Is There Any Way To Escape The Insanity??

I will try to keep this as short as possible, but with over 20 years of dealing with madness, there is so much to say...My older sister and I were raised solely by our mother. From the time I can remember, my mother had terrible anger issues. While on her bipolar 'highs', she was extremely loving, caring, happy, and nurturing. A very high functioning bipolar, she would have tons of energy and enjoyed being generous and spending money. Unfortunately these highs would quickly spiral without warning into the 'lows'. I was abused emotionally and often physically during these lows, and became terrified of my mother when I could see her mood changing. As a child, I didn't know anything was wrong with the way she acted. When I grew into a teenager, I became very rebellious. No longer would I cower in my room as she screamed at me for hours over something insignificant to the level-headed person. The truth was, I had become angry as well over all the years, and that, combined with the normal abundance of teenage hormones, was a recipe for disaster. My mother does not have the ability to see wrong in her actions, everything she has EVER done or said, no matter how ludicrous, can be justified in her mind. She has this ability to spin any situation into a tale where she is in the right for anything she did. The first time she kicked me out to the street was 12 years old. I'm sure she would have a proper excuse for that if you asked her. My teenage years were spend bounced back and forth between my mother and father. My father had his own set of problems, and was never fit to raise a child. I would always go back to my mom, after a couple months, or years; she would tell me how things would be different now that I had 'matured'. But things would never be different, no matter how old I got because It wasn't me who needed to change. At 17 I finally said no more! I graduated (with honors) early, and moved in with my boyfriend hours away. I was finally free. I realize now that I will never be free, not unless I cut off all contact with my mother forever. About a year ago, my mother once again began spinning a web of lies and justifying her actions. Throughout this whole confession I haven't used specific situations because I could go on for days about specific stories that would make you want to rip your hair out in frustration. I will however explain her most recent tirade. At 19 years old I became unexpectedly pregnant, and after deciding to keep the pregnancy, experienced a miscarriage. I was devastated and my mother was there for me emotionally which was really great. I made the mistake of telling her that the doctor had given me a couple (only 4) Oxycodon pills to take for the pain, which was excruciating. The pills really helped me with the pain, as well as numbing my mind temporarily so for a few hours I could relax and get some sleep. Afterwards she was very concerned about me, she kept going on and on about the changes I needed to make in my life to be 'healthier'. I needed to leave my partner, change my diet, move closer to home, see the doctor more often etc. I began to feel as though she was becoming too engaged in my life and respectfully told her that I needed to make my own choices and she needed to respect my space a bit more. This enraged her and after a fight, I didnt hear from her for a month (this was not an unusual event). To my surprise, my partner got a phone call from his family one day, freaking out because they had heard that we were Oxycodon drug addicts. Guess who! After investigating I came to learn that she had gone behind my back talking to all my close friends, family members and even contacting MY EMPLOYERS!! When confronting her about this betrayal, and utter embarrassment, I calmly explained that I was angry that she had done this and gotten everyone in our lives all worked up over a complete lie without even calling me once to see if what she thought was really happening. This once again, enraged her and sent her flying off into immature put-downs and more ridiculousness. I told her that this was it, and I didn't want her in my life any more if all she was going to do was bring negativity to the table. 7 months later she came crawling back, wanting a relationship and being the forgiving person I am, I accepted her back into my life. I have just realized recently that no matter how hard I try I cannot stop the fights, negativity, drama, and chaos that she creates all around her. The older she gets, the worse her mind becomes. I do not know how this story will end, or when I will finally remove her from my life permanently.
dramaforlife dramaforlife
6 Responses Jan 23, 2013

First off you must understand your mother loves you I can't explain why people that have bipolar are like this but they usually take it off to the people they love the most. Now my advice is that you try to get her medicated. I grew up with a person that has bipolar and it was hard I myself have it will get medical treatment if I have children in the future, or I will try not to have children.

This is a familiar story. I am 59 years old and my mother is 76 years old and it never stops ever.

Wow our stories are so similar... this brought me to tears and after 30 plus years of mental and psychological torture and physical as a child, I finally know I'm not alone and the steps I need to take

Wow. What can I say but wow. You are a strong strong person - and I put my hat off to you. I too have a mother who has been confirmed with bipolar, but does not take medication for this. There is 80% of your story that really mirrors my own life story - and I get that hopelessness and guilt that you feel about blocking your mother out of your life (especially when she comes to you in a manner of utter remorse) Your story has really moved me. I have gotten to the stage in my own life where I get anxiet attacks when my mother phones me - I just can't cope with her believing in her mind that I am incapable of living a life without her. I am 30 years old, and, because I keep quiet and look the other way when my mother goes into her spirals - I have become (in her mind) the only one who cares for her (she has 8 children). I hope your situation has become better. I realize on my side - it is not my fault - and not my own mental disorder that I am suffering from - I am surviving an unmedicated bipolar mother (who I love dearly). Sometimes its those who are closest to us that have the greatest advantage to kill us (emotionally, spiritually, physically). I thank you for your story, and pray that God gives you rest from the madness.

After I cut my mother off she made a visit to my mother in law and expressed her concern for her sons safety, because of my deteriorating mental state. Luckily they new me well enough and a few stories about my mother to know better. Unfortunately even that hideous invasion wasn't enough for me and I gave her another chance. It wasn't until she tried to sabotage my wedding and poisoned my dad with enough lies that i walked myself down the isle that I finally gave up on our relationship. Sometimes I feel guilty, but most of the time I live the life I deserve, drama free. There is no way to know when enough is enough...

Wow, you're story is very familiar with my own. Emotionally and physically abused, kicked out around 13, bounced around to alcoholic father (who eventually committed suicide) and my grandparents. I still have a relationship with my mother although always strained. I finally had the moment a couple months ago where she said something to me and it just clicked...I couldn't take it any longer and I could no longer carry her emotionally. Unfortunately I am also bipolar and wasn't diagnosed or on medication until two years ago (which took 1-1/2 years of that to even get the medication working well enough I wasn't still feeling like a person losing her mind). So being bipolar and trying to have a relationship with a mother who is bipolar and my abuser growing up....I'm just now trying to figure out where our relationship will go. She has no desire to seek help because she doesn't believe anything is wrong with her and that bipolar is not real and we have control over ourselves. I finally made the decision to write her doctor and tell him just because she is ALWAYS going to the doctor with issues and he's always sending her for bloodwork, CT scans, etc when it's ALL just symptoms of bipolar. I just roll my eyes and want to yell at her when she says stuff like "I don't know Why I don't sleep at night". It's maddening. I am one of the fortunate ones who have insight enough to use tools to help myself and know when I need a med change and I communicate with my husband when I'm not feeling how I need to feel.

Many (most) days I wish I did not have a relationship with her because it's such a heavy weight when I have my own emotions I have to carry. But it's hard when it's a parent. I can only start making strict boundaries and being honest with her instead and hoping she'll get help. If she wants a relationship with me, she must get help or it's not going to happen.

Thank you for sharing. If nothing else, it's nice to have someone who understands the weight that is carried emotionally and the trauma we've endured as children.