I Wonder If Any One Will See This.
When I was born, the doctors noticed something odd. I seemed to have only one testicle, and it seemed damaged. This is not entirely unheard of, as sometimes the testicles don't completely descend, so they told my mother that a surgery later in childhood could be performed to find and pull down the other testicle. I had this surgery at seven, and they found nothing during the operation. Not one damaged testicle, not one healthy one. I was diagnosed with bilateral anorchia, also known as vanishing testes syndrome. The condition is not life threatening, but does leave me infertile, and I was only able to go through puberty with the aid of HRT testosterone shots which I have to take for the rest of my life. This isn't even the worst part, it's the psychological dilemma. The feelings that I am "half a man", that my penis is inadequate, and the worry that people will find out, or know, and think less of me, or that I am a freak. I never had one date in high school because I didn't want to risk giving in to my hormones and being found out. I started dating a little in college but never got serious with anyone. There was one girl who I was getting serious about, and I told her. She seemed fine but lost interest in me shortly there after. It was years before I had the heart to ask another woman out, and it was through tremors and tears I told her I had no testicles, fearing rejection once again. She accepted me and we are now married, but this condition affected every relationship(or none-relationship) I ever had with a woman, and affects how I act around friends and family. I constantly fear that I don't satisfy my wife sexually, and I hate my own insecurity. This is my life, there is no cure, there is no magic pill to increase the size of my penis, there is no testicle transplant surgery that would allow me to be a normal man. This is my problem, and if it is your problem, you are not alone.