When Love Really Means Everything.

I feel like to share my story with you. I think that you may find it interesting. My motivation is also, to take the opportunity to share this with you, so that it also might inspire you in some sort of way.

I am not being completely self-less with my intent, I also, hope that my story will encourage you to share your thoughts,feelings and opinions.

I am not a writer, so before i begin, i ask you excuse me for my grammatical errors and so forth. I just hope i write in a comprehensible manner and convey the essence of what i am sharing so that its pretty well understood.

I would like to begin at my childhood. I was a baby boy born in 1972 in Albany, New York. My parents were divorced, before I was born. I was raised by my mother, and for as long as I can remember, my father always had his second family.

There is a an opposition to the environment to either sides of my immediate family. On the side, in which i was raised, there is my mother, her oldest daughter from a previous indescretion that happened before she met my father, my older sister and me.

My mother's side of the family and they life they have had since i can remember, was full of irresponsibilty, poverty,instability ( important to mention the instability, in the sense that mother was ultimately irresponsible with money, caused us to always have to move due to not paying rent, not having food, having the lights turned off, etc; at the same time, when my father did lend support financially, my mother used this money for materialistic things and buying things beyond her means, had the nicest most fashionable clothes but didnt pay the rent, even though her illness kept her bed ridden as long as i have known her, she never worked and rarely went out, unless it was to see the doctor or goto the hospital for,sometimes long term stays ) mental and physical health problems of my mother and subsequent prescription drug abuse, neglect, physical abuse, turmoil and more. I do not have as much good memories, as much as I do have very sad and bad ones. I was alienated, neglected and abused. Sure, it was not all bad, i was given some toys, and celebrated holidays, just like any other kid. There were times though, that no one aknowleged my birthday, because everyone was too embarrased that there was no money to celebrate, but at least they could have said happy birthday.

There was a period of sexual abuse on me, by an older male neighbor, when I was 4-5 years old. This experience has effected my life, even to this day. No one in my family has ever come to terms nor supported me about this, ever since i managed to find the courage to let everyone know, when i was about 15-16 years old.

My fatherś side, with his second family, is very much different, he is a successful physician, with a wife and two sons. They have always seemed very happy together, everyone on that side, was always well taken care of, encouraged to do well in school, which eventually led to successfull and healthy adulthoods, and I can only describe them now, as i have not been in really close contact with this side of my family, since more than 20 years, as being very conservative, dedicated to their relgion, extended, as my two step brothers are now in long term and healthy marriages with children.

I was, and also my older sister, caught between these two worlds all my life growing up. The majority of the time with my mother, but there were moments, when, after emotional court battles and arguing back and forth that led to my my father being granted custody of me and my sister. Although, my mother is someone i look at now, as kind of a victim to her own problems, especially with her health, she has Lupus, which is a terrible disease, she also just did things in such a manner, that now as an adult, i just can not forgive her for doing. Just to kind of, sum it up for you, i do not think there is any excuse in this world, for a child at 8 years old, should be left starving in his room, alone, without anything to eat, cold and crying from being physically abused as a punishment and saying to himself, " i wish i would die, i wish i was never born." Sure, kids say this thing to their parents all the time, and always have, but mostly for attention, this was me, alone, and at the time, i meant it.

When living with my fathers family, it was a competition for his attention with everyone, my sister was with me too, and i was even jealous of the attention she would get from my father. Later on, i felt really alienated, when, he was awarded custody of both my sister and i, she and i both were devistated to leave my mother, believe it or not, i felt dedication and sincere love for my mother as a child and as a teenager, at this time when my father was awarded custody, i was sent away to military school ( where another episode of sexual abuse occured ), my sister stayed at home with him and his family. Its almost important that you know, that his wife, had always a real difficult time to like either me or my sister, this relationship was in turmoil since the start, and still persist today.

I was always caught in the middle of all of this.

There has always been talk about, how when i was born, how difficult it was to actually keep me alive, i was premature and from what i was told, was still born, resuscitated, then put in an incubator and it took weeks of constant medical attention to keep me alive.

There is also the story, of my parents coming home, this is when they were together, i do not remember these days, but supposedly, they were out, and my sister and i were left in the care of the maid pr babysitter, i do not quite remember who, but both my parents have told me, that they discovered this person suffocating me with a pillow, and she was later brought up on charges for this.

My teen and young adult life was interesting. It definitely has a lot to do with who i am today, as i suppose is the same for all of us. In high school, i was into art, mostly photography, music and djing ( art and music are two things i am dedicated passionately to, today ) but very poor in all my other subjects, i never applied myself or had the discipline, all through junior and high school, i was told i had so much potential, i just did not apply myself, and this was not encouraged at home. Its only the things i found interesting that i excelled in, all failure marks or c+ as the highest grade in all subjects, except for art, music, and during the period when computers were introduced in our science studies, in subjects like this, i always had the highest grades, A+.

I was into skateboarding, listening to really alternative and experimental music, i dressed strangely, yes! i was one of those alternative types in high school during the 80's. I was skipping school to goto NYC for concerts and early proto rave type parties, i was into break dancing and dj culture and i discovered a passion for film at an early age. I was intent on graduating and going to film school in NYC, but this didnt happen. I eventually went to University, but was far more sporadic and later than normal. Yes, i should mention, because it does have a lot to do with my story, i started experimenting with drinking alchohol and drugs very early on. I never did have a real problem with any form of drug dependency, i did a lot, this is for sure, its always been alchohol that has had a strange effect on me. We will get back to this later on.

I want to start talking about dating and learning about relationships. Because, its the real point of my writing to you. After all, its the story i really want you to know ... I just thought and feel its important to give you an idea of who i am and where i come from.

In early junior school and high school, I really liked girls a lot! I was always very shy, but i would write girls i liked, poems and lyrics to songs i liked, draw pictures and give them as a gift, this is how i went about getting girls attention, yet it did not work very out very well I think about it now, and its funny, i have not changed my approach very much since high school, might explain a lot later on ... i just tell you about the stories of young love that i feel are worth mentioning.

I met a girl, when i was about 15-16 years old, i remember i saw her outside of a popular place, everyone would goto after the high school sporting events, yes, i was a bit shy, but i liked being social, i was more into hanging out downtown with the punks and goths in the cool pizza place, sneaking beer and smoking cigarettes, and talking to the older and cooler artist and freaks from the neighborhood, who were really into music, i used to have fun trading mixed tapes, skateboarding and making a party with my friends i made , that was really my scene as a teenager, but occasionally, i goto "normal" things like football games.

Well,i met her at one of these type of events. I was with my punk rocker friend, and i said to him, that i like this girl, she was really cute, kind of mod style, but preppy and she just seemed cool. So, my friend, told me just to go up to her and talk to her. So, i did. Was my first girlfriend. My first kiss. The first time i came near to making love with a girl. We were in love.

Her family got to know me, and her mother and father liked me a lot, so much in fact, that because my situation was so terrible at home, that they invited me to live with them.

This whole story became complicated, because my mother found a letter she wrote to me, saying how sorry she felt for me, because of the situation with my mother. my mother completely freaked out me, she slapped me and beat me, and forbid me to see this girl anymore, as long as i was living in her house, i wasnt allowed to see my girlfriend.

This was really hard i remember, so her and i , went to different schools, but we wrote to eachother and had friends act as go betweens for us.

Occasionally, we managed ways to see eachother, and one night, we actually shared the same bed in her cousins house. This was the first night her and i came close to making love. I remember, we were close, and she said " i am afraid, i never done this before " i asked her if she was ok, because i could wait, because i never done it before either, so, she said, yes, she would rather we didnt go all the way, so i respected what she asked of me.

Later, one night, actually while i was doing a spot on college radio as a DJ. I started as a DJ on the air, really quite young. just maybe a few weeks or so after the night with my girlfriend, a good friend came by the station.

He was acting strange towards me, so i was like, "man, whats up with you? " He proceeded to tell me, about his cousin, who we all knew in the scene, because he was famous for skateboarding, he told me his cousin had sex with my girlfriend the previous night in the skatepark.

I was crushed.

So, i am going to skip ahead, just because, i realise its ok, to not say everything to you, i just want to highlight some points.

So,lets skip ahead to about 5-6 years. Since the time, i just mentioned to you, i had a few girlfriends, nothing i remember being really quite as special as it was with my first love, but thats normal. I had already had sex more than a few times and now, i was living with my sister in her flat downtown, and working at a nearby coffee shop.

One day, the aunt, of my first love came into the coffee shop,and we talked a bit, because she remembered me and she said that my first love, was in university near by, and doing well.

A few weeks later, there she was! my first love , in the coffee shop, i heart must have stood still for a moment, and i remember, she just looked so beautiful that it had me shaking all over.

We caught up and eventually hung out together, going to parties together, and having fun. I would sleep at her place near her school, but she made me too nervous to have sex with her, it was strange, i wanted to, but just couldnt get my head around it for some reason, i wanted to still try to take time. Like when we were young.

Well, one night we are at a party, I met a couple, who were her friends, she told me she felt bad, because the girl was a good but competitive friend of hers, and that she was having sex with the boy too. Well, i was surprised, but i always had a sense of open mindness when it came to this kind of thing, i definitely didnt judge her, nor did i take it too personally.

She is now married to this same person.

At the time, our new found relationship started to get dramatic, we were not having sex, but sleeping together, i started to have friends coming around her flat, and eventually she got into a sex and coke scene with my friend, whom i know i shouldnt have trusted, because he slept with a girl i was regular with a few years before, but at the same time, i met another girl, so i just dropped that whole scene completely. I went with the other girl i met.

She was really cool, definitely very cute, kind of like a young punk version of Drew Barrymore ( everyone always used to say to me ) she was addicted to heroine and a liked to drink a lot. I did not do heroine with her, but we definitely partied a lot together.

Eventually, i helped her get out of her addiction, and back into her art, we found a place together in Queens, New York City,to live together, after going through a traumatic time having to do with her being pregneant and eventually having a miscarriage. She really did well, and went to a very prestigious art school downtown and i myself, took a big step in the right direction, and started working at a famous record shop in NYC. We were in love, and doing ok. Until, i started to socialise more with my co-workers and going out a lot to parties, i should mention, all this time that passed since after high school, i became really involved in rave culture and DJ'ing, it started becoming more than being about a party, and more about the music and getting really involved in all aspects of the business side. So, i wasnt at home alot, going out late, which conflicted with her school schedule. She also had a strong interest in animal rights issues and was/is an activist in this. She decided to take a semester away from school, and go on a tour around the country, with an activist group, to protest against scientific laboratories that use animals for experiements.She would be gone for 3 months, i was sad to see her go, but supported her, and thought it was great that she wanted to do this. She had a friend from School stay as a guest in our living room, to help me with the rent. A really crazy psycho girl i did not know before, but this girl ended up having real psychological troubles, unfortunately, one night her and i got drunk and ended up having sex, i never told my girlfriend at the time about this. She would not have liked this, and i felt really terrible about betraying her trust.

After the first month of her being away, the psycho friend moved out, i was alone in the flat, and the communication between my girlfriend and i, started to dwindle, i didnt know why, i started to get paranoid and nervous, the last month there was no communication at all, and when she did arrive back in NYC, she came home, and said, " i have to talk to you." she met someone while she was on this tour, and decided to move to Portland, Oregon, the other side of the country, to be with him. I was shattered, she came home and left in a matter of two days later ..... I eventually got submerged in drinking and lost touch with reality because i was being a real heavy drinker.

I chased after her, and myself moved out West, to find her and try to win her back. That did not work out. So, i decided, or it just so happened i ended up living in San Francisco.

I was single for a long time, i managed to kind of sort my life out, but was really a big drinker, and i found some sort of way to stay involved in music. I did some really good things with music and organizing in San Francisco.

After a few years,I met someone, she was a really brilliant artist, from San Francisco, it was a nice relationship, she was my partner in one of the best events i ever produced as i finally started to reallise more of my vision of the fusion of music and art in events.this lasted a good few years and ended very badly, its a complicated story as well ..... there was a lot of drinking and cocaine involved, and the story between her and i did get really deep. It was the first time i ever saved my money, and bought a custom made diamond ring, and offered it to her and asked her if she would consider to marry me, it was really like this, or so i thought, even though she said yes. Eventually, she left me, because i was just not cool and laidback enough for her, i was getting extremely jealous because she spent a lot of time with other male " friends " .... she made me feel insane about my insecurities, and really put me through it, i didnt understand if it was a test of trust or my intuition that she was really sleeping around with a lot of men was true, i was paranoid and just in a lot of pain all the time over her. I started to come undone at a certain point, and we decided best was to separate but still be " friends ". I tried with her. really i did, we were being friends but still having a really intense sexual relationship,we were not doing any thing else much more than that and the confusion was far too much for me to handle and this is the point where my drinking really started getting out of control. So, here comes one of the most important parts of my story. One day i called her, and she sounded weird on the phone, she was breathing really heavy and well, this phone call, was to try just to be strong, and tell her how much i loved her and wanted to be with her, that i couldnt just be her friend, she was saying, " oh baby, i am listening, tell me how much you love me." and she just sounded really weird, i hung up the phone when i reallised she was in the middle of having sex when she answered my phone call, this really had me feeling terrible. Once again, I was devistated.

I was reacting to this break-up in a really bad way, i went really crazy, i was actually considering to suicide myself. i was living with two friends who were together as a couple, and they tried to really help me, but seeing the two of them together in such a nice relationship, really was just making this whole situation harder for me to cope with. So, i was just getting to a point of going out all the time, getting wasted drunk, and doing lots of drugs, involving myself with her friends, which eventually led to me sleeping with her best friend, and it just was a terrible situation getting worse at every moment. I didnt care, i was just intent on completely being at my worst. I didnt think about doing anything else but party and make a real non-sense.

I was working in an electronics shop at the time, still staying involved in music and still managing to do things, but had this little job on the side to pay my bills.

One day, while i was working in the shop, a man came into the store. An Indian man from India ( my father is also born in India ) He had traditional clothing on, but i could see some wear and tear. He had some kind of energy about him, that caught my attention. He came up to me, he could not speak English very well, but he approached me, and started to speak to me. He asked me my name, i told him, after he said softly in his native language, something to himself. Then, he asked me to hold out my hand, and i was at first very skeptical, a bit afraid actually, he said " its ok, do not worry yourself." I did, he put a piece of little folded paper in my hand. He asked me to close my hand around it.

He asked me.

" how many children are in your close family, including you? " i thought to myself, the family i told you about, and aswered him " 5 ". He asked me " on what day of the month, is your birthday? i answered him " 9 ". He asked me how old i was going to be on my next birthday and i answered him " 31 "

He then after, without touching me or anything, asked me to open my hand and unfold the paper. the numbers 5, 9, and 31 were written in a sequence in a column form, on the piece of paper. I was a bit taken by surprise. I asked him what this was about. How did he know, did he know my family or is someone putting him up to this .... he said no.

This is what he explained to me. He told me that he lives on a mountain, in India, where he meditates and prays throughout his whole day, he is devoted to god, and this is what he does in order to be close with his god. He said that his god spoke to him, and sent him on this journey to see me specifically, as well as two other people, one in another small town in the south of California and another person in Australia. He said, that this was an important point in my life, where an answer to a question is what it is going to take for me to reallise i should not give up on my life. This is why he came to me, because he has an answer to any question i might have for him, he suggested i go home, and think about a meditate and pray about my question, at the time, i was not doing either thing. I asked him, if i could invite him to sleep at my place, he looked kind of worn out, and i offered him dinner. He said no, that he had to just find a quiet place to pray and meditate, he said that he would come back tomorrow. So, when i went home, i seriously thought about this man and i contemplated on which question i was going to ask him. Well, the reason i am tying all of this together, even though, there area lot of important points about my life and who i am, that i have barely touched upon or told you about, the question i had for him, was about my love relationships. Because honestly.

It means a lot to me.

One day, when i was a child, i remember driving in a car, staring out of the window at the full moon as it drove along with me over the top of a mountain range in the deep black sky .... i was sad, i remember, but that was usually my mood as a child, always melancholy ... i do not know why, but all of a sudden, i just felt it clear in my mind, that somewhere, out there, my twin spirit, my best friend, i have yet to meet, is looking right now, at the other side of the same moon. A really romantic thought, especially for a 10 year old child. But with this thought, my heart suddenly was full of joy, and i remember, i smiled, and kept on gazing up at the full moon. i even wrote poems later on in my life, about this moment.

The next day, i was working, and the man came in again. same clothes, same energy and the same directions, after we said hello to eachother, he was not interested in speaking small talk, he asked me to hold out my hand, so i did, paying real close attention to everything he was doing, i was actually behind the sales counter, the same as the day before. he put a piece of paper in my hand, and then asked me to name 3 animals in the jungle. I said




So, i opened the paper, and written, in the same exact order was the same answers,I asked him how did he do that, he said, it was his gift from god so that i would know for sure that his answer to my question was serious.

So, then he explained to me, the reason why i chose those animals, in this order. He told me , it represents the 3 stages of my existence, the first stage is monkey, he said the first stage of my life was like a monkey, always running around, jumping around the trees, being playful and being a monkey, if you think about what i wrote about earlier, my early teen to young adult years, you can see that this man was very correct about this. He said that the elephant, represents my second stage of existence, and was the stage i was currently in at the moment, he described some spiritual aspects to his religion in regards to the elephant, but for me, was because i was currently, going through this stage, like an elephant, with a heavy load of weight on me, moving slowly, and if you think about what my situation was like, when i met this man, you can see, that he was also very right about this. he said, that, the 3rd stage is the final stage, and i chose Tiger, because, in India, the tiger is the king of the jungle, strong and dominator of his domain, and that is where i will be in the last stage of my life. He said, it had something to do with music, that i love music. and he again was very much correct, and then he went on to say, how i need not to give up, that i need to trust him, what he is saying, because this is what his god told him, and that he came all the way from India, just to tell me this, and that i should never forget.

So, then he asked me, what is my question. so i asked him if i ever was going to be truely in love and be with someone i can trust as my lover and my friend, and he said yes! and he knew this was going to be my question. because god gave him the answer.

He said, its not the woman you are thinking about now, this woman i need to forget about because she will never be in mylife in any way ever again, especially as a lover. So, was best to forget about her, was not the answer i was really looking for at the time, but, now,what he said, is so very true, after 7 years, even though i tried to contact her by mail, and actually on the phone once, she never responded to me, hasnt added me to her friends list on any of the social network pages, even though she has done this with people who i introduced her to, that she hardly knows ........

He said, the one you hope for, dose not live here, she lives very far away ( belive me at the time, i never thought i would ever leave the U.S., at the time, it just seemed an impossible idea to even imagine ) she is going to be the one who gives you all that you need, it wont be easy at the start, but she will bear you two children and be with you and love you until the day you die and after. You are going to die before she does. I asked him, is there anything more he can tell me, he seemed to get a little annoyed at my question, he said, just trust what i am saying is true, dont waste anymore time on the one in your mind now, and you will know when you are with her but you must be careful.

i didnt know what to think. he then gave me a tiger eyes precious stone, its really beautiful, he said, that while he was meditating, and god spoke to him about me, that he was polishing this stone, and he gifted me with it. i asked him if i could do anything for him, he said no, i asked him, if he wanted anything from the shop, he said no, i insisted, so i gave him a little radio for him to listen to on the airplane, and he accepted the gift, kind of unwillingly, but appreciated my giving nature. and then he left.

after this story happened, it may have changed my point of view about myself soon after, but it didnt last too long. i actually managed a really cool event, that could have been better in terms of success, but the most valueable thing about that event, was that i learned my lesson from the experience, on how to better manage this kind of organization. i learned, but it still tokk me a few more times to really start to get a real hold on this , its something else about my story, and it is about being responsible to the people i make promises to and they way i handle business, unfortunately, this character flaw that i see so evident in my mother, as far being irrresponsible with money, is something i learned from her, and its a bit compulsive actually, so its really ingrained in mind, or at least it was up until yesterday, but i will get to that point.

so, after the event, at which i needed a caterer , and actually asked the most recent woman who left me, the one the indian man told me i should forget, i was still hanging on, and offered her and her best friend ( whom i slept with behind her back ) to do this job of catering, it was something they both like to do, and they did this, and i just wanted to be in positive mode as far as she was concerned, and thought that my big accomplishment in organizing the event would impress her, and give me a chance to win her back. a really not good way for my having to have been thinking, i learned from it, or i thought i did, just not clearly enough. today,i understand a bit better.

so, actually, very soon after the event, i went to live in northern california, it was good for me to get back into nature, away from the city and working physically hard in the forest, it was good for me at the time. i didnt really ease off on the drinking though, and this was still my biggest problem, i just did not reallise it yet.

after living in the countryside of northern california, i ended up for a lot of different reasons , living in Las Vegas. I was indebted to a project investor, so she suggested i come to Las Vegas, and lend a hand in some of her projects there, i wanted to reimburse her for her investments, so i agreed to come there and try it out. I was a guest in her home, and she was married to a nice man, whom i quickly became friends with, he is also one who likes to drink a lot. so , him and i had no problem getting along. there were 4 kids in the family, 7-9-14-16, well as i guest in the home, i by default, became a kind of Mr. Bellvedere , i was helping around a lot in the house, and becoming familiar with the family, the youngest was a boy, and him and i had a bond, because all his sibings were his sisters and his father was always busy, so i felt like it was important to give him a lot of my attention. His mother suffocated him with attention, its not my place to say anything more about this family. Eventually, i had to leve the house, not in a bad way, but i did end up going back and eventually things got really bad,with drinking.

In Las Vegas, i eventually hit rock bottom, i was nothing more and even less that worst degenerate gambling ,alchaholic person you could ever meet, i went from a potential good situation to just the real gutter, seriously, if it was not for my sister,and i never left that city. I would be dead by one thing or another. Everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong. It was the worst year of my life and i really should have realised to stop drinking after that episode, but i guess since someone was there, to catch me when i really feel, there was nothing for me to really appreciate about that experience enough to have turned the page completely.

I ended up back in NYC. I started out ok, but i was still a real problem of drinking, i pretty much gave up on my interest in music, and took a well paying job as a stagehand technician, i was happy to be making good money working for some of the biggest names in the music industry, but that didnt mean anything to me whatsoever. I was still wasting my life away, in NYC. I had not been involved with any women, whatsoever. i had a crush on a girl i met, but it never went anywhere, she drove me home from work and we spoke on the phone a few times, but i wasnt ready to be in any kind of relationship, especially since all the things i needed to get out of my system from Las Vegas. I also was spending a real lot of my free time on the internet.

I have to back up here for a moment. Ever since i was a young teenager, I have had a strong interest in french culture, i think it started with French new wave cinema and Jean-Paul Sartre. Well this really has been a major interest of mine since a long time. I appreciate so much about the culture and of course took a specific interest in the wine, at an early age, and is something i really appreciate. Also, one of the most substantial sub-cultural phenonemom to happen around music and art and the kind of philosophy i take to heart, really erupted in France in the early 90's. I have always felt a connection to France.

So, i actually made an online friend, through a popular social network. I was intrigued by the fact that i was actually in touch with a French girl, who knew all about, the things i found interesting about French culture and was interesting about art and music. I actually started communication with this girl, while i was living in San Francisco, so was a long time her and i were in touch, and it grew into us actually speaking on the phone, and building a relationship , virtually. I was finding myself feeling like she was my girlfriend, even though we never actually saw eachother. While i was living in NYC, it must have just been something about her that really had me beliving we were meant to be with eachother. So, after one year of being in constant communication with her, promises from both sides that were just unrealistic and even being intimate sexually, over the internet. I made the decision to come to Paris.

So, one day in NYC while i was on a technician job, i met a guy, who is now my good friend. He was really cool we were on the same kind of vibe and actually, he knew a lot of the same music and interest that i have. He wasnt living in NYC, he is from there, but when i met him, he was just visiting NYC from Berlin. He was living in Berlin. I knew a lot about Berlin as well, but since i had this idea to come to Europe, because of the girl, i took it as a real sign that i made a good friend who just happens to be living in Europe as well. He kind of really helped me to decide to come to Europe. I also spoke with the girl in France about Berlin, and she said to me that living there together would be a great idea. That Berlin is way more interesting than Paris, as far as culture is concerned. One of my dear friends who is also a DJ from NYC, also had just recently moved to Berlin. So, now, i just started to take the idea very seriously. So, i decided, i am going to work harder than i have ever worked in my life, save all my money and move to Europe to be with this girl, and her and I would move to Berlin together.

That is what i did.

I had so many dreams and expectations before i arrived, especially with the girl. Before i left, she organized an art exhibition and asked me to DJ on her event and to make some collaborations with her. I was thinking that, finally my life has found its way. I was so nervous on the airplane. When i arrived, the girl did not meet me at the airport. I should have took this as an immediate sign on how this was all going to go.

So, i took a taxi from the airport to her flat in Paris. I waited, anxiously, in front of her flat for her to meet me at the door. After, about an hour, she finally arrived. I was completely disappointed at first sight. I felt something was very strange about her as well ..... i knew this wasnt going to go well. After, one month and all of my money that i saved and more that i had friends send me from NYC, and practically being beaten to death in the Paris metro in the middle of the night and being treated in a very wrong matter by the French police. I gave up on this story. After a few months of not drinking, i went back to getting drunk because the situation was just so bad with this girl, i had to call my friend in Berlin, and told him, i was going to arrive in Berlin in a few days. He said, no worries man, we will sort you out. When i left Paris, i said to myself, " i am never going to ever come back to that horrible city!"

One of the things that i actually did do before i arrived in Paris, was that i actually secured a job, doing the same thing i was doing in NYC. Which is pretty good to have done. Now, in order for this company to pay my contracts i have with them. They needed a European Bank account, i asked the girl if i could use her account so i could be paid, she said it would be no problem.

Also, the company i am working for, puts me to work in Paris, but is actually based in Berlin.

So, i arrived in Berlin. I was really quite desperate and depressed over this situation with this girl. I met my friend, he knew of a place, where i could stay for a while. Its a kind of famous place in Berlin, its a collective oriented space. It has a lot of history and is really very nice idea. I was welcomed in this place as a guest.

For those of you who do not know the city of Berlin or its history. It is really going to be difficult for me to explain. For this story, You have to imagine, that there is a really strong alternative living culture that exist in Berlin. It is the major capital in Europe for party, nightlife, art and overall culture . The place where i was staying as a guest, is one of literally hundreds of places like this in Berlin, where a large number of people, mostly, musicians, artist, activist and people who just choose to live life on their own terms,to live together collectively.Sharing responsibilitiies of the project. Its really very interesting, and the city of Berlin, inspired in me the idea to organize something with music and art on a scale i have only ever dreamt was possible before. When you do what it is i do with art and music, Berlin is like a dream come true.

Also, party culture within these kinds of spaces is also very much present. There is a lot of drinking and drug use going on. I fell really deep into drinking again, honestly, It was only the 5-6 months before i arrived in Europe, that i can ever remember staying away from drinking , in Berlin, i was really hardcore and at the same time, i was organizing a very large scale event.

i also assumed, since the company i was under contract with, would be able to put me to work in Berlin, since they are based there. So, this made things difficult for me.

So, after some time, even though i was working very hard on an interesting project. The first thing that happened was, the entire collective , nearly 40 people, put a meeting together where they all wanted to speak with me. They didnt like what they were seeing was happening with me and my drinking and depression, everyone was quite concerned and wanted to know if there was anything they could do to help .... thats pretty hard to hear coming from this group of people, some of whom, drink and do drugs every day. So, they also suggested i leave Berlin for a while, they all understood that i was coming from the states via Paris, and they all collectively decided that they would help me, if i needed to go back in France. this was kind of a first sign for me.

After, with the help of some of the people in the collective, i was able to see a psychologist. We spoke for a few hours, and he suggested, that i go back to Paris, since i had worked there before and was having a hard time finding work in Berlin, and he also said, i should experience Paris, on my own terms. Not because of of the girl who inspired me to come. It might help me, for my state of mind. since i always had an interest in French culture. Second sign.

Within the next few days, I received an email from my job. They had another, very good job offer for me, in Paris.

I had no other choice, but to go back.

So, i worked out a little plan, i would go to Paris, and work and visit the city like the doctor suggested. I had an artist friend, i wanted to include in my Berlin project, living in the south of France, so after Paris i would go visit with her. Her boyfriend was actually living in Paris at the time, so it was a good plan, with some good connections. Since, i didnt have a European bank account yet,i asked the friend if it was ok, if i could use her account, so that, by the time i arrived in the south, my money from work would be on her account. She said, was no problem, so i gave my company the new bank info.

While i was in Paris, the first time, i actually did a lot of work for this company, and the money went on the girl i came to see, on her account. The story was really so horrible between us, i just wrote it off, i knew i never see that money again.

So, as i was in Paris the second time, i actually did call this girl, to see about the money my job put on her account, it was a struggle to get an answer from her about this. Trying to contact her again, put a lot of stress on me again as well ..... So, at this time, i was staying with some friends of some French people who were living in the house in Berlin, they helped me find a place to stay in Paris, that was similar to the project in Berlin. One day, i actually had the girl , who had my money, on the phone. It was really just a bad conversation, had me really upset, because she basically said she was just going to keep the money. That day, i was walking back to where i was staying, and i just remember feeling really upset, because contacting this girl, put me back on square one, with my depression, i hadnt stopped drinking either, when i came back to Paris, the second time. At this moment, i was not drunk or anything. A moment came to me, because i saw something and something just reminded me of the man from India i had met in San Francisco years before, and i just felt myself asking, myself, but with an overwhelming energy inside of me,as if though i was answering a question being asked by the entire universe or whatever energy it is made up of,and with all of my my heart, i just remember at this moment, calling out .. with the words in my mind," i am tired of this heartbreak! i just really want to meet the one, whom i can trust, who can be my friend and my lover, that i can share a positive life with, if there is anything i hope for in this world, this is all what i honestly wish for."

It was a moment i will never forget.

I went back to place where i was staying. on this night, there was a party, a friend of mine who i was in touch with through music back in new york, was living in paris his whole life, just happened to be there this night to make music. So, although i was depressed over this girl, i decided i was going to go to this party in the project where i was staying. After nearly 12 years of being in contact with this artist, it was a real pleasure to actually meet him.

This very same night, i was actually coming out of my shell a bit, doing a lot of partying, and drinking .... and i remember, i met a woman, she struck me immediately.and i approached her. Unfortunately, i was a bit drunk when i met her, so i dont remember all about our first conversation. but i do remember this, we talked about Berlin. I told her that is where i was living, and that i lived in this certain place, WELL! as it turns out, she also used to live in Berlin, this is not so surprising, but GET THIS! 10 years prior, she was living in the same exact house where i was living in Berlin. The chances of that, seem really fantastic to me.This was certainly a sign, and it means alot to me even right at this moment, and this was about a year and 6 months ago, Well, one thing led to another, and coming out of the darkness of my mind of too much partying, i reallised i was alone in the room where i was sleeping, with this beautiful and really interesting woman. I have to admit, i am very highly sexually charged man, i think sex is one of the most beautifull things to experience in life. i have to say, that of all the women i have ever made love with, making love with this woman, was the most beautiful and satisfying i have ever experienced in my life. We made this all the night and all the next day.

Usually, when waking up with someone in this kind of situation, can seem awkward, i felt instantly comfortable near her, and i will never forget the first time i looked at her, with clear eyes, and i just felt she was the most beautiful woman i had ever seen, and not just because of the beauty of her physical features, even though she was also in a bit of a state, she was radiating something unique and beautiful from within.

We actually rode the metro together, back to her place, and we shared an interesting day together, and she invited me to her flat. I could tell, by just the pictures on her wall, and the vibe and energy of her place, that this was someone, i was going to be able to get along with very well, she is a kindred spirit. I felt immediately like i found a really good friend. We started to get to know one another....( just one moment, i just remembered something, the actual reason, i contacted that first girl from paris about, was because i needed the money, to travel to the south of france to visit my artist friend.) So, she knew i was visiting paris, and that i would be going to the south of france and then off to Brussels because i had to work there too, and after, i would be back in Berlin, to finish working on my project. So, she shared a part of her story with me. She is an artist, and she told me, that since she left Berlin, 10 years ago, that she got away from her art ... because of a bad love story, she told me this story, and it really was kind of heartbreaking to hear. So, since I was organizing a project for berlin, she understood this as some sort of sign ( we were already speaking the same language ) So, she told me, she was a bit nervous about, but she wanted to share her art with me ....when i saw what it was she was doing, i was astounded, amazed and really impressed. I liked what i she shared with me immediately, and the most signifigant point, is that i did not understand it completely, one of the things i appreciate about art and music is discovering things i have no idea about, and in the process i learn something new, she opened up a new door of discovery for me through her art, and we immediately started to talk about, she as a kind of intelligence and sensability, i can only be in awe of, and aesthetically it appealed to me ... it reminded me of other artist i really respect, and we were in tune with another at this point.

So, she also is a designer, for graphic design and she creates websites, and offered to make this for me for my project, i could not believe what was happening, it really was that my call out to the universe was being answered. We were sharing intamacy on levels i can not even begin to describe. She was taking me around Paris, and showing me the cool side and introducing me to her friends, all of whom are really interesting people. We were just having really fun! I was , for the first time in a very long time, genuinely happy.

I told her about my story, and she understood,so she said she would help me, travel around europe like i needed to, and offered to loan me the money for my train tickets, she really trusted me at the start. I couldnt belive it. She really put her trust in me.

So, this where things started to go wrong. One night,she took me to visit her friend, she told me about him and he was doing really interesting things in Paris, i actually met him the night i met her, but i didnt remember him very much, he did say i was a bit drunk. He is a nice guy and i understood that him and her, were really close friends. In this short time, i somehow managed to get jealous of him, here is where the problems really began. She did not really to me that they had once been together or anything, i just assumed this because of a story she told me about, with her and him, and some of their friends at a festival. it involved, her telling me, no one specific, but that at the festival, she went off into the wood to go have sex outdoors with her friend, i kind of put two and two together in my mind, and became paranoid it was him. My first mistake, i suppressed this notion, and really understood that this was all her life before she met me,so, how in the world, in such a short time, could a story like this, make me jealous. Well, one night, her and i went out together, and we both got really drunk, the next day when we woke up, she told me she was really pissed off at me , because, and i dont remember this, that i was really drunk giving her a hard time about whether or not she was really with her friend .... i sincerely apologised, and did not remember doing this. She forgave me, and after a few awkward moments, and we were back in tune with one another.

I went back to the place where i was staying for just a couple of days, and we were in touch by phone and internet. So, we still managed to find nice time together. even though she was working, she still managed to find time to make me a special dinner, we watched films together, we were both really getting along, really in a very nice and beautiful way, one night after her and i made love, she told me she wanted a baby, and that she wanted this for a very long time, instantly, i thought to myself i could do that , and when she told me this, i was not afraid.

One night, we were alone, and her friend,a long with some others, decided to drop by unannounced. They wanted to party with her, in her place, i felt a bit awkward, as i always do around new people, especially when i am not speaking their language. well this night, her friend made me paranoid, he said to me, " you know the first night, you went off with her, i was a bit jealous." I didnt ask him why, and i kept silent, i felt like it wasnt my place to say anything about this.he then went on to say, " i dont think its a big deal for you, she is making this with strange boys all the time, well..not all the time, but she does this a lot." I actually felt angry, and i was offended he would say this kind of thing about his friend. I just let it go and i did not ever say anything to her about this.

Well, we continued to have a nice time and then the day came when i had to go to the south of France, i dont remember exactly if i was going to go straight to Brussels after, or if i was gonna go back in paris and then to Brussels. In any case, her and i both agreed, we would just keep it easy with one another, no pressure and just that we knew we see eachother again eventually in Berlin, she even told me she was thinking of moving there, because two of her best friends in the world are still living there after she left 10 years ago.

So, i was sad to leave her, but excited to see a part of France i never saw before. So she was with me until i got in the car to goto the the train station, she gave me a little bag, of my favorite cakes and two cans of coke, she knows i really like the stuff. When i left for the train station, i looked at her, i said that i adore her, in my heart i was saying " i love you." and i meant it sincerely.

So, i arrived in the south. I met my artist friend, and things were cool, i was really missing my new friend, but i made the best of my time, there, until.

After more than a week, the money from my job did not appear on my friend who i was visiting, on her account. Oh no! what has happened? You guessed right, if you guessed that they ended up paying on the old account info of the terrible person, and this was going to cause huge problems, especially with my new friend back in Paris. Well, i called the company, they confirmed that they put it on the original account info, and this caused a problem, because they couldnt take the money back without the girls permission.

So, i tried calling the girl, and she just went on and on , how i actually owed her this money, that i was crazy and then she contacted the friend i was visiting and told her the same thing. My friend became suspicious of me, she isnt really very clever, and a drug addict, so it was far too much for her to deal with understanding this story, all she knew is that the money never came on her account.

Well, this lead to the two of us, having a falling out. and so i had to leave the south of france way before schedule. So, i had to call my new friend back in Paris, and explain to her this story of my money, i assured her that what i would do, is either make sure my job reimburse me, and have the money sent on her account. She was understanding and patient and agreed to help me out, she said it was ok, even if she had to work, if i came back to Paris, and stayed with her before i went to Brussels. This was an amazing display of understanding and compassion, because now it was getting weird with me and money, and really, it reminded me of some really bad story i had in the past with the others, because i am not usually good with money, but really this time, it was not my fault.

So, because my new friend had to buy me another ticket, back to paris, and another from paris to brussels, so that i could get to work ok, she did this, trusting me.

So, i arrived back in Paris for a few days. and went back to my new friend, i was an emotional wreck, because the last thing i wanted was for this money situation to get complicated between her and i.

So, because the woman who kept my money when she wasnt supposed to, freaked out my friend in the south, she somehow managed to get my new friends number, her boyfriend had it, because i gave it to him, in case he had a hard time getting in touch with me, because he is the one who gave me a ride to the train station before i went to the south. he gave it to his girlfriend.

well, she called my friend, freaking out to her, because she was confused about this story and that other woman, told her lies about me, that i was going around france manipulating women in order for them to support me financially. this was not true, but then after my new friend got this phone call, she got paranoid, and put an emotional distance between us, because of this story and from this phone call from my friend in the south.

well, in the end, the job didnt reimburse the money, i gave them my new friends bank account info, and i told her,, that any money i owe her, would go on her account from the job i was about to do in Brussels, she didnt like having to do this, because i was just supposed to give her back the money she loaned me, once it went on the account of my friend in the south. She was again giving me a full chance again, and trusted me.

well, to leave Paris, to goto Brussels, with this having happened, just set things off in the wrong direction between my new friend and i. I knew i really was falling in love with her, but she was feeling a bit skeptical about me, i could tell. But now, i had the project in Berlin to concentrate on which was also really important to my friend. before i left, i should have realised what was on the line now. I should have just gone to brussels with the intent on being sober, and really concentrating and being good with all the artist and people involved in my project. Everyone agreed, that what i was about to do was really promising, and i now had the inspiration and the love in my heart to see this come through.

Well, thats not what happened, when i went back to Berlin, i started again with the heavy drinking at the same time organizing this huge event. I was not doing this with a clear mind.

So, the stress started to build, and i was of course in touch with my friend she was doing the website for the event as well as the illustration for the promo material, and preparing her part of the exhibition. I was really missing her, and i was not being easy on her like she asked me to be, besides doing all this work for my project, purely out of support, she trusted me that i would be able to pay her something if the event made money. she also had her own life to sort out, she had to move flats, and deal with her jobs and she really had lots to do ...... at the same time, i was being extremely difficult on her, it was a combination of a lot of things, but it was at this time i should have snapped out of my bad state of mind, not go backwards, but forwards, to do the right thing, especially with her, so, i was emailing her, and calling her all the time, sometimes drunk , giving her a hard time, so finally before she arrived in berlin, she asked me to not be on her so much, to really try to be her friend. i promised her i would. this just made me absolutely miserable, because i made up some paranoid story in my mind about her. and before she even arrived in berlin, she was stillbeing very nice with me.

The day she called me when she arrived in Berlin, she really caught me at the worst moment possible, i was at the customs office dealing with customs about an art shipment, i didnt know if i was going to be able to have released to me, so, when she called, i was really nervous, and it must have sounded really bad the way i was on the phone.

I tried to explain her, so, she said she call me later on.

that evening i was so extremely busy, i actually, had to goto the exhibition hall and carry some art works there .... as i was arriving, there were some people waving to me from a car, i didnt know who it was so i ignored them, because i was really late with everything and in a big hurry.

i wold later that night find out it was her and her friends, i didnt know, i would have dropped everything and went over to the car and gave her the biggest hug i could.

so, bad timing and bad luck on that first moment for sure.

so, she sent me an sms, and asked what i was up to that evening, and i told her some other people and i might be going out somewhere, and she wanted to know where, because she said she really wanted to see me.

that night, we did meet, we were both exhausted, she just drove in a car from paris to berlin and i was just in the middle of a lot of work. so, we just said we see eachother the next day, which was actually the opening of the event, it was really good. i did manage to put something nice together, and everyone had an ok time, to a certain point.

something major failed, and at the end of the opening night, a lot of people were stressed and upset with me, since i was in charge of all. i am going to save all the details about this, but, i put myself in a very grave situation because of my business deal with the people who owned the space i was using. and this just was just a situation that during the two weeks of the event, grew into a huge mess, and the whole entire time, i kept exceeding and increasing my alcohol consumption. i just made a mess of myself and of everything.

with my friend, she actually stayed in Berlin for the two weeks, we saw eachother once in a while while she was there, but it was clear to me, that she didnt want to see me in a romantic sense anymore, we had to step out of that and see if we could even mange to still be friends after all of this. two things that happened while she was there, that i have to always think about. the day after the event, i got hit with another real bad situation with a friend with mental health issues that i had to deal with in the middle of all this mess, also, this same day, i had an sms from my friend, it said " i dont know what else to say, other than that i am with you."

the next day she called me to see what i was up to, she said she had some friends from her hometown in Alsace, playing music somewhere in Berlin, and when she found out where it was, she was gonna call me back and let me know, so i could meet up with her and her friends there.

that night she never called me back.

she later told me, that actually, that night, an artist, we both mutually know as amazing performed in Berlin, and that it was a great party, i didnt ask her, why she didnt call me back? i felt like it wasnt my place to ask her for any explanations ... i was full of fear of making her upset, and just trying to be very careful with how i was with her, i reallised a lot of the bad thing i done to her, and knew our relationship was very fragile at this point.

we had some really fun nights together in berlin, she even insisted on walking me home one night when we were out ...... and this was really a nice gesture she made towards me, but, when she walked me to the door, all i wanted to do was hold her and kiss her and tell her that i wanted to be with her and that i was really going to fix this mess i made and be good with myself from now on ..... i didnt even attempt to do that, i was very much afraid. and that was the beginning of the end.

the day before she left berlin, i called her , and i was really drunk again, and asked if tomorrow, i could take her to the airport and help her with her things, she said no. that night i proceeded to get so drunk that i woke up the next day reallising i was just putting myself in some sort of **** with my life.

when she got back to paris, she sent me an sms to let me know she arrived home safely. i just at that moment, knew, she was a beautiful gift, being a real friend to me, and i needed to really see the light of this situation and pull myself together, not just for her, but for myself, i realised this and i could not maintain this conviction.... i continued to keep drinking.

we were in touch a bit, christmas was coming, and i decided, that for the first time in more than 20 years, i was going to create a piece of art, and offer it to her as a gift.

i spent a few weeks, making her a sculpture and i sent it to her, by the time she responded to this, she said, she appreciated it, but that it made her uncomfortable, it was too much for someone to offer to someone else as a friend.

but, she still kept in touch with me, even though, she was having a really hard time at the moment, and i just wanted to find a way to be there for her, that would have meant, just leaving her alone in peace, she didnt cut me out of her life completely at this point, but she did need her own time and her own space and i didnt know how to be there for her like that, i did the opposite and was again too much overbearing with good intent but wrong way of going about it.

she still didnt give up on me.

well, a silver lining in the clouds as i was given an opprotunity of the possibility of making an exhibition in Brussels, and i invited her to participate, and this was a great opportunity for any artist, and once again, i had a brilliant idea, i also got an amazing contract from my job, and it was in lyon, in the south, near to Paris, and after i was to go do the same project in Bologna, Italy, things were starting to look up for me, and there was a 5 week break in between the jobs, the best idea for this, was to come to Paris, as it would be the best jumping off point, between Lyon and Bologna, and i was going to make great money, and also, the company asked if i was going to be difficult with the bank account info again this time, i wanted to be easy with my company, so i asked her if it was ok, for them to send this money on her account, it was a good idea, because i could reimburse her some money for the project in Berlin, and i was going to be in Paris anyway,so, once again, she was very cool to do this for me once again, she asked if it could please be the last time, i ask her for this consideration, at least i was able to keep this promise.

So, I was in Paris, again. I had been here for a few days only, and her friend, the one i told you about, in the beginning, he actually sent me an invite to his party, So, i called her, to see if she was going to go ... i actually had some gift for her from Lyon, she has a big interest in wine, and its a real tradition in her family, it is really great too, because she taught me a lot of about how to really look for a good bottle of wine, and i followed up on what she taught me, and i am getting pretty good about this. In any case, its just been a strong interest of mine, and actually when i worked in a wine shop in San Francisco, i was specifically interested in French Bordeaux Wine.

Well, back to this night .... i arrived at the party before she arrived, i was so nervous i could not sit still, i didnt know too many of the people at this party, besides her friend, and actually him and i had a bit of a nicer disposition with eachother now now. i met a nice person from Paris, at the party and struck up a conversation with him, we were in the middle of a conversation about Berlin, when she arrived. i had not seen her for a few months, and when she arrived she lit ip the room, like a candle, i was just looking at her, before she noticed me, and i just couldnt help but to think to myself, how beautiful she is.

Well, we sat down
ranjii ranjii
1 Response Jul 23, 2010

down together, and had some nice conversation .... she opened her gift, and really liked it, and said, this is nice, i will invite you to dinner in my place, so we can share it together. That was like music to my ears.<br />
<br />
So, we were hanging out together, someone came in the room, and it was a male friend of hers, at this point i did not know if she had a new boyfriend or anything. So, i was nervous about him, just because, the way they were with one another, he offered her a drink, and she turned him down and sat back down with me.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, this night did not go very well at all, i got extremely drunk and made a complete idiot of myself, in front of her and her friends, all of my insecurities must have come out.<br />
<br />
i woke up the next day feeling like a total lost cause, and phoned her later that evening to apologise. The worst part of this night, was that i called her at 5am in the morning drunk, and incoherent. She had to be at work that morning at 8am, so she was just in the middle of sleep when i called. <br />
<br />
To save the conversation her and i had, she actually once again, forgave me.<br />
<br />
This is where i should have began to see the light, but instead my drinking continued to get worse, i ended up losing my contract for my job in Bologna because i missed my flight. I was up all the night before, you guessed it, getting drunk. I didnt give myself the right amount of time to organize myself in the morning. and then i had to call her, because now i was broke, and there was still a bit of money of mine on her account, and well .... she met with me,and gave me a bit of cash, and this really had her upset.<br />
<br />
She should have cut the ties with me right then and there, but again, she was just concerned about me, and asked if i was ok.<br />
<br />
After this mess i made once again, i really started to look into my problem, i went to AA and decided just to stop drinking, but AA did not help me out at all, well it did a little, but i just had to do what i needed to do on my own, i am not judgemental of people, but i just couldnt understand the structure of how that which they offer actually helps people from not driniking, because honestly, the people just made me feel like to drink more.<br />
<br />
So, i began on the road to staying away from drinking. She had gone away for a while to work, and i was in touch with her off and on.<br />
<br />
There was a mutual friend of ours from Berlin, making a concert in Paris. I went, and she was there, we spent that night together, and we drank and had fun, nothing bad happened.<br />
<br />
Another night, we met up at an art exhibition of a friend of hers, we had a nice time there, then went to meet some of her friends in a restaraunt. it was the friends who i last saw at the party where i made a fool of myself, i actually took a moment to apologise to her friend, because he invited me and i caused the trouble, he said he actually was not as much as offended by my behavior as much as he was more concerned about me.<br />
<br />
i explained him, and just said to him, you know, i am just really in love with her, and he said, man, just be easy guy, that is all she wants and learn to be patient with her, like she is with you. learn to take your time.<br />
<br />
this was not what i expected to hear from him. well this night did get strange later on, and it was because she was a bit drunk, and made a bit of a scene at a nightclub where we were,but she was totally in the right, because the bouncer was being really rude to her, i know her well enough to know, that she would respect it more if i do not get involved in her battles, but that night i did have to get between her and the bouncer. After, we were walking home, it was too late for the metro, and i live on the other side of Paris, we were on the corner, and she said to me, i am sorry, i just can not invite you to my place and started to cry, i just held her for a moment, and said hey its ok, do not worry, i will get home safely. She was really upset that she couldnt invite me in her place to spend the night.<br />
<br />
Just at this moment, some kids were walking by us, drunk and having fun, a young man, offered me a rose, and i took it and gave it to her, the night bus came, and i was getting in, usually its just normal to give a kiss on the cheeks when you say goodnight to someone, this night, she offered me her lips, and we gave eachother a kiss goodnight this way.<br />
<br />
I was a bit confused by the kiss,but it was nice and i left it at that.<br />
<br />
we did not see eachother for a while since that night, she was away from Paris, again to work. When she came back, i hadnt any news from her. She saw me online one night, and asked if i could stop by her place, i had something in my flat she needed, and she just finished awebsite project and wanted to know if it was ok, for me to bring this book by for her, i said, ok, no problem.<br />
<br />
When i arrived, she invited me in. we had a tea together, i gave her some new exciting news, i had just been asked by a very reputable and nice place iin Paris, to organize a party and i asked her if she wanted to design the illustration for the flyer, she said yes. She had a dinner date with some friends this night, which was in the same direction i had to go on the metro, so we rode the metro together, just before i got off the train at my stop, i gave her a kiss on the cheeks and said good night, and as my back was to hers before the door opened, she rubbed my back in a nice way, like be good to yourself and i turned around and she was smiling. <br />
<br />
that was a good day. i didnt see her much, i tried calling to see if she wanted to pass the day with me in a park, another day i invited her to join me at an exhibition. she was all the time saying no.<br />
<br />
i was being easy, i had a DJ gig in the center of Paris, and i thought she was going to come, and she called me and aid she had gone out the night before, so we spoke on the phone, and i asked her if i was being too much on her with our friendship, she said no, then i asked her if i should back off because maybe she is dating someone, this made her upset and she got mad at me.<br />
<br />
So, after this conversation, we didnt speak for a while.<br />
<br />
i felt really bad, started seeking advice from friends, and everyone was saying i should just let her go. typical advice from people who have a typical point of view on such things, i even consulted a website about relationships, and told them a little about this story, but all i got was, i was obsessing over her, that i am a stalker and things like that. i realise i have some really deep emotional issues, i know that people who are sexually abused, come from broken families and basically suffer the way i have in my life, grow to have really signifigant relationship problems, i admit i suffer from obsessive love disorder, and my drunk behavior does not do anything to help all of this.<br />
<br />
last year, when she went to Berlin, she was reunited with friends she had not seen in a very long time. This led to her being invited to participate in an exhibition this year. This just happened recently. Before she had left, i wrote her a long email, because i again got drunk one night with some friends, this night, i was in a taxi on my way home, i wasnt bothering her or doing anything crazy with my friend, but when it came time to pay for the taxi, my friends bank card did not work, and i had no cash on me. So, we got out of the cab and just proceeded to walk away, not a good idea, the driver ran after us, and he cracked me over the head with a baton, this landed me in the hospital. My friend couldnt stay with me, so he called her at 6am to let her know what happened. She was really upset about this.<br />
<br />
i explained her when i called her when i got out of the hospital that i hadnt done really anything to deserve this man to put violence on me, so i apologised for my friend calling her so early in the morning, i did not ask him to do this. He knows her as well , and just thought she should know.<br />
<br />
Well, after this happened. I again was very strong willed just to stop drinking. We hadnt spoken i a while, but she answered my mail. She basically said we needed to take a break in our relationship, i was really sad for this, she said i need again some more time to be her friend and that she just didnt have time for this kind of thing in her life right now.<br />
<br />
i called her when i go this mail, and she told me she would call me back after the weekend. it was not a good time for her, she was actually at her sisters place in Alsace, and would be home on after the week-end.<br />
<br />
So, we did speak, she really was just angry, so i offered to still do the things necessary, in order for her to get the contract for making the illustration for the event i am doing in Paris, and not complicate the matter with my erractic behavior, it was a good opportunity for her, so in the end, after some consideration, she agreed to work with me for this.<br />
<br />
I felt like , this was my very last chance, so, i decided to completely quit drinking. and just keep the communication between us about this project she was really giving me one very last chance. and every thing was ok, i was feeling like i was really getting better with not drinking too much, for me its a real struggle to go one day without a drink, but i kept it up for more than a month. I was feeling good about myself.<br />
<br />
I had some important meeting at the place where i am doing this event, which for me, is a real turning point in my career, it involves some artist organization i have had much respect and admiration for since nearly 20 years. I was just grateful to have this golden opportunity happen. I handled her contract very well for her and was able to guarantee the price she was asking, which was quite difficult, so,it was a major step for me, because i was able to provide her assurance before she was to start the job. This is a growing step for me. and i feel that she is regaining a bit of trust in me.<br />
<br />
Well this night, there were some artist performing that really wanted to listen to perform. So, even though i rarely go outside the flat, let alone go to any kind of party, i just dont trust myself to do that at the moment, I decided to stay. I went through the better part of the night, refusing drink offers, just enjoying the music. Then, it happened, i had one drink, this led to many drinks, because people were offering me drinks and i just got caught in the flow of this, so by the time 9am rolled around, the party was over and i was a bit drunk, not too bad. I was in a room with some people, talking and i met a strange guy. Him and I started having a conversation about Berlin. He knows about the place where i live there, then he told me that he used to live in Berlin, 10 years ago, i was like, are you serious, and you know this place where i live in Berlin, he started to talk about the place, so then i just asked, i mentioned her artist name, and he was shocked, that i knew her, then i said not obly do i know her, we are not together, but she is the woman that i love. He then started to talk some crazy thing about her to me, and my friend who was with me, he got upset at what this guy was saying to me, and they got in a fight.<br />
<br />
I just could not belive this weird scenario was taking place, so this had me thinking about her, but i was not trying to call her but in the back of my mind i felt like she should know, when i got home, i was really late getting back, so i looked on my email. I had some work to do, and i really wanted to put me down to sleep, so i drank a few more glasses at home, big mistake, because i blacked out.<br />
<br />
I woke up the next day, and something in the back of my mind was telling me i tried to call her, and i looked at my phone, at i did. i dont remember having done this. i felt ruined, i finally arrived to make some sembelance of something good with her, and look what i did once gain. I was sick with myself.<br />
<br />
She emailed me and asked me. what was wrong with me, so i called her, she was so upset, she said that this phone call really upset her because i was just talking gibberish .... she said, thats it! were finished, so i asked, what about the illustration, should i find someone else? do u still wan tto make it, she said, she had to think about it, she called me back, and said, she was going to do this for me, but that i should go seek mental help, there is something very seriously wrong with me.<br />
<br />
So, yesterday, i had to deliver the check and the contract to her, we had not seen eachother for nearly two months, until yesterday. She told me yesterday, that this was the last time we were going to ever see eachother. when i left i offered her a hug, she pulled away from me. I had some gift to offer her, bu she refused this, and said that this was not a friend thing i was doing by giving her gifts, it was something else, i just dont know how to say that i am really sorry, but she has given me more chance than i should ever been afforded.<br />
<br />
i backed away, she said, look, dont worry, just really take care of yourself, and be good with you, then you can be good with the other person.i walked away crying slowly and my heart was just broken. I was just devistated once again.<br />
<br />
The most important thing i reallise as i am writing this, is that the moment i met her, is when i should have been able to find the strength and conviction to really change. Not now, knowing that she is really gone.<br />
<br />
i am so fortunate to have such a beautiful person come into my life, that i it was the real chance for me. I did nothing but destroy it, with my self destructive behavior, mainly due to drinking. I reallise there is other problem too. I am honestly working on this change at every moment of every day, and i just get weak sometimes, but i shouldnt, not knowing what i know about myself and especially knowing who she is.<br />
<br />
in the past i just let heartache escalate my bad habits, but this is what happened, last night after i left meeting her. I was feeling such a strong desire to drink, it was overwhelming, one of the gifts i had for her was a really nice bottle of wine, i walked up to some guys partying outside of a café, and i just put the bottle on their table, and said, take this away from me it has taken away the most important things from my life and i dont want that anymore.<br />
<br />
I still sat inside a bar, and it took some time for the bartender to ask me what i wanted, i was going to ask for a beer, but i just asked for soda water, i drank that, and sitting there, it just came to me, i just can never, ever drink another glass again. As i am here right at this very moment, i tell you with complete honesty, i never made that choice before when i felt like this. I always turned to getting drunk.<br />
<br />
I had been put to a true test last night, because i really had the ability to go out and do what i usually do, and it would have really just ruined every single last thing in my life.<br />
<br />
for the first time in my life, i didnt make that choice and i am doing it not for her, but for me, i have to change my way and i have to stick to it until the day i die and i do not know what tomorrow will bring, i just know what i have to do today.<br />
<br />
i woke up today, and it felt like, i have finally arrived to change with the world, it changed for me when she came into my life. it may be too late now, but i dont expect anything from her ..... i am just going to stay strong for me, she inspired this in me when she came into my life, it took me more than a year to finally come around, but i have arrived. i do not expect anything from her ..... i just want the very best for her all that she does in her life.<br />
<br />
she called me today, just to speak about something, i was really surprised, but its like she knows, without having to see me, what it is i am doing. we really do have some kind of connection in this way.<br />
<br />
alli know is that i truely love her, i continue to go on and on, taking her for granted and disrespecting her friendship she offers to me, i am not going to do that anymore, i will just let her be. and do the things i need to do for myself.<br />
<br />
she is in my heart and will always be.<br />
<br />
some kind of fate, laws of attraction however you might want to describe us, it happened, and if it is truely meant to be, it will bring is together again, i am not counting on that happening, but i am setting her completely free ........ we will always have the moon.

very interesting story... are you sober or still drinking?
do you think that she is the one the Indian guy was telling you about her?