Something So Natural Ends Up Being So Hard

I have been dealing with this issue for a while now.  I am only 23 but have done lots of research and still no success.  I'm sure there is more out there but it is so defeating to keep reading and trying and having no success.  I don't know why Im like this and why something so natural is so difficult for me.  I lost someone I loved very much because the strain on our relationship was too much. He tried relentlessly but since I couldn't he eventually got too worried about it and neither of us could enjoy it.  I am no single and getting used to it...but I worry that I will never be able to figure this out and I will never get to experience that with someone I love... truly depressing.  

Sarahjessicaparker Sarahjessicaparker
22-25, F
3 Responses Mar 11, 2010

I hope this will give you hope. I am 29 and had not had an ****** till a year ago in spite of trying relentlessly with partners and multiple vibrators. I felt close so many times but was always left frustrated. It really got me down too. So much of what I found on the internet was geared around things like abuse and bad experiences and thus psychology as a reason but none of that applied to me, in fact I was tremendously sexual and free which puzzled me more about not being able to reach it. In my early 20's I wouldn't believe it was me and blamed poor partners rather than realising that it was my problem to solve. I think the problem lies with not learning these responses in our teenage years, you have to learn HOW to do this - match up the pleasure feelings with your mind and relax into the climax, boys learn this very early on. Girls are trained to think that boys will give you ******* when you have sex like on the telly which is so far from reality it's bonkers. It's not then till 20's/30's are reached for some women that we really try and figure out what it is all about and then it is harder to learn these responses. It IS possible though and I am the proof. You are not physically incapable of having an ******, you just haven't learned. You need to practise on your own, it will take months, you have to dedicate some time, a couple of times a week and focus on the pleasurable feelings and not on the end result, concentrate the mind on the good feeling and try not to let it wander, allow the occasional arousing image to pass through the mind, make sure you don't hold your breath, keep breathing, contract your pelvic floor while you stimulate yourself. Gentle nipple stimulation once at the right level worked wonders for me. You have to figure yourself out and it takes time, I thought it would never happen to me and now I'm in the phase of fine tuning, I'm trying to make it happen quicker as it was still taking me 30-40mins, I'm now on 10mins.... I'm still practising!! Remember boys have had a lifetime of practise that they often have to train themselves out of orgasming! I think it's best to try with your fingers and lots of lubrication but to be honest for me, the Mystic wand vibrator has been the only thing I have had success with, often not directly on ****, through undies, slightly off to the side so the vibes are passing through more skin. With a vibe you can easily overstimulate in desperation for the O and I found myself *********** without even orgasming!! SO annoying. Also check out some of Betty Dodsons material, she has some great advice online. You need know how to do it yourself before you can guide a man to help you achieve it... but you CAN do it, just try to relax about the issue... keep trying but when you don't succeed just take something from it and consider it a step further. I know it's frustrating, I have been there, but give it enough time and you will get there. Rach

I can't either. Its been 3 yrs now. Google 'sensate focus', it might help, and get a good vibrating 'friend'. There's always hope.

I just posted this in another person's post and I thought you might like it too. Good luck...<br />
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...I can totally relate. When I was in my late teens and early twenties I was sexually excited all the time. Then in my thirties, I find out that even though I was excited about sex a lot, I had never experienced an ****** during intercourse. I could have one during ************ but not with my partner and apparently us women have two places to stimulate organisms, the clitoris and the g-spot. I was so shocked. At first my partner tried to force one on me every time we had sex and soon he began to feel like he was less of man because he couldn't bring me to climax. Our relationship struggled severely. Then I realized that even though I have not had an ****** with any of my partners that didn't mean I didn't enjoy the sexual act. Now I focus on the other parts of the act with my partner that brings sexual satisfaction and I am totally satisfied.<br />
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It takes work because I had to focus on me and what I liked. I found that I also liked arousing my partner and even though it may seem unfair to "give more to him than I get" I have found that this is what is right and good for me. Pleasuring my partner is ok. I also found that he could stimulate me in other ways with foreplay. I may not experience the big "O" with him but I leave with a major smile on my face when we are though.<br />
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First get a partner you can trust, someone who really knows you and knows what a good person you are. Then be honest with them. Tell them how you feel about whether or not you can experience the big "O". Then ask them to practice with you. Help you discover the things about the sexual act that you like and don't like. Be honest. If you like playing the violin during sex then do it. (That's farfetched but you get my point!)<br />
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It takes time and my take months before you discover the things that really stimulate you. Don't get mad at your partner for enjoying the act more than you. Let them enjoy it as long as they honestly try to please you. This is the tricky part because whether or not they please you is a direct result of your communication with them about your needs and wants. Remember, if you are doing this with someone who truely cares for you then they will be happy to help you find your stimulants.<br />
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For me, I found that I like to stimulate my partner, and certain acts of foreplay. He obliges me and as a result I'm totally satisfied. If I really need the "O" then I have a little me time later.<br />
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Good luck.