Dont Want to Be a Crazy Mom

I have been dealing with anxiety since i can remember, i just never knew what to call it until recently. as a teenager i had friends, just not a lot. not because i wasnt pretty or because people didnt like me but because i was afraid of everyone. more like i was afraid of what they were thinking about me. i know every teenage girl has these feelings but probably not to the extemes that i took them. i would make my self sick so i didnt have to go to school. i'm not talking about a little cold either. i've missed entire months of school for these episodes. once in 8th grade i had to play a part during a mock trial in my social studies class.i was completely fine until i got up in front of everyone. i couldnt remember one word of my "testimony". i started mumbling and making stuff up..i could see everyone looking at me in disbelief as i rambled on...i was so embarrassed that i passed out. my teacher took me to the nurses office and when i came too i was sweating and shaking and i spiked a fever. my mom picked me up and took me to the doctor..they could not explain any of it. it wasnt until 4 years later when i was told that i had anxiety issues. i saw a family therapist for a while and he eventually decided that i should only be in school for half days. i actually had a doctors note excusing me from school at noon. everyone thought it was so "cool" . i was happy about it but still embarrassed. i eventually dropped out. i couldnt take it. i thought everyone was talking about me and staring at me when in reality, not many people actually noticed me. i've always had trouble going places by myself. i cant go to a drive thru car wash. i cant go in a fast food restaraunt there are so many things that i cant bring myself to do alone. the only thing that has helped me is having my daughter. i dont want her to see  my weakness. it's not something that i want her to think is normal.

having my daughter has helped but it has also brought on a whole new set of anxieties. i cry when she gets sick..i'm terrified that something horrible will happen to her. i force myself to leave her with my parents for overnights but half the time i want to turn around and pick her back up. i feel like she's only safe in my arms. i know this is not healthy but i have so much love for her and i couldnt bear it if anything ever happened to her. she's my world. my husband is helping me to realize that i cant keep this up. i want her to be a normal well adjusted kid and eventually adult. so how do i not be a crazy mom?

ktsm0m ktsm0m
26-30, F
9 Responses May 5, 2007

By living one day at a time sweetie.... I got anxiety from my "family"....you know....the ones that care about you and love you...lol..... There is too much in this world for you not to be enjoying your daughter and being there for yourself as well. I would see a doctor asap and discuss what you are feeling. It can sometimes make you feel better.....if you don't do anything then it never gets better.....keep working on it....sometimes it is a long process that only you can handle and take care of. Unfortunately, when we do not have the support we need as women (usually from our families or husbands) we need to seek other women who can help support us and make us realize we are NOT crazy. You are halfway there by just knowing what is going on....so keep up the good work, but keep moving forward.....

This is probably one of the reasons why I don't want to have kids. I'm so scared my anxiety will get worse and I wouldn't be able to enjoy everything about having a child and that I would just be nervous all the time. Currently I am an Au pair and if the kids are one minute late coming my heart starts to race and I think of a million things that could've gone wrong.. I don't think I could handle having my own kids. Much hugs

I exactly understand what you mean about raising your child,because i am a single mom as well and i am nervous all the time every single sec of the day. as moms we all want our children to not feed off our fear,paranoi, anxiety etc.

You are not a crazy mom... every mom has feelings like those... its normal. I don't have kids but I have the same anxieties that you had when you were a teenager. I also started seeing a therapist about 4 months ago. She has helped so much that I can actually go places alone and do things alone. I don't know but are you still seeing someone?? If not, maybe you should consider starting to see a therapist again.

You are not a crazy mom... every mom has feelings like those... its normal. I don't have kids but I have the same anxieties that you had when you were a teenager. I also started seeing a therapist about 4 months ago. She has helped so much that I can actually go places alone and do things alone. I don't know but are you still seeing someone?? If not, maybe you should consider starting to see a therapist again.

wow I can't believe how much this sounds like me .......<br />
<br />
my son has helped my attacks in some ways but worse in others..I also try to shield him from this so he can be normal ....<br />
<br />
you aren't crazy...and if you are..i am too!

I worry the same I am afraid if I am taken away or something happens to me what will they do.. I hate worrying so much. I have health anxiety (hypochondria)which doesn't help.

A lot of what we go through as women is because we are the number one caretakers and then if something happens to US no one knows how to manage or handle it. Like when we say to ourselves "we don't have time to get sick...". Unfortunately, this is normal for this day and time. We do need to stop and take care of ourselves, but it is difficult without support. If we do not take care of ourselves first, then we cannot be good caretakers to others.....it would just be nice if everyone realized that!!!

wow I can't believe how much this sounds like me .......<br />
<br />
my son has helped my attacks in some ways but worse in others..I also try to shield him from this so he can be normal ....<br />
<br />
you aren't crazy...and if you are..i am too!

I completely know how you feel about the things you cant do alone. I can't believe someone has those same fears. It is nice to know I am not the only one. I recently got married and I try to be strong for my husband. Do you have any advice on how to be stronger?

I was the same way with my son when he was small. He is a teenager now. I didn't like to leave him with anyone not even my mother. It didn't feel natural and I just felt so uneasy when he wasn't with me. He was fine with staying with other people I was the one that had a hard time dealing with it. Little by little over the years I have had to force myself to give him space and let him do things so that I don't shelter him too much. It isn't easy even now at his age. I still feel anxious or nervous if he stays the night with a friend. I don't get much sleep until he comes home the next day because then I feel like I can finally relax. I know exactly how you feel.