Life Sucks I Guess

I guess growing up, I never saw that life could ever really be hard. I know my mom talked about living in hardship when I was a year old, but I never remembered that, and I never remembered wanting anything that I needed. I guess I should be at least marginally grateful for that.

At the age of one, my mom and dad divorced. This alone causes a whole other drama. My mom says my dad cheated on her, and my dad says the same thing vise versa. I was always between the tug of war between my slightly strict, neat mother and my easy-going, gamer dad. I related more to my dad and could tell him anything and everything. About 3-4 years ago, I recall my dad telling me that my brother and I had to take 'a back-seat' when it came between us and his four kids he has with his second wife. And it hurt so much. He called me a kiss *** once because I didn't back talk to my step-dad and mom, who favored me over my selfish, resentful brother. When I was at my Dads, who I saw rarely, he wanted to spend time with my brother more. When I was at my mom's, my military step-dad and my brother would fight all the time. My home was, and still is, a very uncomfortable place to live in.

With my step-dad being in the military, we moved around, not too often, but we moved at a key point in my life, when I had just finished 4th grade. I moved from Georgia, to Louisiana. That decision changed my life forever. Being short, blonde, with glasses, and chubby, I was already slightly shunned from my new school, and after an argument with another classmate on Louisiana vs Georgia, I quickly became an undesirable person to be around. It got worst for my older brother, who was in 6th grade, and hung out with the wrong people. He swore a lot, got into fights (which became physical between him and my step dad) and he treated me cruelly, calling me fat and stupid. My self-consciousness went up, my self confidence went down, and I hit rock bottom. I started verbally sparring back with those kids who teased me by the end of my 6th grade year. I began swearing in 7th grade. I realized that if you could verbally spar and make myself look big to other kids, then they'd leave me alone. By the end of my 7th grade year, I had accomplished this, but at the price of sacrificing any chance of gaining new friends.

After adjusting to my new home, I shied away from my old, shy, friendly demeanor and became more blunt, outgoing, anger-venting and hateful. I couldn't, and still can't at times, trust anyone to talk to me without having to insult them back. Common phrases that were said to me, usually within 5 seconds, I could think of something hurtful to say back, even if what was said wasn't intended to be harmful. It's a switch I can't turn off. By freshman year in high school, I became invisible, and my best friends were slowly drifting away after seeing how cruel and harsh I could get. I never censored myself, and it bothered them. Then, at the end of freshman year, we got orders to move to Washington. I was elated. How I hated Louisiana.

When we moved to Washington, I met new people, kinder people, who treated me like a human being. But being in Louisiana changed me a lot. I could no longer revert to being nice and kind, and it hurt me a lot when making first impressions. I act immature, only mature when needed to, and I snap at people a lot and blow up in their faces. Small, insignificant things become emotional back-slaps and I drove away a lot of potential friends. Even now, my anger drove away probably the best friends I'd ever have in my teenage life. All because I can't keep my anger under control. I've tried anger management, I've tried to explain to people why I am the way I am, but nothing I do seems to work, even though they say they understand, they truly don't when one action leads to them abandoning me. My dad hasn't talked to me in a while, more concerned about his family than his first two kids.

I guess I have a lot of issues with childhood depression and abandonment issues, and though I talk to friends about them, it doesn't make me feel any better inside, and I have all this pent up hurt and anger and resentment issues that won't go away. I'm not close to any family members, because none live near me and my mom and I are so unalike. I feel like I have no one who can relate without trying to have a "who has the shittiest life" contest. I just want to find a way to make it all go away, and move on with my life, and get better. I can't just tell my parents I need therapy, because more than likely, they'll just think I'm being dramatic, or tell me to tell them what's going on. After my friends met them, they agreed with me. I am just so lost...
N0vaK0i N0vaK0i
22-25, F
May 21, 2012