Still

Still I have so much anger toward mostly my mother and ex-husband for all the pain they put me through over such a long period of time and still put me through today. That is why i don't speak to either one of them. I don't know how to diffuse the anger i have inside, its rage.

My mother makes me angry because she doesn't even understand where im coming from and never has. She never understands the way i feel and uses terms like, well life's not fair. Or changes the subject. That really hurts and she has done that all my life. Why is it so hard to ******* acknowledge how i feel and relate to it so that i can feel better, then maybe reflect on your own experience and what happen to you that makes you understand my situation or where im coming from and then say what you did to grow or resolve the issue or certain feelings that keep reappearing.

That is what i do when i mentor my children. Why didn't she do that for me? Why is she so ******* stupid and thinks some dumbass phrase is going to make me alright. I ****** hate her with a passion i swear. She is the biggest ******* flake i ****** know. Its amazing how she puts on a front always smiling like she's deleriously happy. What a ******* crock of ****. She acts as if she has no emotions and nothing can get to her and she's always said kill them with kindness. That is the stupidest ******* advice for real, i say if you're mad or don't like the way somebody is treating you then be assertive and act out or use your words how you really feel, instead of suppressing the anger and pretending it didn't get to you. In the long run all that does is damage your well-being your health. If somebody even gets me angry in the grocery store or takes my parking spot while they saw me waiting, oh its ******* on!

It may seem immature and childish, but i can't just stand idley by while somebody takes advantage of me and im sure as hell not going to kill them with ******* kindness and let them run over me.

Then what she does to let out the anger she supresses is it will come out at the oddest times about **** that isn't even that big a deal, or my poor older brother who has downs gets lashed out on for no ******* reason at all. She's a ******* syco lame *** ***** and i  hate her.

Even my Dad was like, please don't tell your mother any of your problems because she can't handle it. Thanks Dad, well im glad everyone is always concerned about her well-being and mine is not important. Thanks.

Now my anger i have towards my ex-husband is mainly because he was so selfish the 10 years we were together. He hurt me a lot that i still get a tinge of pain thinking about certain things he did to me, and its not that i try to remember its just sometimes certain things people say or something i see brings an image or situation to my head that happened and it taunts me. I never knew somebody could be so selfish until he showed me just how cruel and selfish he could be, never sparing my feelings or doing right by somebody that you love.

I was young, but i thought that since he felt the way i did and we were in love that i was blind to a lot of things, like that he felt unfulfilled and had to look other places, instead of talking to me about these things, he always acted like i should just know. Talk about reading somebody's mind, he was the worst at communicating. If i tried to talk about anything bothering me or anything that was on my mind he would always shut me down, usually because he was the one at fault is prolly why now that i think of it.

He didn't want to act like he did these things to me. He wanted me to pretend certain things never happened. All that did was force me to hide my pain and hurt unless i couldn't hold it in anymore then any discussion i would try to have would lead to violence.

I learned to appreciate a lot of things now that i didn't then, just because of what he put me through. I have learned to not expect anything from anyone or you will just end up dissapointed in the end. I have learned to read emotions without speaking. I have learned to hide mine because most of the time the other person will not value them anyways.

Even though i can understand my anger, sometimes i wish i could let it go and not let it take me over. I wish i could learn how to not be angry without alcohol or pain pills or sex, without a distraction i would like to know how to let this anger and sometimes rage go out of me, sometimes it feels like a demon in me that needs to be thrown out.

 

frosti frosti
31-35, F
12 Responses Mar 14, 2009

thanks for the comment. I do realize there are some sad things that happened in her upbringing that I wished I could go back and change for her, but that doesn't change our relationship or my emotions. They are valid real feelings that are still important. Just because she had a hard life and I know that doesn't mean some magical jeannie is gonna poof any anger I have away. Wish it was so easy.

i don't understand that i would rather have a good relationship than one that is so bad it affects my whole life for the worse.

It was obvious to me, and that was my answer. Death scares some people so much, though, that some would want crappy parents over none at all. Bizarre.

i would think the obvious answer would be great parents and lose them.

I'm sorry to hear that. I was fortunate enough to have very loving parents, but they are already dead. I'm thankful to have had my situation and not yours. I remember a question was asked on this website like that: would you rather have great parents and lose them or have terrible parents and still have them around?

truethat. it does cross my mind too when i see somebody mourning their parent dying, im like i wonder if im gonna feel that way or just be like the same. i would like to take care of it by her to acknowledge what i am saying when i do try to tell her how i feel about whatever...like i just got off the phone with her cause she called to talk to the boys and i never ever call her and haven't talk to her in like 6 months cause i usually screen my calls, but this time my oldest son picked it up before the machine picked it up so i was like oh well.<br />
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I was like well she doesn't want to talk to me anyways, just the boys then i heard my oldest son ask her if she wanted to talk to me like three times, so like obviously she doesn't want to talk to me either. Anyways, i got on the phone and tried to not act to down because usually when i have to talk to her i sound super depressed not cause i want to but just cause i really hate her and don't want to speak to her.<br />
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She thinks im like that all the time but i don't act that way around people who love me and are my friends or husband or kids. Anyways, ya she asked how things were going so i told her about how things are going and in the conversation i brought up how she doesn't need to answer any of my ex-husbands calls anymore because all he is trying to do is pump her for information about me.<br />
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Well she did what she usually does and changes the subject when its a sensitive subject for me. So once again there the anger starts to boil. Why is it so ******* hard to listen to me? All i was doing is letting her know where i stand about talking to him anymore because me and him have been at it in court so i wanted to make sure she isn't telling him everything under the ******* sun like always.<br />
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Then she actually lashed out this time and said well you still talked to him after your divorce, im like ya mom i have to talk to him we have kids together, i want you to stop talking to him and giving him information. I was glad she lashed out because i don't care if it leads to a fight i just want to get some **** straight and stop stabbing me in the ******* back.<br />
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She has even called cps on me just because i wouldn't let her finish home schooling my middle son not that long ago actually before i left san diego. Who ******* calls cps on their own daughter? i mean unless the kids are really in danger, but she did it out of anger towards me because i refused to finish letting her homeschool him because of an issue at the public school that happened that she went to the meeting for while i was at work.<br />
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Well that is another story but long story short, she didn't care about where i stood on the issue and just let my son get a lie put on his record so she could homeschool him. I don't see why its so hard to take your daughters side whatever she decides about her own ******* kids and not undermine me as a parent. Well this isn't the first time she has stabbed me in the back either.<br />
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She turned on me after i got my divorce and got a dui and my ex had the kids for 6 months cause he took them from me and his new wife became my mother's best friend and i her enemy. At one of the lowest points in my life she turned on me when i needed her the most. I still and never will trust her again. I hate her with a passion and cannot imagine continuing even a phone relationship with her. I will be able to rest easy when she is dead.

Understandable. With any luck you'll find a way to come to peace with it before your mom is ready to pass away. Too many times these parent child relationships with problems are not resolved until one is on their deathbed.

You know Vendetta i wish i could just accept that they did the best they could and just let it go, if it was that easy i would have already done it.

Ya i do want to let it go, and i try but it is justified. I would love to believe that he gave me too much credit, but this is a man that had no reason to not trust me. he was always suspicious of everybody, not just me, but he always thinks that everyone is up to something and he so smart and can catch them or in most cases accuse them.<br />
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I wish he did give me some ****** credit that'd be nice. I don't get how he noticed that my mother was so fragile and us kids are just ob<x>jects or something with no emotion. Im sure he prolly see's that now, although i think he just tried to do what he felt was his job like working and paying the bills and all and left the emotional part to my mother, which im sure he realized wasn't what she had to offer. <br />
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My mother was loving, but when you reach the age where I needed the emotional support and it wasn't there, it totally shapes you as a person. Just because you're fed and clothed does not mean you have the necessities. There are many emotional necessities and mental wellness that is required to function normally in this world and make it through each day.<br />
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I love my parents from a distance, but i still have a lot of pain and rage for the stuff that was ignored and left for me to crawl inside myself and go insane. It wasn't fair. I don't tell you all this cause i think that somebody on here can solve all my problems, but if anyone has insight on how to forgive and let anger stop taking a hold of me it would be nice to know how to go about that down that path.<br />
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I have tried. I have rage that is just been wired in me while growing up. I too was forced to supress emotions when growing up because i was 1. Scared to show any emotions that were not acceptable at home because of my dad. I feared him so that was one reason i supressed a lot from him, but when he was gone i would run to my mom to try and deal with that and she was no help.<br />
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She would go and tell my Dad and then i would get in trouble for bringing up anything that may of disturbed him.<br />
I remember the physical part of actually supressing rage. I would pace in my room with so much energy just like i wanted to explode, walking back and fourth until i got calmed down. That rage i had to turn into myself, because it wasn't aloud to be expressed in my house.<br />
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That is why i had anorexia, that is why i have depression, that is why a lot of things having to do with my emotional state were not good and has been my life project to fix myself. I have come a long way and it used to be so important to me to figure the things out that i never got help with to improve myself. I don't know why it was so important but it was.<br />
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What ive been through has shaped who i am and self ex<x>pression has always been important to me just knowing how important it is for one to figure out who they are and be comfortable with it, no matter what has happened to you, i feel this is an achievable goal.<br />
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Anyways, thanks for listening and im glad to be always learning on this site, cause hopefully its one step closer to a healthy emotional mental state and well being.

Well I'm no psychologist, but that's just my take given this quick glimpse of what you've been through. Another thing to consider is that your dad might be giving you too much credit, meaning that perhaps he was trying to protect your mom from things that he knew she was too fragile to handle adequately, and at the same time thinking that you on the other hand was strong enough to deal with your problems. Again, a complete guess based on the little I know. <br />
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But you'll notice that I'm trying to present you with positive spins or takes on their motivations and actions. I might be completely wrong, and your anger may be completely justified. I'm just telling you that your anger is hurting you and not helping. I know it's not easy to let anger go, but sometimes acknowledging that your anger you can't let go is only hurting yourself further is a step in the direction of being able to let it go. <br />
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Good luck.

Thanks for your opinion based on this story i do appreciate it. I do realize that it is a survival mechanism for my mother, but that doesn't replace the gap of or lack of seeing eye to eye or just being able to have a functional relationship. To me this is common sense.<br />
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To her it is foreign. I may accept that she is this way because that is the best way she knows how to cope, i realize that, but that does not get rid of my anger for not providing me with what i needed for well being also. Emotionally. I have tried to express myself which i was no good at when i was younger, I would try to relay to her what i was going through and then she made a list about our strengths and weaknesses and posted them on the fridge and one of my weaknesses was that i complain too much. So my feelings to her are complaints. That is hurtful. Why aren't they valid feelings that everyone has felt at one time or another. Why did she have to make me feel isolated and alone.<br />
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Why did my father always show concern about her well being and not mine. He always did that. He was always so worried about her being overloaded with emotions about things and how she handles them and always felt he needed to protect her about that. What about me? Was i just born with all this know how that she somehow didn't get. Why wasn't my well being important also.<br />
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I remember after my pathetic suicide attempts asking my mother if i could see a therapist, and her reply. We can't afford it. Which was a lie. How can somebody think ignoring problems like that will get better ignoring them? To me that is just obvious they won't get better if you ignore them. Sure its not fun to deal with serious issues like that concerning your child and you wonder how did it get like this, she can't be serious?<br />
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Once you deal with a problem and face it though, that is really the toughest part, after that whatever you do should improve. Even discussing it with a counsler or a family meeting and bringing it out in the open with family members is more theraputic then sweeping it under the rug and acting like there is no importance. You are bascially telling that person **** you who cares when you ignore or change the subject or make excuses to not care.<br />
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I have to much anger to just let **** like that go, especially because there were so many times i needed her and she was too stupid to know how to be there. You want to know who pays for that, me.

There's a lot to absorb in this story. <br />
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As an outsider I can see both sides with your relationship with your mom. There's nothing wrong with a child wanting/needing an emotional connection with their parents, and wanting/needing both sympathy and understanding. So it must be incredibly frustrating for you since you feel cheated of any help from your mom, and your dad's actions are also aggravating because you view it as him placing your mom's well being ahead of your own. <br />
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However, not all people are able to do all things, and based on this story alone it seems like your mom is a person that is not comfortable in those types of emotional connections. Hence the putting on a front and smiling to cover any problems, and uttering banal optimistic phrases which don't do anything but cover up inconvenient realities. But for someone that isn't able to have the type of emotional connection you want with her, this front is a survival mechanism which she probably thinks is helpful. After all, she is being optimistic and happy and not dragging others down. In her mind, she may be doing the best she can to help...and it's unfortunately the exact wrong thing that you want. And if I were you I would confront her if she tries to lash out at your brother, that is not acceptable. <br />
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Again, with your dad, he may be honestly trying to make the most of a bad situation, not realizing how you are viewing it as him taking her side and not looking out for you. In his mind, he might look at his advice as truly being looking out for you. <br />
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You can't rely on your parents sympathy and empathy to make you feel better. It would be nice, but I think you have to realize their limitations and try to find another way to connect. <br />
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You write:<br />
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"I have learned to not expect anything from anyone or you will just end up dissapointed in the end."<br />
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That's too bad. I would recommend that you don't give up hope in people. Despite my cynicism in different areas and the fact that I'm a misanthrope, I still view hope in people as a good thing. I always hope for the best and stay prepared for the worst, that way I keep myself from getting too high on expectations or falling too low in disappointment. <br />
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"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."