Losing My Freedom

I'm 36 and married with a five and nine year old. Our marriage has been rocky to say the least. Last year was the worst as my husband confessed he was in love with a coworker. Of course he still loved me but just wasn't "in love" with me. We've gone to a counselor and had many ups and downs. Some days I feel like everything is fine and other days it seems like we are never going to patch things up. Anyway I missed my period end of December and am pregnant. I haven't been to the Dr. yet but I know all the signs I've gone through this twice before. I am just so upset. I felt like our family was complete. I'm feeling great and healthier than ever but now I just don't know what to do. This changes everything. I was planning a vacation in July but now I will be huge by that time. My youngest is about to go to kindergarten and I was happy that I would be able to go back to work and start earning some income but now... How am I supposed to fit three kids in this little apartment? I don't even think all their car seats will fit in the car at once. And breastfeeding? Sore nipples? Late night diaper changes? Neighbors complaining about the crying? All that baby equipment!? I have a bunch of stuff in storage and I hadn't ruled out having another child it's just that I wanted to work awhile first. I should have gone on the pill but since I have never taken birth control before and my other two were planned I just thought I wouldn't get pregnant. I am so mad at my husband for this. He drank too much that night and didn't pull out in time. He's been such a jerk too. Before all this and even before his emotional affair I asked him if he would consider getting a vasectomy but he pretty much said no he'd not even consider that I should get me tubes tied. Since we were having problems in the back of my mind I was thinking what if I remarry? What if I want more kids then? That's why I never wanted to do it. Well now it's too late. I hate to sound like a whiner but I'm just venting. I know I will love this baby. I don't ever want it to know it was unplanned. I'm just scared about the future and how or if this is going to work out.
saidanddone saidanddone
36-40, F
Jan 11, 2013