Anxiously Awaiting Anticipation
I am like a vampire, seeing as I only feel comfortable at night going out, driving to the places I need to. Like it has been said before, no one understands, not even the people I have talked to who have had anxiety. I have listened to tapes, went to a therapist, been prescribed an anti-depressant (which only furthered my depression and did nothing for anxiety) and Lorazepam which surely does not take enough of the edge off, changed my lifestyle in terms of exercise, eating healthfully, positive self-talk, thinking about my purpose, but no, none of these heart palpitations, negative thoughts, and body tremors disappear even the slightest. It gets better certain days when I am in the right mentality but one bad thought and it all comes back. My husband can not understand what it is I go through everyday. He is expecting me to drive from here in Maine to Georgia all by myself and then drive him cross country to Washington, where he expects me to get a job right away. I will push through it but I can see many bad scenarios ahead and I know this only adds to my anxiety. I have so much trouble acting normally when I am in my anxious state. I can't open my mouth, my body feels weak and shaky, and sometimes I can't help but put on a "get-away-from-me" face. I'd really like to be given the correct medication but my doctor has failed in understanding how significantly it would help me and plus, at my age, I am only expected to abuse drugs.
People with anxiety are very brave people, fighting through their deepest fears every day, shopping in stores, waiting at stop lights, waiting at all in a line, trying to be social, respectful when all we want to do is run away to our cave of security.
I recently have learned to accept that I am an anxious person now, the exact opposite of what I was six months ago, a mellow, and brutally honest girl. May I shake and may my heart beat erratically, may the uncomfortable feeling settle in the pit of my stomach every minute of the day. If people don't like me because I shake or because I can't speak up, well it is clear that they don't understand and will never enjoy the party I bring.
I love you, anxiety. Your symptoms are signs that there must be change and I am glad to receive the notice.