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Ptsd And Anxiety..

I don't cry much. It's part of my PTSD to not show emotion other then anger, which I am sure many other PTSD sufferers relate to. My mother    was an abusive women. She tried to drown me when I was 5. She was mean and hatefull to my sisters and my brother as well as myself. She married a man named Matt. He molested, abused and raped my sisters and myself for years. We were threatened repeatedly and sadly enough, I believed they would kill me and my siblings. The ultimate rage from my inner being is not the sexual abuse as much as it stems from the betrayel of my mothers knowledge of the abuse at hand the refusal to "help" us. She chose her man over her own children. I can never let that anger go. After 35 agonizing years of harboring the feelings of being different, alienating pretty much everyone from my life (including my children in many ways) and being treated for bi-polar, depression and seasonal depression,i think Im finally being treated for the right thing finally. PTSD with social anxiety, It has destroyed me threw the years. I have lost more then hours and days..I have lost chuncks of my life. Precious memories and moments of my own children. I have surreal feelings of hoplessness and shame always. worse then anything, When reality hits home, i don't reconize my own self. nothing is real. I don't even know if I should trust my own memories. It's hard. It's beyond hard. It's terrifying. Never knowing whats going to happen next. losing time randomly. not sleeping. It is like insanity knocking at the door just waiting for the invatation in. I want to survive, like you..I dont want to disenergrate. It's never the same. the here and now and the there and then are always coliding like a violent storm within my mind. I cant stand to be in my own skin for the most part. just typing this posting is draining for me. I have little intrest in anything other then avoiding myself. The memories come and go at thier own will and my strength is slowly is being knocked down. I just want this over with. I cant take much more.
 

Rosesilk Rosesilk 36-40, F Nov 7, 2009

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