Don't Read This... No, I Want You To Read This...

Ahhh.. HI :-)  My story... wtf, so much to say.  Basically, it would be nice if there were other people out there dealing with what I am.  I know there are, I guess.  Except I've never met anyone like me, and anyone I've met online is thousands of miles away, so only makes me feel more *alone* :-(   My story in as few words as possible is this - I have never had a true friend.  1st grade- my friend Christine moved away, 2nd grade- friend Keely Ann moved away, 3rd and 4th grade- friends with Adeena, she moved away, 5th grade- friends with Katie, but then she started making fun of me, hanging out with the cooler kids, 6th grade- no friends, I would purposely stand on the inside of the doors until right before recess was over, 7th grade- friends with Beth, but then I started to become the outcast, she wanted to hang out with the cooler people, 8th grade- friends with Amanda, she moved away in the summer, 9th grade, no friends, I think?  10th grade- had a group of friends, didn't last long 11th grade- friends started smoking pot which I didn't like, and I got a boyfriend, 12th grade- no boyfriend, no friends.  College- I had acquaintances, but I can honestly say I don't have any "friends" from college.  Now I am still in school (masters degree)... I am living by myself, still no friends. 

I am 27 years old and have never had true friends.  I don't know what it feels like.  I don't know what its like to be close to people and have people that care about you.  Yes, I have my boyfriend which I am very grateful about.  However, its not the same.  I get very, very anxious when being around other females.  I can talk with guys a lot better, for some reason they don't make me as nervous.  But, girls can be very judgemental and mean sometimes, and I get flashbacks.  So... its very hard for me to talk to girls.  

My biggest problem is that I don't exactly know how to fix this.  I don't know if this is just "who I am" or not.  I have social anxiety and get very depressed when I think about it also.  Basically, anytime I am not busy with school or with my boyfriend, I am by myself, sad.  I honestly don't know how people get friends.  Its the weirdest thing.  I don't understand it.  And, for people who say "we've been friends for years".... how do you DO that?!? Seriously!!  My whole life, people come in and out of my life, I never stay in contact with people. 

I have no idea if anyone will care about what I said .... I suppose not.  But, if you are in a situation like mine, and if you have any advice, please share.  Except, I HATE anything like "just start talking", "just be yourself", etc.... just go $#*(^ yourself!!!!   Just kidding, hmmm maybe...  :-)

pearllost5531 pearllost5531
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 20, 2010

ok thank you for your honesty in sharing your story! yes it does make one feel vulnerable to just gush, but this is the place and for the most part people here really mean well :))With respect to your dillema~...For me it's the opposite, because I've had (abuse) issues with men in my life, I sometimes do find it strange/difficult to talk with a man on the other hand with women it's not a problem. So to give you advice I look into myself and try to think what i would say to myself....and that's a really tough case for sure! Well, how about this, sorry if it sounds trite but what about joining some groups/clubs/anything which 1- you like/love to do or learn and 2- it will expose you to ppl who share your interests. ...? You said you are doing your masters, so you must be busy but you did mention times when you are alone and sad. The thing to remember is not all women are cruel shallow etc, i am not! :D!!! just ask my best gf!! Whenever we have come a long way on our journey, life presents us with new challenges/opportunities to grow, which are usually hard and we may resist them!....So your plea is a sign perhaps that you're ready :)Ok good luck and you are welcome to write me!:)