From Driven to Agoraphobic

My last two years of high school I was like a rock star, everything I tried I was good at, I made good grades, I volunteered, I had a lot of friends, and I was very ambitious. I received academic scholarships and I went to the school of my choice. My tuition and apt. were payed for the duration of my stay. I went to cosmetology school (one of my many dreams) and was ready to kick some *** and take some names. Right away I wowed my instructors and a lot of the students with my skills. of course there are always those people who will never like you and of course they hated me. It was jealousy as soon as they saw who I was, where I was from, and what I could do. I went to a school full of women. (All of my friends are male except my best friend). I had never experienced the back biting and weird **** girls do until I went to school with a full room of women. I will just say in short that those girls sent me into a spiraling depression and anxiety I have never known. Fast forwarding to after school, I graduated and went to take my state exam and passed with flying colors. I was so excited about leaving that school and those people behind and starting fresh. I had a job right away, same as before I wowed my boss and co-workers with my skills and charm and the  jealous women came out to play. Same as before the back biting, rumors, bullying, and all that other stuff came along. I was doing so well, I developed a large client base and was making very good money. Soon I found out that my boss as well as my co-workers were into drugs and pill popping in particular. On several occasions I was asked to fake injuries and go to the hospital to retain pain killers for my boss and co-workers (because they had done this so many times before themselves they would be reported had they done so themselves). When I would refuse they made life at work very unpleasant to say the least. I found out that there was a thief among us and when I revealed seemed to be that everyone knew about the issues and were all in on it but me. I was made into the outcast while all along the drugs were being bought an sold in my salon and the girls were very unprofessional. I found myself becoming more and more anxious from the time I was in school to the time I was working. I would be driving to work and would start to feel very nervous and physically ill. I would start sweating and experiencing panic attacks. I quit working at the salon a short while later I only worked there for eight months. I was so stressed out and the panic attacks continued that it makes it hard for me to be in a place where there are several people. The grocery store can be very unpleasant. I started out being very driven and very outgoing to being a woman who stays in her house as much as possible. I deal with this everyday, among the depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and OCD I was already experiencing. My husband is very understanding and helps me. Any pill I try makes me like a zombie or simpling has no affect. I take everyday at a time. I am not a full blown agoraphobic as of now...I am hoping that it doesn't get any worse. I have good days and bad days. I am in high hopes I will find a cure to this severe anxiety.
babyblueshorty2003 babyblueshorty2003
22-25, F
11 Responses May 4, 2007

I would really like to know how are you doing right now. Knowing that you are ok, would give me hope.
I was so brave and now I feel like I can't take care of myself.
I miss the old me. I feel like I'm no longer myself.
I took Xanax and Paxil a few months, then switched to Effexor, and now I'm just taking Avanza and therapy.
I've been dealing with this almost two years.
I want someone to tell me that we can be normal again, no pills, just our lovely normal selves.

The only thing that successfully dealt with panic and anxiety for me was Pure Awareness work in which you feel into the very core of the emotional energy until it vaporizes and is gone...permanently. What you are left with is the wisdom of the emotion and the experience it came from. My entire view of life has changed and I am not longer plagued by anxiety and panic, however, I am comfortable feeling any emotion. It is the energy of our experience and it is our perception. If we feel it fully within our awareness, we come to our own vision of our world. We live authentically. Pure Awareness techniques are derived from and are skill in Transcendental Meditiation

Not to push drugs. But I take Xanax. And if it makes you feel like a zombie your on to much. You can try very low dose. .25 mg not a cure but should prevent panic attacks. Also buspar works for some . Anyway from someone who knows wish you love and blessings

I feel you, different experiences brought me to the same outcome. People are cruel and in it for themselves. I've been on 9 different medications that made me feel like a "zombie" like you said or just gave me side effects with no results. I'm not downing them or anyone but counselors I've talked to ether haven't been threw this, so no matter how many degrees they have will never understand or have a counselor and are on medication themselves. Not saying don't seek help, but what I am saying is only you can search inside yourself to find the answers to your problems. Endurance, strength and staying true to yourself will give you success threw your struggles. I know that from experience.

This is a very brave story! Agoraphobia is a tough problem. I had it too, and have been helped a lot by using free telephone support groups provided by Social Anxiety Anonymouos,

You poor thing. That's really tough. You gotta realize, you've been hanging around people that don't have the same values as you. I feel like you are much more mature and wise beyond your years, and being around people 24/7 that have other agendas on their mind--outside of honest success and healthy choices--has got to be difficult. Both your successes and your dedication to what's right is something that they find threatening. There are people out there that don't feel the need to compete and will appreciate you for what you are. Imagine that, people who love you just cuz you're you!! And everyone feels these emotions that you feel, you're not a weirdo or anything bad. You ought to not be so critical on yourself! You seem like a good person who is dedicated, and that's really all one can ask of someone, isn't that true?

My heart goes out to you. I go through the same things but here is a little hope for you, it can get better, with prof. help. Promise. The fear didnt happen over night so it wont just leave overnight but is do-able. And from what you say, your a intelligent strong woman that will most likely come out on top of this one too. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm in recovery from the same agor. I got to the point I was in fear of everyone. I'm 36 and I was frightened of kids. Crazy I know but so is the manifesting of irrational fear. Have a good one my friend Tina

I am sorry you had to endure such horrible work conditions. It sounds to me from your story your agoraphobia was gradually coming. I don't think that your co-workers is what really started this. See some people do develop this phobia from PTSD, however it usually is based from a major car accident, rape, burglary, war, etc. but then you have people like me, I have never had anything terrible happen to me such as rape. See I used to be fearless!! I used to love to get the wits scared out of me. I wanted to be the one stuck on top of the fariswheel and I have traveled to Switzerland, Argentina, Spain, Grand Cayman Island, London England, and all over the States. That came to a stop one day. Though I had a little anxiety in the past it was no big deal. One day it hit me like a ton of bricks. I quit work, and I would just cry because I was to afraid to leave my house. I did seek help and boy did we go through a lot psychiatrists, then one Dr. said that nothing happened in my past was traumatic enough to trigger this ordeal. He told me to trust him and not be afraid of the medication. I trusted him and I listened to him. Turns out there is a gene and I forgot what number it is becomes malfunctioned as time goes on. He gave me the medication and next thing I know I was out of my house, I could go to the store, and I was able to go back to work, I mean being able to finally walk through a department store again was great. Well because so much fear was instilled there are other things I cannot bring myself to do yet and it's been 8 long years with no travel, and I am afraid of the unknown. It blows!! I ask God everyday to help me. I am agoraphobic to an extent now. That is with medication. My Dr. fixed me, but the damage was done, I am afraid of being afraid! Do you have any idea what that is like? I have passed up eight years of family time. Tomorrow my sister is having her third baby in Boston, MA and I can't be there, I intentionally picked fight with her to not go. I am to f'ing embarrassed to tell her that I suck. I tried, I walked into an airport and I just start shaking like crazy. I think OK, if I am knocked out for the flight and make it to my destination what if I loose my mind while I am there. I am afraid of losing control. My sister is having a baby, and I cannot be there again. I have not seen my niece and nephew from her other pregnancies for 2 years. I have only seen them when she comes and visits. Don't go untreated for to long because the damages from agoraphobia can worsen, and once your brain is hard wired to be afraid it is so hard to change it back.

I feel your pain I have had panic attacks very bad where i was house bound and i feel ur pain. I learned threw a book i bought called the anxiety book to finally leave the house and i'm back to work again. I was raped and for over 2 years the attacks and depression of not being the person i was before all this happened was so depressing! You can search for the book on the computer. I have read so many books, took meds, etc. the book has helped me get my life back little by little!<br />
good luck to you sweetie. if you ever want to talk i am here! love-amy

I feel your pain..I am so sorry you are struggling with this.I know how it are not alone...I have struggled with anxiety for so long and am nearly agoraphopic.... if you would like ,read some of my stories...<br />
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I am here if you would ever like to talk...<br />
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Baby, I feel sympathetic toward you. I am not a psychologist, but it sounds as if this traumatic experience caused post traumatic stress disorder. I have and, at times, continue to struggle with anxiety, and OCD runs in my family. As a first step, I would advise you to pursue a psychologist for some talk therapy. Sometimes when we discuss how we feel, it becomes concrete, and we can deal with it more easily. This would be a good way for a professional to assist you in developing coping skills. I suspect that you may have health insurance through your husband. If not, there are plenty of state agencies that can help you out with getting you the help you need. Know that you are justified in your feelings, but refuse to be a victim and pursue a solution. You deserve to be emancipated from this prison your body has deserve better. You get t stars out of five for your honesty.