I Keep Forgetting ThisI keep forgetting what I am really trying to fix >_<
This insidious poison has a name (anhedonia) and Knowing Thy Enemy is part 1 of getting better, but I keep forgetting that I am anhedonic in the first place. Whenever Aunt Flo makes an appearance, my hormones boost me to the point where I can't even believe anything is wrong with me.
Well, something is wrong enough that I don't give a sh*t about anything, and nothing feels good for 2 weeks solid out of every month, isn't that enough of a sign!? (Not for me....)
I need so much stimulation just to smile in that half of the month that I keep ending up back to square 1, thinking "this is the way the world is", "people are boring", "everything's boring", "there's no reason to do anything", "why waste so much time on a game?"
"Why learn a new programming language?"
"Why would I want to volunteer?"
"Why is my relationship so crappy?"
"Why does money rule the world, this world sucks."
"Why are people so dumb?"
"Life is boring and pointless, why not just kill myself and get on with whatever comes next?" (said matter-of-factly, without the slightest tinge of sadness).
... Even though the other half of the month, everything is genuinely peachy, and I am who I want to be....
- I can't remember why I felt so bad.
- My husband is just fine.
- Things become somewhat interesting again
- I become hopeful that I will be able to set some life goals and stick to them
- I become hopeful that the worst is behind me
- I can sincerely laugh and find pleasure in food, sex, meeting with friends, meeting new people
In that half-month, I restart trying to be the best human being I can be, because I actually get feedback from my actions.
The world is fine the way it is... That's what I want to believe, and I believe it half the time.
People have their ups and downs, that's normal.
No relationship is a bed of roses all the time, that's normal. (Mine is more than half the time except when I'm actively trying to poison it, or I require hubby to be Superman.... I am no superwoman, who am I kidding? =P Humility!)
Barring deep brain stimulation (I am not getting holes drilled in my head for an experimental procedure), I am still reliant on dietary control of my mood. I suppose I'll have to add 5-HTP back in the mix for the worst days.
But what I need first and foremost is to remember that I am fighting not feeling anything good most of the time. Getting out of this situation is my clear goal. I just keep forgetting.
I've done so much drilling into my psyche already, and I'm there half the time... it's the other half that sucks and sets me back three weeks. One step forward, two steps back. (Sometimes).
I am just a little tired of having to hit rock bottom every month before I find my way back up. >=/
Doing this all alone is hard. I guess that's why I'm posting this story.
I don't want to be stuck in a colorless world my whole life.
Wonderatrix 31-35, F 5 Responses 1 Nov 12, 2011