Don't Know What To Think

I've never gone to a doctor or a therapist, but I think I have a nervous disorder or maybe something else, but I don't want to make conclusions out of thin air. I just know that when I get mad, I mean really mad, I'm uncontrollable. I start screaming really loud, as if trying to prove that I'm right, so that people can hear me. I don't believe that I can harm anyone, but when I get mad, I'm pretty sure I'm capable of anything. I'm especially angered when people try to calm me down or touch me when I'm mad, I can easily hit someone, not even understanding the impact of my strength, I can throw things, hit a wall etc. Sometimes I'm scared of myself when I get mad around other people, so I try to hold myself back, but I can't. This mainly happens when I'm in my depression status in life. Which is the other part of my life. I can be really happy, everything can be going really well, but something can turn it all around, like if I'm sitting by myself and I start thinking (this mostly happens when I'm alone) I understand that everything is wrong, I can't fix anything, I hate everyone, I hate life, I'm nothing. And these are some awful things to think about, especially when no one understands how you feel. Everyone thinks that I'm just an unstable person and I do this on purpose, so that people can hear me, so I can let it be known that I'm right. And from one side that's exactly how I feel: I want people to understand, I want to be heard, but by saying that I'm like that and pointing out my flaws, I get even more defensive, besides, I would never do this on purpose, because I hate what I become when I'm in this state. Anyway, sometimes it's hard to deal with emotional stress, especially when you don't know what's really up with you. I tried looking at some of the symptoms for personality disorders and I started to think that one of them matched how I felt, but then I'm too afraid to see a doctor or a therapist, cause sometimes they make you feel in more handicapped with your own problem and I don't want to feel that way ...
noNAMEblogger noNAMEblogger
18-21, F
3 Responses Jul 15, 2010

i hear you. i think you should go to the dr. im so not a dr person, trust me. but you sound like me. i have been able to start comtroling sometimes. im acually about 15-20 percent good now. **** i use to and sometimes still think i am tryin to get attention. but the anger. thats and confusion is the worst for me. i am bipolor and borderline personality disorder so i am scared of being rejected and abandonded on top of fighting the feelings of sad, mad, pissed, happy, excited, embarressed. or they go with thoughts and actions that they should. and that confuses me and it just blows up! i get so mad i pull my hair. i want to change because i also hate myself when i am like this. <br />
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my advise is to get help first. then or if you cant get help, excersize, eat healthy, and sleep 8-10 hours. maybe just see if these things work. <br />
i started school for nursing and learned that its chmicals in the brain that are not getting enough chmicals to the right places that controls moods and thinking. so sleeping with no waking up will repair it to a good % so you day is easier. so with food that is healthy your body is healthy and that is realxing to the body, excersize to active chemicals to make you just energy and truly feelings of happy ness take over me. the exersing exsausts your body so you will sleep better. hope this helped. if ya need anything just write

hi!, i can so relate to you. i have bi polar so that is the cause of my up and down. i like to break something of mine to hurt myself when i am so upset that i cant handle it. i picked up a plastic filing cabinet andt threew it accross the room. when my daughter died,it was like that last straw. when the pain is more that i can bear,well i have kinda punched the wall and ended up hurting myself, butis funny i didnt feel it. when i accidently bump myself, i'm like owww. and it made me think thats not good. and i dont do it for attention, in fact i would rather no one knew. life is just too painful sometimes. i was reading your profile, u sound like a really cool person. talk to you i hope sometime.<br />
bye for now

You need to know what causes you to lose control so easily and the feelings you have when this happens and that's what the doctor is for. You don't have to be able to sum up a diagnosis before you visit one, you merely need to tell the doctor what you said here. There are some bad doctors, but most of them are qualified. They can help you and I feel you should give it a try.