I Finally Know The Definition Of The Horror I Am ExperiencingI have researched and found that I have antisocial personality disorder. I have suffered with this for a very long time. Now as an adult this disorder has taken a horrific toll on my life. I have thoughts that I cannot control and I have to cope with them daily. Every since I was a child I have always stayed to myself and barely ever made friends. I have always known that something was not right about me. I became extremely depressed and seeked mental help. However I only told the doctors partial parts of my thoughts and feelings out of fear of embarrassment. There was no way that I can tell anyone my horrid thoughts and feelings about others. Therefore I was prescribed the usual antidepressants. Of course they did not work. I continued to research what I was feeling and I began to believe that I had schizophrenia. But that was ruled out. So then I went from just taking antidepressants to adding antipsychotics and anti-anxiety mess as well. Nothing worked. Therefore, I realized that the thoughts were not going away, so I attempted suicide. I ended upon the hospital for a few days and then to the mental hospital. Things got a little better but I cannot get rid of these thoughts. I lack emotion for anyone. Its like it is not a big deal. I show little emotion for others. I hate to be around or go places with others. When a family member of mine passes away I never cry. When someone gets hurt I show no response or remorse. I hate being this way. And it hurts so much that I am not normal. Being this way has made me realize that sometimes some of the horrid acts that people commit is sometimes something deeper than normal people can imagine. I realize that people like me does not choose their mental state. My life is not what I want it to be because of this. Unfortunately we are the unlucky ones. We will never really get a cthance to experience the true feeling of life. The truth is that there is no higher power or god in this world. If it was people like me will not exist. I feel that I have been cheated out of life. I have never shared my feelings with anyone. I am just relieved to read other stories about others like me. For others who are normal and can't relate u will never understand unless u borrow one ofour brains. I truly believe in suicide and I feel that a person should be free to take their life when they have no other resort. Believe me many people like me are better off committing suicide for the sake of others.
theunlucky 26-30, F 7 Responses 0 May 22, 2012