I Have Anhedonia
I have anhedonia. Part of me wanted to be shocked into action when I learned of this word, anhedonia.. But, as with anything I do, it's like this big soft bubble which holds me from action stops my care factor from mounting enough energy to take a step.
It's like, anytime I even think about what I need to do, the big soft bubble is there to turn me back. Intelectually I know what I should do, I know all the consequences of not doing what needs doing. I just can't raise enough care, desire, vitality or whatever is needed to be bothered.
Many would call me lazy (and for the longest time I let that be my guilt), but to me laziness is a choice. If I could choose, I wouldn't be this way.
I once saw a psychologist, before learning about this anhedonia thing. She suggested that old gem of breaking things into smaller tasks, and to some degree that works, if I can be bothered. That's just it, there are lots of practical things someone can do to get through tasks and lists and calendars and gatherings, but this "thing" doesn't seem easily dented by "practical" means.
Whenever I try to put my mind to a task, a fugue comes over me, a fogginess that significantly weakens any resolve. Like right now, I have several pressing matters that I should be attending to, but I'm doing this instead. "This" writing is almost enjoyable. But if I had to write a book on it, I'd soon lapse into coma.
In my better moments, I try to make a list, then concentrate on one task. Try. Lists are somewhat easy - they're not "do". Come the "do", and it all collapses.
When I think back, I realise I've been this way all my life. And at 52, I need to unwind it - the habits, the brain chemistry, the prompts, the triggers, the patterns, the whatever. And omg what a daunting thought. Maybe I'll start next week.
