Confused and Lonely (I Think I Might Be Crazy)

Lately, I've been having a few mini anxiety attacks, where my anxiety is so high that I can't think about anything but the one thing I'm worried about.  That's where my obsessing comes into play. 

Here I am, sitting alone in my apartment, on Christmas evening, sad, lonely and so anxious, I'm thinking of popping a Xanax, but I don't want to fall asleep this early.

And, I find myself anxious and worried about things I can't control.  Things I shouldn't be so worried about at this point in my life.  And, then I realized that I'm more worried about these things, and people and how I feel about all of them, and I'm wondering why I'm not obsessing over my husband and the guilt I have for ruining his life.  Why am I obsessing over someone I don't know, over something I can't control, but not really worried about things actually happening in my day to day life?  

What is wrong with me?  I hate this.  I really do.  I can't get it through my head that others don't owe me anything, that I don't own others, that I can't expect people to think like I do, because I know my thought processes aren't right.  

But, I know I'll sit here all night, anxious and worried, on the verge of tears over something I never really had, over something I don't own, over something I can't control. 

I wish I could just be numb, just for a few days, or a few hours.  I wish I could enjoy this moment.  This very moment.  And not have to worry about what MIGHT happen and what might NOT happen.  I want to focus on today.  On the love I'm receiving from family and friends.  I want to focus and enjoy my friends who are with me every day. 

Maybe some day I'll get there.  I just don't know how.

CuriosityKitten CuriosityKitten
31-35, F
18 Responses Dec 25, 2008

just read your post from 2008 how are you NOW?

I know how u feel. I try everyday and through my theripy that it is healthy to be alone. But on holidays it sucks. I have my own anxiety. I work in a prison, full control, when I get home different story. Hang in there. I know it's easier said than done.

For me, the shaking and fear and self isolation with feelings of utter hopelessness are a daily battle, from the moment I wake up to the time I go to bed. It is terrifying. I wish I had just a few moments during my day without this scourge invading my sense of self awareness and feelings of personal security and safety. I share with you this horrible experience. I do understand.

I wish it was easy like that, too.

you rule, i like how well you identify your problem, i always wish it was easier to change the way you feel after you change the way you think.

I love you girl! Thanks again.

Thank you, FG. Knowing that I'm able to help others understand what so many people are suffering from makes me feel as if my troubles are some how helping others. And that makes me feel good.

CK, I am so sorry you are going through this. I appreciate you sharing this story. My sister has similar concerns and you help me to understand what she is going through. If you need me I am around.

BB, big hugs from you are just as wonderful as any good advice I could get. I love ya, hun!!

I can't match what yoour wise brains have said here, so I will just give you big hugs

newdaydog, you are not preachy at all. I've tried meditation and the problem I have is that I can never reign in my thoughts. The worries just flood in. But I'm all up for trying it again. Thank you for the advice.<br />
<br />
ABL, thank you, friend. Knowing others are here for support and kindness makes this all a little easier to deal with.

Saying to just let go is a bit like saying "Don't think of the word elephant". It's a self defeating proposition. May I offer an alternative way to achieve "letting go"?<BR>Well.... hearing no ob<x>jections, I'll continue to expound as I sit here on my lofty perch atop the mountain. But I digress... The simple and difficult answer to not thinking of elephant is to concentrate the mind on something else. One of the easiest and simplest techniques is to concentrate on observing your breath as it enters and leaves your body. No judgment or evaluation is needed. Just watch it enter and leave and every time your mind wanders to other thoughts rein it in and watch your breath again. If you attempt this regularly (once or twice a day for 15 to 30 minutes) you'll actually learn to direct your thinking and sidestep much of the need to control or obsess on lack of control.<BR>Sorry if I come off as a bit preachy but I have found that this technique really helps me to center myself and "let go".

Danda, never apologize for the long comment. I appreciate them. Especially something like this. I haven't tried behavior modification yet. I'll have to look into that. The meds I'm on aren't all that good. <br />
<br />
I've finally gotten my OCD in a controllable place, but the anxiety is just out of control. Therefore, making me feel like I NEED to control things. I NEED others to answer my every whim and question. Even when I know they don't owe me anything. <br />
<br />
Every time I find myself NOT worrying or anxious, I start worrying that I'm NOT worrying, which then makes me want to start worrying about something. It's a vicious circle, a vortex that I can't get out of. <br />
<br />
I know that I have good friends here on EP and here in my every day life that I can depend on. And I than you all for your support, concern and love.

SilentMisery, again, you've helped. You've put things into perspective and I know you understand where I'm coming from.<br />
<br />
Right now, I'm on Zoloft, but don't feel as if it's working enough. I think it helps with my OCD but not as well as the Prozac was before I became somewhat "immune" to it. But it doesn't really touch the anxiety.<br />
<br />
I logically know that I can't control people and the universe and what may happen and I know that I don't own people, so I can't expect things from them that they may not be ready or willing to give. It's just so hard. I'll need help. And support. And I know all of you will help me through this.

MizzBlue, it means a lot to me hearing someone tell me "it's OK." It almost validates my emotions and lets me know that I'm not crazy at all.<br />
<br />
Snowy, it was hard to share it. But I know I'm not alone in these anxieties and worries. And, please don't go anywhere, I'll need you to "breathe with me". *HUGS*<br />
<br />
Marcus, thank you for sharing your experience with the same emotions. It makes all of this less lonely. I know it's going to be hard, but with you and Snowy and all my loved ones here on EP and in my daily life at home, I will be okay. It's just going to hurt. A lot.

CK, I had similar feelings when I was in my 20s. I wanted to control everything, and have certain goals met by certain times, etc.<br />
<br />
It took me well into my 30s to realize that life doesn't work to a certain timetable or schedule. It often works in a very disorganized way, and it is often very inconsistent.<br />
<br />
Try to let go of as many preconceived notions you might have had in terms of where you "should be" in your life. <br />
<br />
Regardless of the "shoulds", you are where you are, and you are going through the early effects of those changes.<br />
<br />
However, there will be (and are) many POSITIVE changes that will come from your situation, as well as the negative ones...<br />
<br />
You will soon be open to NEW things to enter your life as much as you will be a little anxious about losing some of the older ones...<br />
<br />
Keep talking, to friends, to family, to whomever, to help you sort this takes some time...<br />
<br />
Snowbunny's advice is good advice...but it is not just rote work...hopefully the meanings will come clear to you before too long..<br />
<br />

CK- Hang in there girl! You are strong and can work through this. Your friends are here to help you at any time. Slow down and BREATHE with me my friend. <br />
<br />
Take things slow and the rewards will be sweeter. <br />
<br />
I know this wasnt easy sharing all of this but I as well as many others appreciate your openess and candor. You are a breath of fresh air!

[[hugs]] You are a tremendous person that gives so much spirit to everyone. You will pull through this. Sometimes you have to feel these feelings to process them and get over them. It's really hard around the holidays. <br />
<br />
Stop obsessing - easier said than done, right? It could be that you need that cry, let it out, and let it go. Believe me, you are probably the only one in the relationship that is feeling this way. It hurts no one but you -- be kind to you. Let it go. <br />
<br />
Enjoy this moment -- life is way too short for regret and feeling terrible all of the time. <br />
<br />
Only you know why you do or do not feel guilty where your husband is concerned. It's OK.