This Is Hard To Talk About...

I always knew something was wrong. I have memories that span from three years old to last week. When you grow up in a house with a mother like mine you figure everyone's mother is like that. I always tried to keep a low profile so that she wouldn't turn on me the way she did my brother or my stepfather. I remember nasty comments she would make... comments that I didn't understand as a child were innapropriate to say. Everyday you never knew what you were going to get; Somedays she would be happy and other days enraged. honestly there is so much I could write about what happened to me growing up. Things that would make a person with a "normal" mom cry. I find when I hear myself verbally talking about it all it's just exhausting, especially looking at it all from a micro point-of-view. But too be honest I think this bulletin board will help me to learn to live with my past. So I will write the experiences I remember most. They won't always be cronological but hopefully sharing them will help someone out there.

My wedding:

I always thought after putting up with what I put up with (i.e. childhood) and not "complaining" like my older brother I would be rewarded. My mother has always had problems with my friends or boyfriends however I thought that being engaged would be different. After my boyfriend purposed to me I was so excited that I wanted to call someone to let them know. I knew that if I called my mother she would ruin my special moment and this (along with so many others) would be another sad, tramatic tale. So instead I called my best friend and told her. It was nice to get the type of response that I would see tv, one of excitment and well wishing. I waited 24 hours to tell my mother, something I knew I could not stahl too long, afterall my now fiance called my stepfather to ask for his permission to marry me. So the next day i called my mother and told her the news, her response "well of course he was going to purpose it valentines day weekend". 

I was engaged for 14 months and it was 14 months of hell. I received emails telling me about myself throughout the day and often at 2am or 3am in the morning. I became catholic so we could marry in the Catholic church (something that was important to my fiance and my family). I was raised in a christian house (if you call it that) however we were not religious, my mother was apparently Catholic (something we will never know is true or not). Well I received email after email about how we were using the Catholic religiou for our own sick and twisted ways. I would often receive religious quotes in the emails like "honor thy mother" along with pictures of saints she would copy and paste into it. They were very disturbing emails to get through out the day and early mornings. The program took 3 mos to finish and the night before east was when I was to take my first communion. Of course that happened to be the only night she wanted me and my fiance over for the family tradition of decorating easter eggs the night before easter (a family tradition we have not done since I was 11). She was enraged, she would send lengthy emails on how i was a horrible daughter and what type of a religion has you do this to your family. Then she would state that she had a cake for my communion and had plan to give me but now its all ruined cause I was not coming that night. I told her to save it for the next day, Easter Sunday when I will be there. Of course I knew she didn't have a cake nor had she done anything to celebrate it was another one of her lies to try and ruin things. If you continue to read my stories you will learn all to quickly about her tactics...

tinadanka tinadanka
31-35, F
May 17, 2010