What Title

MMmm where to start?

I think I may be more screwed up than I thought I was.
Getting no pleasure in life seems impossible.
Truthfully there is very little that makes me smile anymore.
And that is just wrong.
I know I have things to smile about... but just can't smile for real anymore.

I just feel so nothing, numb, lost, bored, anxious, tired, impatient and today I got weird looks which made me so uncomfortable. I just don't want to go any where or do anything.

I am happy with my own company and don't need to be made to feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes I even feel uncomfortable in my own home.
Sounds weird, I know but I just do.

Add all my issues together and the puzzle just dosen't add up.
There is just something missing and wrong.

for instance : I took my kids down to a beautiful little creek area. A secret spot, secculded from the world and so pretty. But the whole time I was there with them I just wanted to go home :(.
That just dosen't seem right to me.

Is it possible to even be bored of yourself?

I keep myself busy, I run around, but that is the depth of me at the moment there is no more feeling about anything.

I just feel like I have been squashed and can't even be bothered to pick myself up anymore.
melissamel melissamel 36-40, F 3 Responses Nov 22, 2011

Your Response


Wow. Thank you for your heartfelt musings. I and relate so much. As a child, I felt mesmerized by the world, in wonder of things. Now, I feel dead. Life is disappointing so don't bother being excited... you will just be so disappointed...

Look at us - Such inner conflict!!

I just got diagnosed with fibromyalgia - a neruroligical disorder where you are too hyper sensitive to pain, noise, light, vibrations.

Perhaps we are bored with ourselves as we notice the tiniest things?

Get sick of thinge too easily as we feel deeply..

I don't know... just ranting and officially mentally imbalanced now :(

Hi Mel,

How long have you felt like this? I reckon I've had anhedonia some 20 years or more. It's apparently a prime symptom for depression, but I haven't found out if you can have it without depression. But yes, I have that too, though it's not so bad at the moment.

For me, I think it came from each and every happy moment over some years, either coming at a cost or ending in disappointment. Of course, there's a lot more to it though.

I too prefer my own company and when in social situations I just want to go home. And like you, I don't feel comfortable in my own home at times. Once in a while I'll go away for a weekend, just to be by myself.

Possibly the only time I get anything that feels like pleasure these days is from writing - oh, and watching Big Bang Theory.. lol

I don't look forward to sex anymore because I know that afterwards I'll feel like I must have missed something.

I find myself wistfully looking for some sort of adventure, but the adventures I seek would cause too much drama, which I only adds to the problem.

The Internet is a good place to live vicariously. Sometimes that helps

Anyhoo.. you're not alone.

I could have written this about myself. What the heck is wrong with us? I have been treated for depression for 20 years, they ask me how it's going and I say good/great. It's because compared to others I'm not so bad off. I just have no desire, passion or care for anything. I worry about people judging me ALL THE TIME. While I drive, in the store, my husband, my kids. What is my problem? I know I'm a pretty neato person but why can;t other's see it? Why do I need their approval? Ugh, I am so sick of not doing what I want to do and not understanding why I can't just do it.

Thanks for replying! nice to know i am not alone in these complicated thoughts!