The Day It All Changed

About a year ago I was walking through the supermarket casually looking for ideas to make dinner when it came out of nowhere. My heart started beating fast, my palms got sweaty and I felt a rush of fear run through me. I felt this sudden fear of something is going to happen to me I need to leave. I proceed to go down the next aisle trying to finish my shopping and get out. I then turned the corner to the checkout line and saw the line. It was mid-day so not all the lanes were open and the few that were were busy. I stood in the shortest one praying it will go by fast. It didn't. I felt myself needing to leave like the building was on fire. I felt embarrassed by the possibility of leaving my cart abandoned in the middle of an aisle. Embarrassed and ashamed that I could not do a simple task that I have been doing for years, grocery shopping. I ended up leaving my cart in aisle waiting to be found. As soon as I was outside and inside my car, I felt relief. Relief that I was going home to where I believed was my safety zone. I speed home and when I got home I was angry and hated myself. I cried and cried wondering why this was happening to me now. For the next several weeks I was so afraid to do anything that I made my boyfriend (at the time) do all the shopping for me. I was even scared to go to work for fear of having an attack at work or while driving to work. I ended up leaving 30 mins early everyday to avoid sitting in traffic.

That day changed my life from being able to walk out the door to having to force myself to walk out the door. I told myself I would not be held captive and one day I had enough. I sought out a therapist and it was by far the best decision I made. I didn't want medication, just a healthy natural way of dealing with it all. My therapist opened my eyes and mind to layers and layers of emotions I had hidden so well. He knew me like an open book and it was by far the most challenging thing I have done, to open myself up to a stranger. But it was a relief that someone understood. Someone got it. The past year I have grown more and done so much more that I would have ever dreamed. Its not over by all means I still face the same challenges the same feeling of I am going crazy. But I have learned to deal with it and manage it day by day. I do have days where I just want to give up and stay inside my house but then I force myself to go out and in the end its worth it. The bad days come but I am hoping for less of those. I am not perfect and I have yet to love myself for me. Its all a work in progress.
Daydreamer06 Daydreamer06
26-30, F
1 Response Apr 5, 2012

you wrote exactly how I feel. Good luck!!!!