Anhedonia Sucks

I've had anhedonia for about a year now..I've known for quite some time.
At first it was just (a mild, chronic) depression (called dysthymia which I later learned I had). I'm only thirteen, and I've felt bad since the end of grade six. It wasn't bad, I didn't have too much of a problem with it. Grade five my dad passed away. The beginning of grade five, when it happened, I was grieving but I put it under a lock and key and forgot about it. The rest of the year was normal.
Then sometime in the beginning of grade seven, I guess I just developed it over time. Over the course of the year I started to gradually feel worse and worse. No one knew what was wrong with me, including me.
Anhedonia is the inability to feel pleasure in activities you used to enjoy, but after I developed it I blamed it for all my problems. The lack of emotion, the harder it would be to beat depression, the constant feeling of emptiness I can never shake myself out of, etc.
By the end of the year I was a mess. In the first few months after New Year's I've later learned I had/have social anxiety disorder, and the constant bad feeling I had in the summer of grade three was probably anxiety.
Anyways, after suffering most of the year of the empty feeling, the constant anxiety when I was around my peers, and the never ending sadness I decided to do something about it. After telling my mom countless times over about the emptiness and it being 'just a phase' I did my research. It took me awhile, but I finally came up with a strange yet fitting word: anhedonia. Was this the thing that caused me so much misery? After searching up the word it sounded like me, all right.
I told my mom I wanted to go to the therapist my sister went for sleeping anxiety, and in the beginning of July 2012, I did.
I told her my situation and she thought I had anhedonia, and depression.
Now it's December 2012, and I've come far. Still have the empty feeling, but it's bearable now. Now my (ex) 'best friend' is in another class and doesn't bully me.
Even though I can't feel it, my mind is different. I can tell I WILL be free of this emotionless prison.
I won't be the anti social loser at school, I shall be the weird and adventurous kid I was in grade five! (Grade six I was a follower to my 'best friend'.)

To those who are reading this who don't have anhedonia, let me explain what it's like, at least for me.
But first I want to point out I'm not lying about my age, I'm just mature, I guess. And apparently a good writer. At least, that's what they tell me.
Anyways...

It's horrible. The waves of sadness always seem to engulf me, even when I'm on the shore.
While other girls in my grade talk about crushes, I'm standing there thinking I couldn't tell them who it is truthfully, even if I wanted to. I can't say I've had one in the past two years. Because you can't have a crush if you don't have pleasant feelings, right? I know this is a minor detail but it would be nice to see what it feels like, some feeling of pleasure. 
And the problem is, I feel like I have no train of thought. I never think before I do something, even if it's something reckless. I have no interest in writing, and recently reading, as well. Now I'm growing stupid. I stutter over my words and I feel no one gets me. I get lower grades, don't remember any definitions for words, can't write that well,and my grammar STINKS. Every once in awhile, if I'm feeling awful, I use a razor I'v toggled up and cut my lower leg.
I don't care about personal hygiene, I never feel happy, I feel as if a dark thundercloud is above my head.
A social life? Me? Don't be ridiculous.
I hardly talk, I'm just known as the shy, weird, anti social girl. People act nice to me, but in the polite nice way, like you would to your boss.
I feel like a robot. Not normal, not 100% human, you know? I'm watching my life as if it's a movie, my mind empty. My memory fades away quickly, stuff like that. (Sorry, kind of tired, my grammar will suck, I bet.)

I sure hope I get better soon, because I've had enough!
I wish I could take medication or something, because you'd think it's easy, not cutting. But that's the closest thing I feel to pleasure. This tingly feeling, no I wouldn't call it a feeling.
And stopping the negative thoughts is hard. I know I'm fat and ugly. I know I'm anti social. SO how do you block those thoughts from your head?

Anyways, I hope everyone else who has anhedonia gets better soon!

By the way, happy holidays! 



~ET
ThatStarInTheSky ThatStarInTheSky
13-15, F
Dec 9, 2012