationships. <br />
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To us honesty and openness is paramount. She sees others quite regularly and I get to watch her have a lot of sex. Since I am not interested in other women, I am glad that other men are interested in my wife. We have found that having an open marriage has helped us to love each other more by allowing each other to be ourselves

My wife and I have an open marriage as well. In our situation she sees other men and I have no interest in other women. My wife knows that too many men do not get the sex they desire, and many men do not have the looks or the personality to attract women. Therefore she enjoys pleasing and being pleased by other men who may not get sex in any other way from anyone else. <br />
<br />
My wife will not have sex with other men unless I am there to watch. Her having sex with others pleases us both. She gets the thrill of having sex with others and pleasing and being pleased by others and I get the thrill of watching them. This works for us.<br />
<br />
My wife will not be with married men unless their wives know. She and I agree that cheating is wrong. The men she has sex with, that we do not know or have met in public places, and we do not know if they are married or not, we can not concern ourselves with their other relationships. <br />
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To us honesty and openness is paramount. She sees others quite regularly and I get to watch her have a lot of sex. Since I am not interested in other women, I am glad that other men are interested in my wife. We have found that having an open marriage has helped us to love each other more by allowing each other to be ourselves

lsntheatre06, IMHO your situation sounds extremely dysfunctional. An open marriage should be beneficial to *both* spouses. If you're only going along with it because she gave you an ultimatum, then you're not benefiting from it. And furthermore, she's being horribly insensitive to you and your marriage.<br />
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This would be a deal-breaker for me. I'd suggest marriage counseling.

The site never emailed me about any followups, and I just now got around to checking this thread again. Glad to hear it has worked out so well!<br />
<br />
As for us, wifey has been out on a few meet-and-greets and even a second date or two. One got a little more physical than she was comfortable with (upon reflection), but that was mostly a case of the guy not being particularly smooth than anything else. <br />
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Interestingly, the only problem we've found is that wifey doesn't much like the effort it takes to new people. She's very picky, and it's rather a lot of work meeting people online (we had the most luck on OKCupid) that she connects with both before and after an in-person meet.<br />
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We've has ZERO relationship issues as a result of her (attempted) adventures. None. Quite the opposite, really. If you can talk to your wife about making out with the guy she went on a date with last night, you can pretty much talk about anything ;)<br />
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I'm optimistic that if we can create more free time somehow, then meeting people won't stress her out so much and we'll be off to the races.

I've only read a few comments on here but it has helped. I am a middle 20's husband to a very attractive woman, we have two kids.. Recently back in April I found text messages that hinted towards my wife having an affair or at least thinking and fantasing about it. After a month of arguing I agreed to an open marriage. It is a two way open marriage however, she is the only one seeing another partner. She has been my only partner sexually ever. She is significantly happier having another man in her life, but I am scared to lose her. She says she's commited to our marriage and family and that I come first. I believe her but I am afraid it will not last. He is 20 years her elder and very well endowed. He can get her off 8 times in an encounter, I sometimes can't even once. I am ok with her seeing him, but I am scared that I will become useless to her.......any advise?

zsu234, thanks for asking. Yes, we're still together, stronger than ever.<br />
<br />
It hasn't always been easy. Our marriage was severely challenged in many ways, but frankly that was part of the point. And we have both risen to the challenge.<br />
<br />
We could be living the standard, simple, safe, easy, boring life of marriage after >20 years, taking each other for granted and minimizing our expectations out of life. Instead, we decided - together - to explore a way that is supremely exciting yet would kill most marriages. Surviving, thriving, in the face of such trials has made for a much stronger, deeper, sweeter marriage on many fronts.<br />
<br />
We are closer, we understand each other and ourselves much more deeply, we are more attentive to each other, we are kinder to each other, we are much better at handling conflicts, we spend more time together, we are happier, we are more excited to be alive, we are more deeply in love with each other than ever.<br />
<br />
We have also gotten to know, in really interesting and meaningful ways, some lovers who are very good friends. Together with other people, we have expanded a lot of minds (including some who never ever would have thought they'd do what they've done with us) and that has been a wonderful outcome.<br />
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Oh by the way, the sexual benefits have been spectacular, in all ways. Off the charts. My wife and I have an amazing sex life, just the two of us. Added to that, we have, individually and together, had some absolutely fantastic experiences. Things we never dreamed of have happened, and it's been awe inspring.<br />
<br />
I mention this last because although libido seems to be what starts most people down the open marriage path, it is all the other benefits that are perhaps the real value of opening up.<br />
<br />
And we're not done yet!

How's it going 1.5 yrs into this lifestyle? Very curious if you two are still together after your wife got a taste of her spouse getting some on the side too.

Groovy9, thanks for the comment and questions. Sorry but I haven't checked this site for a couple months so am so slow in responding.<br />
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A fascinating and positive aspect of our open marriage experience is that we are considerably more attentive to each other. Yes, when you know the spouse has alternatives (which are in both our cases, very good looking and sexually exciting) then you work harder for the spouse. As in all sports, competition in the bedroom makes for better results!<br />
<br />
This is a significant benefit of open marriage.<br />
<br />
Hope you and your wife are able to find goodness in opening up. Would love to hear from you.

I just stumbled across this thread - pretty fascinating. I've actually JUST broached the topic with my wife. It would be a similar situation, at least initially, where she'd be the only one stepping out - I'm also one of those weirdos who gets off on the idea of his wife with other guys, and also don't have a particular desire to step out myself.<br />
<br />
One of my motivations is that her seeing someone else would create sort of a sense of competition, where I'd feel more compelled to get my *** in gear, so to speak. It's easy to get complacent, especially when your spouse is unquestionably devoted to you, as mine is. We're quite happy, in the bedroom and out, but work and kids and life stresses take their normal toll, and it's too easy to come home and turn on the TV, rather than work out or go buy flowers.<br />
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What's your experience with that aspect? Do you find yourself working harder when she has a love interest? And do you find her "responding" to your work?

123lakers, thanks for your questions.<br />
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Yes. the same rules apply to me as to my wife.<br />
My wife has been preetty good about my girlfriend. There has been some unexpected jealousy, but we are past that now.<br />
Yes, my wife, and my girlfriend, have wanted foursomes. Haven't done that but there have been a couple of **********.<br />
<br />
Keep the questions coming, if interested.

By the way, several people (getitup, Bansheefun, and Maloufokker) have suggested that I make the open marriage symmetrical, that I take an outside lover.<br />
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As I mentioned before in a comment, I just wasn't that interested in doing that, for a variety of reasons.<br />
<br />
Well, there is recent news on that front. I do have a girlfriend now.<br />
<br />
Happy to share a bit about that if people are interested.

Maloufokker, thank you so much for an insightful comment.<br />
<br />
"Partners in a relationship WILL sometimes do the opposite of what we want". Truer words have never been written. Who among us hasn't gone against the explicit wishes of our partners?<br />
<br />
You ask whether her ability to have lovers outside our marriage is a Right or a Privilege. Interesting question. I don't see it in those terms.<br />
<br />
No person can control another. Each makes their own decisions. As much as we might want to be controlling, to grant Privileges, the truth is, we all have the Right to do what we want. In exercising those Rights, we might be incredibly stupid and do things we shouldn't, but that's our Right.<br />
<br />
Did she have a Right to violate the rules of our open marriage? Yes. In response, do I have the Right to leave her, to put my foot down and say "if you do it again, we're done", or to (as you suggested) withdraw my permission? Yes, I do.<br />
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In this case, I chose not to try to control her, as I might have in years gone by. Part of the open marriage concept is to not try to control your spouse, to not treat them as property.<br />
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I told her how much she'd hurt me. And I told her that if she wished not to abide by the rules of our marriage, she could ask me to renegotiate them, but as far as I'm concerned, if she violates the rules, we have no marriage. I also let her know that I was not ok with her seeing others while we were debating this topic, so in a sense I did withdraw the Privilege.<br />
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We talked a lot. She thought about it. She agreed she was wrong, did not ask for a renegotiated set of rules, and complied with my temporary request not to see others.<br />
<br />
I decided to forgive her one time transgression. If her breaking the rules becomes a pattern, then I'll have to re-evaluate my position, but I don't think it'll come to that.<br />
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Every marriage, of all forms, has bumps in the road. I think we're over this one.<br />
<br />
Despite the unique challenges of an open marriage, I have no regrets. The benefits have so far outweighed the downsides.<br />
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Thank you again Maloufokker. You obviously put thought into your comment, and I appreciate the discussion.

Hi asdpoi.<br />
<br />
Quoting you:<br />
"1) We love each other deeply, and want to stay married and devoted to each other forever. That means our spouse comes first, always. Among other things, that means that we won't do things that our spouse isn't ok with. It also means that each of us bends over backwards to say yes to the other.<br />
<br />
2) We...grant to each other the privilege of pursuing extramarital affairs.<br />
<br />
4) Honesty. We tell each other everything. No secrets...<br />
<br />
It seems to me that your initial arrangement needs some introspective review.<br />
<br />
"However, we recently did have an argument because she went to one of her lovers when I didn't want her to. She did it to defy me, to get back at me. That was quite hurtful, and was the first time she violated the rules we'd agreed to."<br />
<br />
Partners in a relationship WILL sometimes do the opposite of what we want in spite. <br />
One must then ask the question "Has a Privilege somehow changed into a Right - and How?"<br />
<br />
A Privilege can be withdrawn at the discretion of the person who granted it.<br />
A Right cannot be withdrawn.<br />
<br />
It seems to me that in order to determine the distinction in your marriage's case, <br />
that the privilege SHOULD be withdrawn for a test period. <br />
"... our spouse comes first, always." you said.<br />
<br />
If your wife will not agree to the withdrawal of the privilege, then she is no longer committed to the marriage. The 'hotwife" has become the soon-to-be-ex-wife. <br />
Then you have both created the monster.<br />
<br />
Perhaps too you then need to reverse the privilege so that the goose tastes what the gander tasted. You need not have actual sexual relations - just simple dating will fairly adjudicate the arrangement - but it would give you new perspective.<br />
<br />
You two do need to talk this through....

rkenny -- thank you for reaching out, for your positive words, and for sharing something of your experiences. I'd love to hear more.<br />
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Yes, aren't the double standards in our society rich? For example, all the howling about Tiger Woods. I'm not defending the guy, but the holier than though hypocracy it ridiculous. Most of the married people blabbering about how horrible he is have had affairs themselves. They just haven't been caught.<br />
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Because of societal issues, we are very very private about our marriage arrangement. Our closest friends don't know for this reason.

james6160 - sorry for not responding sooner. I don't get on this website to check things often enough. Will try to do better.<br />
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As long as she's into me, I am ok with her being into others. The jealousy happens when I perceive (often incorrectly) that she's more into other guys than me.<br />
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It's been about a year or so since we agreed to the open marriage.<br />
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We try to deal with emotions by being honest about them. It usually works out fine.<br />
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However, we recently did have an argument because she went to one of her lovers when I didn't want her to. She did it to defy me, to get back at me. That was quite hurtful, and was the first time she violated the rules we'd agreed to.<br />
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My stance is that, as long as things are all right between me and her, I'm fine with - and encourage - her to have other lovers. But when we aren't right, then as far as I'm concerned it is not ok to go to other men. Perhaps this is still somewhat possessive of me, but really I am extremely generous with her.<br />
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Only once have I asked her to not go to another. And that one time, she went anyway. We worked things out since then, and I think we're on the same page now. But that was a challenging situation.<br />
<br />
Having said all that, we must remember that statistics show most married people have surreptitions affairs, which I think are much more damaging. From that perspective, I think we're in very good shape.<br />
<br />
But I don't want to make it sound like there are no issues, or that it hasn't been difficult at times. For the most part it is very good, and on rare occassions it is bad. Just like all marriges.

May I address both of you? You have found the key to living well, ejoying life, marriage and relationship enhancement as well as stress control.<br />
<br />
The down side may be the impact your open relationships may have on other relationships, however we live in a culture which offers many opportunities but also a double standard.<br />
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We removed the expectations of the western culture from our marriage 35 years ago. Our individual lives and relationship have all flourished. <br />
<br />
She is now pre alhizimers. I am happy and pleased to be her care giver. Thanks to her all of my sexual and emotional needs have been met. I love her for who she is, how she matured and now it is time for me to keep my marriage committment.<br />
<br />
Nice to share with anyone interested and thank yoy,

Well I hope the monster does not come out to bit you. How long have you been doing this lifestyle? How do you deal with your emotions when they flare and does she know and how does that play out?

james6160 -- thanks for asking.<br />
<br />
No big changes. It's feeling pretty comfortable, even normal. There's been less extramarital romance lately, but it does still happen. Can't say why it's tapered off, just a lull, probably not permanent.<br />
<br />
We're both still liking the relationship and the things that happen outside our bedroom. My wife still very much likes sleeping with other men, and I like that she does it. We've done a couple 3-ways, where I mostly watch her and her boyfriend (for some reason I love watching her do it, and she loves putting on a show), but I also participate some as well, so she can have two guys at once. It is amazing how this long-time innocent girl can take hour after hour of rough f**king with not one but two men.<br />
<br />
After over 20 years of monogamous marriage, being open has added a dimension to each of our lives individually, and to our marriage as a couple. We're both happy with the decision, and certainly no regrets.<br />
<br />
Having an open marriage has caused some issues, but it doesn't seem like any more than we had in traditional monogamy, and we've worked through every issue.<br />
<br />
One interesting thing at this point: If I asked her to go back to monogamy, I'm not sure she would do it. She definitely would not want to. It isn't at all that I want her to stop, but there's a piece of me that would like to know that she'd stop **** others if I asked her. The old possessive inclinations of monogamy haven't completely died in me. I suppose she'd stop if I really needed her to. But knowing that she didn't want to would gnaw at both of us. I created a bit of a monster.

SO, where do you stand now on your situation. Is it still everything you thought it would be or has it changed?

Bansheefun -- perhaps you are right, although I have recently done a little extramarital exploration myself. The whole thing is constantly evolving, which is one of the best things about it.

getitup -- Yes, what a strange journey it has been. A couple years ago, I would have called you insane if you'd have suggested that my wife and I would be in an open marriage. (Actually, you would have had to define the term "open marriage" for me first, because I hadn't heard the term until I ran across it while trying to read what others were saying about the kinds of things my wife were going through.)<br />
<br />
For us, it was very difficult to come up with a definition that works for us. Briefly, it is:<br />
<br />
1) We love each other deeply, and want to stay married and devoted to each other forever. That means our spouse comes first, always. Among other things, that means that we won't do things that our spouse isn't ok with. It also means that each of us bends over backwards to say yes to the other.<br />
<br />
2) We also believe that each is capable of physical affection and even a kind of love (not the same as marital love) with more than just their spouse, that our marriage is strong enough to withstand such activities, and that these extramarital affairs can increase our happiness as individuals and as a couple. So we grant to each other the privilege of pursuing extramarital affairs.<br />
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3) We do not take undue risks. This has many aspects, but boils down to protection of ourselves, our partners, our friends, and family in all respects ranging from reputation to STDs. Safety and discretion are absolutes.<br />
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4) Honesty. We tell each other everything. No secrets. Some with open marriages are ok with secrets, and that's fine for other couples, but we prefer complete transparency. It helps minimize jealousy and maximize alignment. Plus we find it very sexy to share stories with each other. We spend a lot of time talking about these matters, even after having settled into an arrangement for quite some time now. We talk more as a couple than ever, and this has been a fantastic side effect of our open marriage arrangement.<br />
<br />
Other definitions can work too, surely.

Man, this has been a great thread as it has progressed. It is interesting to see how people have very different ideas of how open marriage and sharing can and should work, even down to definitions, and to read of the different fears and concerns that people have about trying it.

Griffing -- you are completely correct. When I first wrote the story, it was a fresh new thing. We've had the same experience. With time and good experiences, we become even happer with our decisions. Thank you for your insight.

BansheeFun -- thanks, you've asked a good question. There is, I'll agree, a big different between a fully open marriage versus one that's open for one but not the other. In our case, it is fully open.<br />
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As I mentioned originally, I have had sex outside our marriage (before we officially became open. I believe that's called "cheating" :) After we agreed to open our marriage, I confessed my previous affairs.) For some reason, because I had a my flings, I'm just not feeling all that motivated to go out and have others. Not saying I won't, but I just don't feel like it at this point in my life. But I do have my wife's full and sincere blessing. She's actually been pushing me to get out there -- she knows how much fun she's having and wants me to have the same pleasure. If the right situation presented itself, I'd definitely pursue it, but I don't feel like going out to stir up opportunities. My wife and I have a great sex life together, and I do get into hearing about and knowing what she's doing with others. At least for now, I'm content.

getitup -- thanks for your encouragement. The whole thing has evolved and it is working great. When we first started, it was exciting but scary. Part of what keeps any long term relationship healthy is change, but change can be unsettling. I am getting what I want, thank you. It isn't perfect -- no marriage is -- but it is very good and we're very happy together.

I am glad to hear that things are working out for you. It seemed like you wrote your wrote the story before this had been going on very long and things sounded uncertain. For me, being able to feel comfortable with a situation mostly comes with time. After we see that a new lover brings us more joy than trouble, it is much easier to be comfortable with the relationship.

I have had the same experience, or at least similar ones for many years now and we wouldn't have it any other way. Make sure to get what you need as well.

Thanks for your comment getitup.<br />
<br />
It's been about 8 months since I wrote my story. I've since gotten much more comfortable with her sleeping with other men. She has had quite a number of very sexy experiences.<br />
<br />
We've even taken it to the next level, with me being in the room watching her with a lover. It was certainly strange, watching the love of my life have mind-blowing sex with another man. But I did love it, and she loved putting on a show for me. He and I also gave her the experience of a fantasy she'd recently developed -- having two men inside her at once. Oh did she love that.<br />
<br />
Even though she has been with men who are very good looking, very well endowed, and who give her a lot of pleasure, we are secure in our marriage and our sex life continues to be great.<br />
<br />
Taking jealousy out of a relationship, not treating each other as one's exclusive property, and realizing that sex is a wonderful healthy thing that can be shared -- we've found these things make a marriage better, stronger, more true.<br />
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No regrets.<br />
<br />
Cheers.

It sounds to me like you don't know whether you want in ,or want out of the open marriage agreement you made with her. She took you at your word. Now your choices are limited.