I Have Depression Problems...

Before I go on about my depression and such, I'm 13, going on 14, and I have 4 siblings ( I know alot). I'm only going to give you their fake names, just in case the people I'm going to be talking about are on here. I have a little brother who we'll call Damian, he's 11. I have another little brother who we'll call Danny, he's 2. I little sister who we'll call Sarah, she's 10. And another little sister who we'll call Fiona, she's almost one. Sadly, my parents are divorced ): . My mom, who, we'll call, well mom. My dad, who we'll call dad. My step-dad, who's more of dad to me then my real dad, we'll call him Matt. And then, there's my step-mom, we'll call her Janice. 

I see my dad every other weekend from friday after noon, to tuesday morning. This happened last weekend, and I was only with him friday, monday, and turesday. The rest of the days I was able to spend with my mom to go to a carnival and for mothers day. Anyways, I was sitting in the room I shared with Damian, it really sucks but he's my only full brother, so we understand each other more clearly, when my dad called us out. We both walked into the living room, where my dad and step-mom were sitting. My dad sat us down, and pulled out a bible. He read us a few verses and then asked 'Now, how can you respect God, and follow Janice and I, your parents more?' Something on the lines of that. I was screaming on the inside to tell him Janice is not our parents. But, of course, me being my timid self, kept my mouth shut and a black expressionless face, as I answered the question (which I don't remember what I answered). That really pissed me off, and it was over one little thing that happened the night before. We had just gotten home from a concert, may I add I paid for, and was extremely tired. I had already taken a shower that morning, and was walking past my dad, already in my pajama's to get some sleep I really needed (I never sleep, to many nightmares). When he stopped me. 

"Kota, did you take a shower today?" I asked. 

"Yeah, I'm going to bed." I stated, half way to my door. 

"No, go take a shower." He said back to me, I turned around, already annoyed which I never am at him. 

"Dad, I'm tired, I'm going to bed and can take a shower in the morning." I said, already climbing over the small baby gate attached to my doorway to keep Fiona out. 

"Go get in the shower Kota, now." He said, staring at me intently. 

"Dad! I already took one!" I said, standing in front of him. 

"What have I told you before? I have me reasons, now get in the shower." He stated getting angry. 

I just shook my head and walked towards the shower. I wanted to try something. 

I left the shower running, and sat there for a couple minutes, just to see what would happen.

I then made it sound like I got out of the shower, and turned the blow drier on. 

After about 15 minutes of that on, I walked past my dad acting annoyed to see his reaction. 

"You took a shower?" He asked, smelling my hair. 

"You did, good job Kota, I'm proud of you for just doing as I told you to do, I hope you know that. I love you and only do the best for you." He siad, hugging me and kissing my hair. 

I just nodded, and mumbled a I love you to back, when I know I didn't. At least, not the way I used to. 

When Janice came along, she changed my dad. She told him Damian and I need to work, and she made him give us chores.

It was trerrible, and most of the time, I didn't even do them right. 

I mean, why do we have to clean up after Janice's mess? She doesn't have to sit there on her phone and go on facebook only looking up at Fiona every now and then. 

But, of course, I got in trouble, and that led to the bible reading. 

I told Matt about this, and he got really mad. 

He had divorced parents to, and his dad didn't treat him right. He ended up running away at the age of 14, but still kept in touch with his parents. 

Matt said his parents pulled the whole 'bible' crap on him, and that pushed him over the edge.

Of course, Matt wanted to call dad and tell him he's just pushing us away. 

Matt's told him this before, but dad just blows us off. 

All of this, has made me depressed so much, but I hide it. I can't let my brother Damian see it, if he does... he'll follow, and I don't want that happening. 

I also don't want to say anything to dad and Janice because it will ruin Fiona's life. 

They will most likely end up getting divorced, and Fiona's innocent life will be flushed down the drain. I wouldn't be able to live through that kind of guilt. I must admit, I don't cry when people die, I don't mourn, but I do care if I ruin someone's life. It kills me. 

Honestly, I feel like Janice is always putting me down, I put on an outfit that's cute on me, but not her fashion. 

And when I get into the car, she turns around and looks at what I'm wearing., 

"Are you seriously going to wear that?" She ask's, looking me in the eye. 

I swear everytime she says that, a lump forms in my throat. 

"Yeah.." I say, evaluating my clothing.

"Oh.." She says, and then turns around and begins to drive us to school. Everytime she says that, I'm sad for the rest of the day. 

That at least happens twice everytime with her. It breaks my heart, yet my dad doesn't notice it, and just goes with whatever Janice says. 

It hurts to know my dad, that I once loved and honored, changed on me like that. 

I now feel depressed everyday, and isolate myself in my room.

I even made this poem that describes me, well I got it off of google:

"I'm a daughter hiding my depression. I'm a sister making a good impression. I'm the girl sitting next to you. I'm the one asking you to care. I'm your best friend hoping you'll be there."

Hope you liked my story, please, give me advice on what to do, I've been going through this for years, and am starting to think of ways out. Some aren''t so good... and I'm trying to use my other options before I result to that.
cutekylie28 cutekylie28
18-21, F
1 Response May 18, 2012

I struggle with depression, and have as long as I can remember. I'd like to recommend a book called Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl. It has really helped me stay out of the depression trap and move on with my life.