Breaking The Bonds Of Anhedonia?I used to have feelings, until I experienced several years of relentless traumas. Then I went into a depression (PTSD) in which I spent three years in bed. 8 years ago today, I went on disability leave and much to my disbelief, I'm still on it. I feel (i.e., think - I rarely feel emotions) broken. I cried only once in 8 years, and this was while in a deep hallucinogenic state on ayahuasca. I am doing everything I can think of to break the bonds of this apathy. Medicines have not helped - I've been on eleven - and so I went to Peru to try ayahuasca, whose "effect' has reputedly cured many people of depression. It didn't help me, though it sure felt good to cry for a change. I engage in extreme sports activities, and travel to unusual places, both things that most people would find enthralling. When I'm there, actually doing it, the best I can say is that I forget that I don't feel anything. It's nice to forget that you're broken once in a while. But while I'm home, I can barely do necessary things. My house is falling down around me. Housekeeping is nonexistent.
I see a therapist every two weeks, and saw a psychiatrist while I was being medicated. I've had two MDs who screwed up my prescrptions, and one couldn't remember my name or story. The only things I manage to get done are small intellectual projects. This works until something goes wrong. Then my interests simply stops. Examples of things going wrong are having to send a payment and not being able to find stamps. That sends me back to bed.
I won't go on with details .... I am a nice guy, little or no drama, learning to live a peaceful, simple life. I have no regrets about my situation - right now - but am concenred that if this anhedonia ever breaks, what will happen then? Has anyone here ever found a way out of your anhedonia? Wat happened?
wfbach 56-60 3 Responses 0 Apr 6, 2011