Some Of Us Are Punching Bags, But Also Human Shields . . .

Can broken people make whole people? Or do we come out whole and then they break us and take pieces of us to try to make themselves whole? Suck us dry, turn us into raisins . . . leaving only a single steel chord of defiance, last and unbreakable piece, because as the role of leader and protector you cannot fail them. Even if they are only a few years younger than you, love won't let you regret taking that role full on. Provoking, moving the attention and the fists, the shoves, the spit, and the words towards you. Getting a high off it. "I've already reached my limit. The only way left to hurt me is through them, but you've fallen into my little spider web haven't you? Keep sending it to me, I WANT IT! Because then I win and you lose." I feel this dark power within me during, unstoppable, unbreakable, almighty power. Sometimes I think I need it to feel whole... Always ready for war, I look back on it now and I can see the eggshells I was stepping on as if they were tangible...because they felt tangible... but there is no shield for me and I dry up like a raisin and if I take any more on I"ll dry into dust, but I love you three so much so I'll take it, and grab it, and direct it like a 10ft bullet through my everything, I can take it, because I will myself too. I'm strong on purpose. But then you expect me to be immune? I protect you so I must be, right? No, but I love you so much, I'd kill all of myself for you, all three of you, over and over. But you don't see the toll on my soul, and you aren't flawless, you do act like children sometimes and you need to learn from your mistakes, i won't let her touch you, but you're not going to listen to me, because, what do i know? I'm the most socially undeveloped (but that's because I have the most memories, don't you see? it used to be worse), I can't understand (I agree, but I try), and I'm only a few years older than you anyway, and then she punishes you in a normal way, a way that would happen even if she wasn't manic depressive, something slight while she's still stable for however long, no tv, more chores... and you feel slighted because I didn't stop her, and you look at me like i failed you even though I'm a raisin, just for you, and that look breaks my heart, and that's the twist, that's the unexpected knife in the ribs, that turns me into dust...
LikeSteel LikeSteel
22-25, F
4 Responses Jul 16, 2012

This was perfect for describing how it feels. Thank you.

Thank you for writing this. I am going through a similar situation with my mom right now and I just can't deal with her inability to do things at times. Ditto about the siblings.

I wish I could give you a hug. Your first few sentences nailed it for me. My mother has bipolar disorder. That is exactly how I feel. You are a beautiful writer.

I love the way you wrote this. You are very talented. It's hard for people to understand the pain of others, especially siblings. They somehow feel that they have it worse or that you are speaking hyperbole. It seems like you are a good sister and one day they will see that.