I Finally Know The Definition Of The Horror I Am Experiencing

I have researched and found that I have antisocial personality disorder. I have suffered with this for a very long time. Now as an adult this disorder has taken a horrific toll on my life. I have thoughts that I cannot control and I have to cope with them daily. Every since I was a child I have always stayed to myself and barely ever made friends. I have always known that something was not right about me. I became extremely depressed and seeked mental help. However I only told the doctors partial parts of my thoughts and feelings out of fear of embarrassment. There was no way that I can tell anyone my horrid thoughts and feelings about others. Therefore I was prescribed the usual antidepressants. Of course they did not work. I continued to research what I was feeling and I began to believe that I had schizophrenia. But that was ruled out. So then I went from just taking antidepressants to adding antipsychotics and anti-anxiety mess as well. Nothing worked. Therefore, I realized that the thoughts were not going away, so I attempted suicide. I ended upon the hospital for a few days and then to the mental hospital. Things got a little better but I cannot get rid of these thoughts. I lack emotion for anyone. Its like it is not a big deal. I show little emotion for others. I hate to be around or go places with others. When a family member of mine passes away I never cry. When someone gets hurt I show no response or remorse. I hate being this way. And it hurts so much that I am not normal. Being this way has made me realize that sometimes some of the horrid acts that people commit is sometimes something deeper than normal people can imagine. I realize that people like me does not choose their mental state. My life is not what I want it to be because of this. Unfortunately we are the unlucky ones. We will never really get a cthance to experience the true feeling of life. The truth is that there is no higher power or god in this world. If it was people like me will not exist. I feel that I have been cheated out of life. I have never shared my feelings with anyone. I am just relieved to read other stories about others like me. For others who are normal and can't relate u will never understand unless u borrow one ofour brains. I truly believe in suicide and I feel that a person should be free to take their life when they have no other resort. Believe me many people like me are better off committing suicide for the sake of others.
theunlucky theunlucky
26-30, F
8 Responses May 22, 2012

Are the thoughts really that bad?

you have feelings. you don't have ASPD. end of story.

Even though I do have aspd, I believe we can get through life, I really do. As long as we try. Eveyone has the right to live.... I also know what your going through. I also tried to commit suicide, I thought my life is useless. But it's really not. Why should others get the chance to live they want to and we can't? Some people say we are bad people but we truly aren't! Even you sound like a very passionate person! Dont let anyone or this disorder control you! Get up and enjoy your life!!

Perhaps by now you know this is not your fault. ASP has been traced to a genetic defect that you inherited. This defect does not allow you to form a conscience and the subsequent affects that has on one 's personality. What you are missing is empathy. However, the fact that you know this and recognize it is very encouraging and admirable. This is a treatable condition that while not a cure can help you lead a happier life. I know people who will work with you if you are in central Texas and if not perhaps they can refer you to someone. Your life has value, you are a bad person only if you choose to bad things. Intellectually you know the difference between right and wrong. Just remember never to do wrong. If you want some names contact me via this board. Good luck.

I feel the same way. I feel cheated out of life. I want to die but my death will hurt others more. No win. Jesus is not the answer either. That's just a religious control mechanism to control society.

@Wrath234 Why not do something with life? Because its all bullshit. Legacy means nothing. It's mental ************.

Something I discovered a long time ago is that life has no meaning except the one you give it. It is all bullshit until you decide it isn't. We are the authors of our own fate and that leaves the burden on us to decide what truly matters in our lives and what doesn't. At some point you may want some grand logic to make you make sense and that's where the religious will come in to sell you their brand of the truth and maybe that works for some but the fact is no one else can answer the question of you because until you were born that question was never asked and you are the only one who will ever know enough absolutely about you to be able to answer it.

I feel death is a legitimate response to a unhappy life but if you find yourself in a place where you HAVE to stick around for whatever reason then make your life mean something and you decide what that meaning is; good or bad . You decide what the life you have to live will be and live it fiercely on your own terms
...or die
Being upset about the choices given is a child's way of delaying choice and serves no productive purpose to your life one way or the other.

So basically "Get busy living or get busy dying." everything else is mental ************.

I have not been diagnosed with anything but for my whole life I have struggled to feel okay with being around others. I am unable to make true lasting friendships because I avoid them. The thought of "hanging out" brings dread to me. I was very suicidal as a teen. I say this to let you know that I understand how you feel. There is hope. You may never fell normal but you can come to a place where you accept yourself and have peace inside. God can heal anything, even if he didn't heal you or I, his comfort is more than sufficient. Jesus is your answer friend not suicide.

Part of my struggle with ASPD came with coming to terms with it. There is never going to be absolute peace for us but there is a kind of serenity that comes with acceptance and support. The acceptance has to come from you about you. You're not bad for being the way you are or thinking the way you think. You can no more change who you are than gay people can be straight. ASPD is apart of you and while it does in many ways define you, it is never the sum of you. The way I make it through the day is to devote myself to something: My family and my studies mostly and while its always an up hill battle, people with ASPD are made for fighting. I am a husband and a uncle and a martial artist and a guitar teacher and a student who happens to be quite different mentally than most. There are strengths to being the outsider. There are perspectives unique to you that make the world a more interesting, more diverse and ultimately more beautiful place but you can't find those perspectives unless you embrace that part of you without shame or judgment.

Every human being is unique and I believe it is the responsibility of every person to use what they are to make the world a better place. I think you are best served in finding out how you can use how you are to make things better and fight savagely everyday towards that pursuit. Not that I'm against dying mind you but as long are here do something worth while.
Horace Mann said "...be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity." and while ultimately you owe the world nothing, what does it take from you to do something good for the good things in this world? Accept who you are and give your life meaning or die and be a waste of a chance to accomplish something good for those who deserve it.

I feel the same way...I'm so glad this site let people like us express themselves