Confused and Lonely (I Think I Might Be Crazy)
Lately, I've been having a few mini anxiety attacks, where my anxiety is so high that I can't think about anything but the one thing I'm worried about. That's where my obsessing comes into play.
Here I am, sitting alone in my apartment, on Christmas evening, sad, lonely and so anxious, I'm thinking of popping a Xanax, but I don't want to fall asleep this early.
And, I find myself anxious and worried about things I can't control. Things I shouldn't be so worried about at this point in my life. And, then I realized that I'm more worried about these things, and people and how I feel about all of them, and I'm wondering why I'm not obsessing over my husband and the guilt I have for ruining his life. Why am I obsessing over someone I don't know, over something I can't control, but not really worried about things actually happening in my day to day life?
What is wrong with me? I hate this. I really do. I can't get it through my head that others don't owe me anything, that I don't own others, that I can't expect people to think like I do, because I know my thought processes aren't right.
But, I know I'll sit here all night, anxious and worried, on the verge of tears over something I never really had, over something I don't own, over something I can't control.
I wish I could just be numb, just for a few days, or a few hours. I wish I could enjoy this moment. This very moment. And not have to worry about what MIGHT happen and what might NOT happen. I want to focus on today. On the love I'm receiving from family and friends. I want to focus and enjoy my friends who are with me every day.
Maybe some day I'll get there. I just don't know how.