Locked Away

I open my mouth and words fall out.. a jumbled alphabetic chaos that only few can sift thru to fully understand. The letters from my words strung out in front of him like a jigsaw puzzle waiting impatiently to be solved. My skin feels bare, scaly and freezing cold. Vulnerability has never been my strong suit.

His eyes gleam with deep concern & astonishment from the mountain of pent up emotions I so openly erupted in front of him. The state of shock is written all over his body lauguage & in that moment, I find myself scolding my lips for parting. I can see his mind now running a mile a minute as he trys to figure out just how long or how often ive felt this way.

Goosebumps sit a top my pale white skin as I realize the length of time ive spent alone & lost in my own mind. The cavernous valleys ive kept locked away from the world in fear of the sharp blades of rejection & the bleak gaze of judgement.

My body is frail & my soul is large yet delicate. They are no rival to my fierce unwavering mind. I watch as his thoughts race back & forth, his lips suddenly part to offer predictable advice ive heard a million times.

I feel myself sinking into the ground, the carpet digging into my thighs. Am I just to broken to be fixed? Do I have “out of order, seek professional help” stamped on my forehead?

The stubbornness within me begins to reinforce the concrete walls I had built up around my soul minutes before my lips parted & began this down hill spiral of events. My past is something no amount of talk therapy will erase nor will it make the sting burn any less. Its a part of me, quite possibly the worst & most despised piece of myself, however I cling to the blackholes within me because they remind me of my strength to overcome. Like ivy climbing up the side of a house, ive grown up with them & accepted that even my dark is beautiful.

Maybe this is why I feel so rejected by his words of advice & exhausted from the vulnerability of these last few moments. A conversation leaving him with contentment in knowing he did the best he could and myself backed into the same corner, alone, locked away inside my mind & throwing away the key.

Written by writingmyrelease 8-12-14
writingmyrelease writingmyrelease
26-30, F
13 Responses Aug 17, 2014

Although I was not not there, I do not know what was said or with whom, I can so vividly see this moment in time. For me this is a great blend of emotion with the physicality of whats happening, then the analogy to give the weight of what is truly transpiring. Its great work, but it is very saddening. I'm sorry for your reasons and the pain that spawned this work, but very touched by the work itself.

The descriptions, the use of your words I love. Keeping to writing, have you published on an internet press? I have, though I don't make any money at it. Vulnerability is one of the key words I identified with. When you feel vulnerable, it's difficult to say things straight out. Anxiety clouds the mind. That is why I tend to be quiet, listening all the time and only volunteering what I know I can spit out. Do you keep a journal? Just wondering?

Yes i keep a journal & no i am not published yet. Thank you for reading

your words, your self reflection are on a par with your physical beauty

thank u

it was my pleasure going through your photos and reading your writings

You put effort into writing this, and it is good, so why couldn't you add just a bit to use correct punctuation, the actual word 'and', instead of the symbol, and not type the entire word 'though'?

Hin i wrote this on my phone. I realize it may not be grammatically correct and i may go back and fix it in time. Thanks for reading and for your critique and have a good day

You write very well i guess writing is your field keep on writing maby anxiety will pass i hope so i have anxiety disorder and i take meds but sometimes i take also valerian root 300mg very helpful.

powerful...very well written.

Thanks :)

"Vulnerability has never been my strong suit" - sublime. Really. To me, this is spectacular in its irony; & it's accuracy in capturing the awareness one feels when caged in the illusion of strength one believe's they portray by keeping the secret self hidden, protected. Xxx night

Thank u so much for your kind words & compliments. I feel so blessed. I truly appreciate your feedback n support.

Powerful and beautiful

thank u

Wow, you have a beautiful talent. You know, we posses a power using words that others don't. I know your struggle is real and yes I can totally relate to you. We, You have a power with words that God has blessed you to use. And you are doing a beautiful job. Many people can't understand the weight that you feel but I'm also here for you as well.

Thank u so much for the uplifting feedback. I appreciate ur kind words

this is just crazy, never could have expressed or explained it in this manner, but I to just recently put it all out on the line. I tend to do that, to avoid games that end up ******* my head up. I have had my heart slit with razors so many times in the past I like to jump straight ahead to the point sometimes. in my case, Which at first was respected and valued..but somehow I then turned it into misdirection and a misunderstanding of twisted thoughts and words.. Things will probably never be the same again, or at least the way i myself wanted them to be.. & I somehow find myself being ok and at peace with that now. I never thought I would be able to feel such peace or comfort in being so brutally honest with another person because of my search for meaning, the truth, and true love.. but I can honestly say it was all worth it now. I know who I am, who I want to continue to be, and from all of these things I have now found the path in life I wish to take to makes my dreams become my reality. Thank you for these words. They are meaningful in so many ways to so many people.. & I am certain of that

Thank u so much for reading this. I am grateful that my words are something u can relate to n help u on some level. I also commend u for having the courage & bravery to embark on a new journey of self discovery. Just remember beginnings r always the hardest. Keep ur head up n ride the ups & downs as there is always something to learn from either. Im here if u need a friend xo

It takes a rare degree of empathy and insight for anyone who has not directly experienced anxiety and depression to understand what we sufferers endure, writingmyrelease, and You have done very well to express so clearly the confusion "He" felt when You erupted as You did.

You are an acute observer of human fears and vulnerabilities, and You have a great talent for expressing them in words.

You also show great self-awareness and self-acceptance, exemplified best, to my mind, by the lines "Like ivy climbing up the side of a house, I've grown up with them (the black holes within) and accepted that even my dark is beautiful".

Fine sentiments, artfully expressed.

Wow ur feedback made me cry and thank u so much for letting me know how u it made u feel. I appreciate it

Very well written, I wish I could express my emotions and feelings like that. I can relate to how you felt when this happened.

Thank u for reading

I love it. I can feel the emotion and the hurt.

Thank u so much. Im glad my emotions were conveyed properly

Thank you for sharing it with us.