My Only Sister.

My sister is 5 yrs older than I am, we are now both more than middle aged adults, and I thought by now she would have some understanding of how I am made up mentally, but in my latest attempt to reach out to her for support she blew me off as usual.

It's hard to believe that we are even sisters though because we are so opposite in so many ways, in the important ways for me.   Oh, we share the same sense of humor & values in life such as our kids & family, but that's about as much as I can even think of off the top of my head...

She is a leader, I am a follower, she is self confident, I have low self asteem, she is self centered but always thoughtful when it comes to sending nice cards, I am more concerned with others feelings than my own but I always forget to mail my cards.  She is extremely organized, anal, and critical of others who aren't,. right, I'm not.    She is apathetic & says she can be like that because she lives in denial?  I am an empathetic to a fault.

I live & love living in a rural setting, she lives in a gated community, & does not leave my house to go outside because she will get her shoes dirty, while I am tromping around in muck boots.  She married a professional(twice), I married blue collar(twice).  Needless to say she is financially well off, I am just barely making it.  However, I have always been glad for her because she has worked hard & deserves to enjoy it.  She has no empathy for someone who is struggling to get by because she has done it why can't everyone else.

I have been struggling with depression & anxiety for over 10 yrs but rarely mention it to her because I don't want to be a downer.  She lives in another state(Fla.), so we only see each other a few times a year around holidays & only talk on the phone when she has something regarding herself to tell me.  The conversation could last 2 hours & during that time she will not ask how I'm doing until she's ready to hang up & by then I know she is ready for a quick answer so she can go do something else like have lunch with her lady friends.

Just this past week I decided to break down & really let her know how low I've gotten mentally, so I wrote her a couple of lengthy emails describing my inner feelings of worthlessness & why I have been feeling that way, and she replied with a very short response that I should probably see my shrink & get my meds changed!  That was it, no call to try to talk to me to offer support, or even to tell me to get over it....nada, nothing.  I waited most of the day but to no avail.  I knew she was home because she had sent me a couple of "joke" emails & had responded to my email.  

I finally girded myself to call because it was her husband's birthday & I wanted to wish him a happy one, but at that point I did not want to talk to her, so I called him on his cell phone hoping she wouldn't even be around, unfortunately she was there & before I could get off the phone with my brotherinlaw he handed the phone over to her...

I suddenly became very manic & just started rambling on about everything I had already told her & all she did was sit on the other end silently, until I got tired of talking then she took over telling me how SHE has similar feelings but manages to overcome them by keeping busy with friends & her charity work, and it always makes her feel better when she sees how much worse off other people are....and in the next breath tells me how she is going to be featured/recognized in the local paper for her charitable work which involves counseling small businesses on how to market themselves(she was in marketing b4 she retired).    I got "let go" from my job(of 25 yrs) because I could NOT keep up with the ridiculous sales quotas.  

She is well aware of how I lost my job & how it affected me & has pretty much left me useless in many respects, but she never said she was sorry that it happened to me, or ever offered to help, even after I ended up in a mental ward for a week after feeling suicidal.

About 6 yrs ago, our mother came down with Alzheimer's, it was horrible seeing her get like that.  Since my sister lived out of state, it was all on me to deal with my poor mother.  The only time she "helped" me out was when she came into town for about 2 days to go to look at different nursing homes to put our mother in.  After it was decided, she promptly left, and the rest was up to me. 

It probably wouldn't have been so bad if I could've left my mother there, but after only about a month of seeing her being treated like a prisoner I couldn't bear it anymore.  My mother's sister who is unmarried & has never had children & has always done everything with my mother grudgingly agreed to take her in.  I could not because I have a small house with no spare room & a 13 yr old son & cranky husband who disliked my mother.  My sister never once offered to look after mom, (she has a huge house & no children at home), and if I was going to take her out of the nursing home then it was all on me.

I made all the arrangements & got things set up at my aunt's house & made sure everything would be taken care of with doctors & meds & anything else my aunt would need to have my mom there, plus I didn't live too far so I planned on visiting everyday or as needed.  It was a great relief for me, I knew she would be better off with my aunt, and my aunt would have her sister's company & it would keep her occupied(she also hated that I had put my mother in a nursing home).  

Unfortunately, the very day I took my mother to my aunt's & got them all situated, my aunt started complaining about not feeling very well, so I was pretty concerned about leaving & going home after a completely exhausting day.  I stayed until my mother fell asleep & waited to see how my aunt was doing, and she said she was alright, she just had an upset stomach & was planning on just going to bed as soon as I left, so I headed for home which was about 50 mins away.  I got home around 11pm, and was just ready to fall into bed when my phone rang & of course it was my aunt, I thought it was going to have something to do with my mother, but instead she was crying because she felt so sick!  I didn't want to chance it so I called 911 & had them go to her house while I got dressed again & raced back.  By the time I got there, they had already taken my aunt to the hosp & there was a policeman waiting for me telling me that there was still another old woman in the house who was screaming her head off, I then told him I knew that, it was my mother who had awakened during all the commotion & had gotten hysterical.

Long story short about that situation, my aunt had a mini stroke that night, and I had to stay at her house to care for my mother for 3 weeks until my husband managed to fix up our small family room for my mother to stay in.  My aunt recovered after physical therapy, moved back to her house alone & I was stuck caring for my mother at my home & caring for my aunt at her home(while still managing my household with my husband, son, & our animals).  My sister never came to help out, and only visited a couple of times because she couldn't stand being around our mother or our aunt. 

I cared for both of them separately for 2 yrs until I finally found a private nursing home a few mins from my house for my mom.  It wasn't the best for her, but she had just about destroyed my home by that time.  If you have ever had to care for someone with Alzheimer's you will understand.  No, I don't blame my sister for any of that of course, she was the smart one as usual to not get that involved.  But I can't help but feel she jilted me by never even offering moral support.  

THAT's all I have ever wanted from her is some moral support, I have always been there for her over many years of her issues with divorces, & caring for her child when she went on vacations, which have always been frequent, and anything else that ever came up, but I guess she just figured I owed it to her because she is my big sister...  

I would love to just disown her from my life but it would ruin the rest of our small but close knit family, which now only includes my 3 grown sons & her grown daughter whom I adore(she is NOTHING like her mother thank god).  None of my kids think poorly of her because she is the fun auntie that comes in during holidays & always gives them great gifts of money!  If I ever mumble anything about her they pretty much shoot me down, and just say that's the way she is....

I want a sister that really cares about me, not just one that sends funny cards & writes how much she loves her little sister!  LIES!

Should I just keep my mouth shut, I don't know, if I say anything I know it will just fall on me like a bag of crap, and who needs more crap?


sparkless sparkless
56-60, F
2 Responses Mar 12, 2009

I hope things have gotten better, this thread is old! If it makes you feel any better, just about everyone I know has a sister like yours, I know I do! My sis, ten years older than I, ditched me when my autistic son and I were at our lowest, like no roof over our heads. To this day she has not called me to see if we're okay. She lives comfortably, yet is envious of those who are rich, famous, talented, etc.. Over the years of witnessing her narcissistic behaviour and lack of empathy, I have come to the conclusion she is unwell mentally. Something happened in the gene pool and I seriously believe that it runs in all families.

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