Is There Any Way To Escape The Insanity??
I will try to keep this as short as possible, but with over 20 years of dealing with madness, there is so much to say...My older sister and I were raised solely by our mother. From the time I can remember, my mother had terrible anger issues. While on her bipolar 'highs', she was extremely loving, caring, happy, and nurturing. A very high functioning bipolar, she would have tons of energy and enjoyed being generous and spending money. Unfortunately these highs would quickly spiral without warning into the 'lows'. I was abused emotionally and often physically during these lows, and became terrified of my mother when I could see her mood changing. As a child, I didn't know anything was wrong with the way she acted. When I grew into a teenager, I became very rebellious. No longer would I cower in my room as she screamed at me for hours over something insignificant to the level-headed person. The truth was, I had become angry as well over all the years, and that, combined with the normal abundance of teenage hormones, was a recipe for disaster. My mother does not have the ability to see wrong in her actions, everything she has EVER done or said, no matter how ludicrous, can be justified in her mind. She has this ability to spin any situation into a tale where she is in the right for anything she did. The first time she kicked me out to the street was 12 years old. I'm sure she would have a proper excuse for that if you asked her. My teenage years were spend bounced back and forth between my mother and father. My father had his own set of problems, and was never fit to raise a child. I would always go back to my mom, after a couple months, or years; she would tell me how things would be different now that I had 'matured'. But things would never be different, no matter how old I got because It wasn't me who needed to change. At 17 I finally said no more! I graduated (with honors) early, and moved in with my boyfriend hours away. I was finally free. I realize now that I will never be free, not unless I cut off all contact with my mother forever. About a year ago, my mother once again began spinning a web of lies and justifying her actions. Throughout this whole confession I haven't used specific situations because I could go on for days about specific stories that would make you want to rip your hair out in frustration. I will however explain her most recent tirade. At 19 years old I became unexpectedly pregnant, and after deciding to keep the pregnancy, experienced a miscarriage. I was devastated and my mother was there for me emotionally which was really great. I made the mistake of telling her that the doctor had given me a couple (only 4) Oxycodon pills to take for the pain, which was excruciating. The pills really helped me with the pain, as well as numbing my mind temporarily so for a few hours I could relax and get some sleep. Afterwards she was very concerned about me, she kept going on and on about the changes I needed to make in my life to be 'healthier'. I needed to leave my partner, change my diet, move closer to home, see the doctor more often etc. I began to feel as though she was becoming too engaged in my life and respectfully told her that I needed to make my own choices and she needed to respect my space a bit more. This enraged her and after a fight, I didnt hear from her for a month (this was not an unusual event). To my surprise, my partner got a phone call from his family one day, freaking out because they had heard that we were Oxycodon drug addicts. Guess who! After investigating I came to learn that she had gone behind my back talking to all my close friends, family members and even contacting MY EMPLOYERS!! When confronting her about this betrayal, and utter embarrassment, I calmly explained that I was angry that she had done this and gotten everyone in our lives all worked up over a complete lie without even calling me once to see if what she thought was really happening. This once again, enraged her and sent her flying off into immature put-downs and more ridiculousness. I told her that this was it, and I didn't want her in my life any more if all she was going to do was bring negativity to the table. 7 months later she came crawling back, wanting a relationship and being the forgiving person I am, I accepted her back into my life. I have just realized recently that no matter how hard I try I cannot stop the fights, negativity, drama, and chaos that she creates all around her. The older she gets, the worse her mind becomes. I do not know how this story will end, or when I will finally remove her from my life permanently.