Breaking The Bonds Of Anhedonia?

I used to have feelings, until I experienced several years of relentless traumas.  Then I went into a depression (PTSD) in which I spent three years in bed.  8 years ago today, I went on disability leave and much to my disbelief, I'm still on it.   I feel (i.e., think - I rarely feel emotions) broken.  I cried only once in 8 years, and this was while in a deep hallucinogenic state on ayahuasca.  I am doing everything I can think of to break the bonds of this apathy.  Medicines have not helped - I've been on eleven - and so I went to Peru to try ayahuasca, whose "effect' has reputedly cured many people of depression.  It didn't help me, though it sure felt good to cry for a change.  I engage in extreme sports activities, and travel to unusual places, both things that most people would find enthralling. When I'm there, actually doing it, the best I can say is that I forget that I don't feel anything.  It's nice to forget that you're broken once in a while.  But while I'm home, I can barely do necessary things.  My house is falling down around me.  Housekeeping is nonexistent. 

I see a therapist every two weeks, and saw a psychiatrist while I was being medicated.  I've had two MDs who screwed up my prescrptions, and one couldn't remember my name or story.  The only things I manage to get done are small intellectual projects.  This works until something goes wrong.  Then my interests simply stops.  Examples of things going wrong are having to send a payment and not being able to find stamps.  That sends me back to bed.

I won't go on with details .... I am a nice guy, little or no drama, learning to live a peaceful, simple life.  I have no regrets about my situation  - right now -  but am concenred that if this anhedonia ever breaks, what will happen then?  Has anyone here ever found a way out of your anhedonia?  Wat happened?
wfbach wfbach
3 Responses Apr 6, 2011

I'd hate to say it but after years of trying different meds I went back to the only thing that made me enjoy life as a youth - marijuana.

I don't say this lightly - but it did work.

Good luck! I hope you find what you're looking for.

And four years in, and still haven't found a way out. I often wonder how many people ever get out, how many stay prisoner for life. But the people that post their stories never come back to let us know.

No regrets? Really?