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MMmm where to start?

I think I may be more screwed up than I thought I was.
Getting no pleasure in life seems impossible.
Truthfully there is very little that makes me smile anymore.
And that is just wrong.
I know I have things to smile about... but just can't smile for real anymore.

I just feel so nothing, numb, lost, bored, anxious, tired, impatient and today I got weird looks which made me so uncomfortable. I just don't want to go any where or do anything.

I am happy with my own company and don't need to be made to feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes I even feel uncomfortable in my own home.
Sounds weird, I know but I just do.

Add all my issues together and the puzzle just dosen't add up.
There is just something missing and wrong.

for instance : I took my kids down to a beautiful little creek area. A secret spot, secculded from the world and so pretty. But the whole time I was there with them I just wanted to go home :(.
That just dosen't seem right to me.

Is it possible to even be bored of yourself?

I keep myself busy, I run around, but that is the depth of me at the moment there is no more feeling about anything.

I just feel like I have been squashed and can't even be bothered to pick myself up anymore.
melissamel melissamel 36-40, F 3 Responses Nov 22, 2011

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Wow. Thank you for your heartfelt musings. I and relate so much. As a child, I felt mesmerized by the world, in wonder of things. Now, I feel dead. Life is disappointing so don't bother being excited... you will just be so disappointed...

Look at us - Such inner conflict!!<br />
<br />
I just got diagnosed with fibromyalgia - a neruroligical disorder where you are too hyper sensitive to pain, noise, light, vibrations.<br />
<br />
Perhaps we are bored with ourselves as we notice the tiniest things?<br />
Get sick of thinge too easily as we feel deeply..<br />
<br />
I don't know... just ranting and officially mentally imbalanced now :(

Hi Mel,<br />
<br />
How long have you felt like this? I reckon I've had anhedonia some 20 years or more. It's apparently a prime symptom for depression, but I haven't found out if you can have it without depression. But yes, I have that too, though it's not so bad at the moment.<br />
<br />
For me, I think it came from each and every happy moment over some years, either coming at a cost or ending in disappointment. Of course, there's a lot more to it though. <br />
<br />
I too prefer my own company and when in social situations I just want to go home. And like you, I don't feel comfortable in my own home at times. Once in a while I'll go away for a weekend, just to be by myself.<br />
<br />
Possibly the only time I get anything that feels like pleasure these days is from writing - oh, and watching Big Bang Theory.. lol<br />
<br />
I don't look forward to sex anymore because I know that afterwards I'll feel like I must have missed something. <br />
<br />
I find myself wistfully looking for some sort of adventure, but the adventures I seek would cause too much drama, which I only adds to the problem. <br />
<br />
The Internet is a good place to live vicariously. Sometimes that helps<br />
<br />
Anyhoo.. you're not alone.

I could have written this about myself. What the heck is wrong with us? I have been treated for depression for 20 years, they ask me how it's going and I say good/great. It's because compared to others I'm not so bad off. I just have no desire, passion or care for anything. I worry about people judging me ALL THE TIME. While I drive, in the store, my husband, my kids. What is my problem? I know I'm a pretty neato person but why can;t other's see it? Why do I need their approval? Ugh, I am so sick of not doing what I want to do and not understanding why I can't just do it.

Thanks for replying! nice to know i am not alone in these complicated thoughts!