Opiate CravingsI used to love those pills. They made me feel at one with the Universe. My lifetime mood disorder finally cleared up thanks to my friends, tram, oxy, roxi..I became so much more pleasant to be around on pills, and even recieved props from people clueless of what I was up to. My mom would say: "You seem to have stablized, dear, have you finally grown up?" My shrink: "Margaret, I think the Wellbutrin has become remarkably effective, you don't seem to be experiencing moodiness like you used to." I loved that warm delicious obscenely pleasurable blanket of euphoria I was snuggled in. I even got salesperson of the year thanks to opiates. Before being on them, I was in a perpetual state of irritation, didn't like people, and my old bones would be screaming, "Go away, customers, I'm a hurtin' and I gots to rest!" All that discomfort evaporated once I sniffed an Oxy in the bathroom. Anyhow, they stopped working. So I stopped and the absurd thought of: "Well, glad that's over, but I gotta do something, I can't just not do anything, guess I'll drink instead." A junky told me once: The stupidest thing a heroin addict can do is switch to alcohol. They keep chasing the dragon inside the bottle wanting desperately to feel the euphoria, and instead become abjectedly miserable drunks." Bingo. Finally went to rehab for a year, and now two years later, I have no desire for drink. But now, now the opiates are whispering to me: " you know, you will be able to get through the week so seamlessly on me, life won't be hard anymore, I'll take your irritation away." Well, eventually I succumbed and took up with tram, rationalizing that I did have pain, and besides this is what doctors give to addicts anyway, 'cause it's not 'sposed to get you high...Right? yeah right??. So I took 'em. And all of a sudden life became so much easier. People that previously irritated the **** out of me, were now easy to socialize with. I was suddenly motivated and not scared to look for a job! But after about a couple of days I noticed something paramount to my recovery. I noticed not only was it easy to do things I really don't like to do but kinda have to, it also made it easier to do things that I like to do but shouldn't be doing! Like hanging in my apt. all day watching HBO. Thinking resentful hostile thoughts about people I'd previously had forgiven. So now, when those testy little cravings come back, I will remember to say to myself: Okay, it may make housework more pleasurable, but it will also make telling that person off that you swore you wouldn't so much easier too! Since I'm really trying not to be mean, I'm glad I had this invaluable insight. The ease of Opiates? Yeah, they make it so much easier to think about ruining my life.
mariaweeks 46-50, F 1 Response 2 Mar 16, 2012